European Court rules God cannot cast Lucifer out of Heaven
The omnipresent supreme being, God, has expressed his disappointment after the European Court refused to overturn a ruling preventing him from casting out the senior radical anticleric Lucifer, commonly known as Satan, from Heaven.
The decision overturns God’s ruling that Satan should be cast down from Heaven and forced to spend the rest of eternity in Hell as punishment for his sins, fiery anti-Western rhetoric, and general naughtiness.
God has been pursuing extradition for two years, but now says He has been ‘thwarted by undemocratic Brussels red tape’ yet again.
The Heavenly court ruling confirms the legal position that Satan might come to harm if he were to be sent to Hell, there have been reports of many burnings, whippings, pokings in the bottom with hot forks by devils, and ironic punishments, all of which could be classified as torture.
God has vowed not to give up, however, and is understood to be considering a range of options including suspension of the Ten Commandments to allow Satan’s immediate deportation, and negotiating a treaty confirming that Hell is actually a lovely part of the cosmos completely opposed to the use of torture. ‘Being eternal, I can wait for a thousand million years on this one,’ God said. ‘By which time either the European Court will side with me, or everyone will have forgotten all about Lucifer anyway and will agree that I was probably just moving in mysterious ways (e.g. right about this) all along’.