Britons reclassified as snails


UK RESIDENTS are to be reclassified as snails, in a bid to avoid the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights.

Easily crushed

The removal of British people from the species Homo sapiens is part of a government plan to extricate the country from certain aspects of the European Union.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Species is a pretty subjective thing, and to be honest ‘slow-moving with a slimy sheen’ seems to describe most of the people one sees in the supermarket.

“If UK citizens are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights can’t have a say.  And if they put together a Court of Snail Rights we’ll just make everyone a sparrow.”

Iain Duncan Smith supports the policy: “There will be immense savings in the welfare system.  As everyone knows, snails carry little houses around on their backs, so are ineligible for Housing Benefit.”

He continued: “It’s also very difficult to tell if a snail is disabled, so almost no one will qualify for disability related benefits, much as with the current system.”

Wayne Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft, said: “I worry this means I will no longer be able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts, without shrivelling up and dying.

“However I understand that most snails are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea of being able to copulate with myself.”

via Britons reclassified as snails.

via Britons reclassified as snails.

About Old Boy

Love the past and the future but live in the present

Posted on March 11, 2013, in Crime, Government, politics, UK and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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