Scientists Work Feverishly To Restore Spines of Congressional Democrats


Researchers specializing in degenerative diseases are at a loss to explain why a virulent form of spinal disintegration is targeting scores of Congressional Democrats.

Dr. Mason Jarvis, a leading researcher in the field, spoke by phone from his office in Cambridge, Massachusetts:

“Although we have documented cases of this debilitating condition in the occasional senator or representative, we’ve never seen the disease approach near-epidemic dimensions. We’re literally racing against time to curb this rapid spinal deterioration, which threatens to render most Democrats little more than babbling, floppy ragdolls by year’s end.”

Specialists are working tirelessly to find a safe antidote to the progressive condition. Initial symptoms include motor disturbances, such as a grimace experts call the “bowery-drunk simper,” and a compulsion to shake hands vigorously with lobbyists contributing vastly more to the opposing party.

Dr. Jarvis noted that many of the afflicted Democrats had already reached more advanced stages of the spinal disease. During examination, the lawmakers exhibited an inability to “stand tall,” and a helpless descent into the speech pattern known in the literature as “two-way utterance.”

Citing an example of the speaking disorder, Dr. Jarvis recalled examining one senator “who insisted we provide him with a podium. He then leaned heavily against it and repeated ad nauseum, ‘It is with great reluctance that I extend the Patriot Act, for I abhor its every tenet.’ I’ve seen many challenged patients over the years, but it never gets easier to watch a once-vital individual deteriorate in this manner.”

Because researchers are working within a critical time frame, several potential therapies have been fast-tracked by the Food and Drug Administration.

“One treatment has given us a glimmer of hope,” Dr. Jarvis said. “In an encouraging number of cases, our Democrats have responded fairly well to being slapped squarely in the face and told in a firm voice to ‘snap out of it,’ much as Cher did to Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck.”

Added Dr. Jarvis, “The slapped Democrats were not yet able to stand tall, but at least some of them lost that pathetic grin.”

via DeadBrain – Scientists Work Feverishly To Restore Spines of Congressional Democrats.

via DeadBrain – Scientists Work Feverishly To Restore Spines of Congressional Democrats.

Advertisements

About Old Boy

Love the past and the future but live in the present

Posted on May 8, 2013, in Government, politics, USA and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. While you’ve got them on the table might as well do a lobotomy, too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Saranya

Normal thoughts but unique view

David, earth planet , knopfler and a humble man

Amante libros, música y viajes A bookworm and lover of tunes and wayfarer

Web Dietitian

Debunking myths and uncovering the truth on food and nutrition by a Registered Dietitian

inpuntadipiedinaturalmente

dai rimedi naturali fatti in casa alla riflessologia

thepracticalhistorian

Your guide to practically true history.

MadhviMuses

Read Books, Chase Butterflies, Eat Breakfasts,Love Life!

La Rioja and the world seen from my guardaviñas

Sharing ideas. Photos, travels, music, History, stories,...

The Visualizer

Reinforcing creativity with tech

Manić Teodora

Jer ono u šta ljudi poveruju, to će vremenom i postati.❤ Because in what people belive, that's who they will become as the time passes by. ❤

Ultimatetravel

I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.

Yes, I Know

The movies wouldn't lie to me... would they?

El Zocco

Un espacio de información sobre ocio, moda, sexo, música y viajes.

Create Awesome

Life Awesome On YouTube

doar, o viaţă

eu trăiesc, când să fiu supărat

ChronosFeR

Música, Literatura, Fotografia, Cinema,Cultura.

MaBeautility

Passie voor beauty, bloggen, lifestyle, dans en make-up

That middle class girl

The winner of hearts!

FLOW ART STATION

The New contemporary Art Magazine

21st Century Films

Film Analysis, Essays, and Short Stories

Writetable Words

write to tell stories.

swo8

Music means something

Discobar Bizar

Welkom op de blog van Discobar Bizar. Druk gerust wat op de andere knoppen ook, of lees het aangrijpende verhaal van Hurricane Willem nu je hier bent. Welcome to the blog of Discobar Bizar, feel free to push some of the other buttons, or to read the gripping story of Hurricane Willem whilst you are here!

Playing by My Own Rules

Cancer Messed with the Wrong Hellion

manologo

pienso y recuerdo...luego, existo

When The Whippoorwills Sing

Queer Supernatural Romance and Horror Erotica

Noellie's Place

Life is brutal at times but always offers beauty and love to soften the blows if you open your hearts eye

After Credits Corner

There's a million films I haven't seen. Just you wait...

Reel Time Flicks

Film reviews and news, everyone's a critic! Welcome to the drinking blog with a film problem.

baz allen

Archive

Silents, Please!

interesting avenues in silent film history

Superduque

Mi patria es todo el mundo.

WRITE THEM ALL.

THOUGHTS. FEELINGS. MEMORIES.

Budget Traveler

Travel Guide, Blog & Reviews

The Conglomerate Lode

Mining thoughts, opinions, and experiences that enter the eyes the front door to the grey matter

La Audacia de Aquiles

"El Mundo Visible es Sólo un Pretexto" / "The Visible World is Just a Pretext".-

CINESPIRIA

Shining a light on the deep recesses of film history

Dr. Grob's Animation Review

The animation film review site

Genç Yazarlar Kulübü

Edebiyat burda, kahve tadında.

ALFRED EAKER

The Official Site Of Author and Artist

Master Mix Movies

One Movie at a Time

Jason's Movie Blog

A Movie Blog for the Latest Movie Reviews, Trailers, and More

%d bloggers like this: