Category Archives: comedy
Somnium Americanum certum est quia impossibile est
“I’m standing in this piece of shit goddamn rubble city and saying to you Americans, I’m going to hand over the 17 Trillion dollar national debt I racked up to you and all future generations once I end my tenure as president. This was my American dream, and it’s going to be your American fu**ing nightmare. Thanks for voting for me — twice!” the jovial president said chuckling like a hyena.
The president then went on to his usual diatribe about how he is being hindered by Republicans in Congress and how none of the mess the country is currently in is his fault in any way.
A homeless army veteran onlooker to the whole sorry scene quipped: “This is what happens when Marxism mixes with Capitalism. In the Marine Corp. we used to call it a ‘clusterf*ck’.”
Tens of thousands of Brazilian pilgrims were left disappointed today, by the pontiff’s inability to produce a Royal Baby. Although Pope Francis promised to bring people to the ‘open arms of Christ the Redeemer’, there is a sense that the Duchess of Cambridge has ‘raised the bar’ for global figures.
While the rest of the world is gripped by baby fever, the head of the Catholic Church has stubbornly refused ‘to take one for the team’. A reproducing Bishop of Rome could allow for more youthful Popes, an hereditary College of Cardinals and lucrative reality TV shows. Many priests have been valiantly trying for to get altar boys pregnant for generations, but Pope Francis has so far avoided opening his papal womb to the public. ‘The Vatican has been ‘dining-out’ on this one miracle birth for two thousand years,’ criticised one reporter. ‘Whereas your Windsors, they’ve been popping out sprogs left, right and centre. Some of them even in wedlock!’
Crowds flooded to Rio de Janeiro, with mothers holding up babies as visual clues for Pope Francis or in some cases passing him bouquets of flowers in the hope of pollinating him. Later the Pope ironically visited Our Lady of the Conception, but completely failed to inseminate himself. Protestors began to line the streets as soon as it became known that his vestments were not concealing ‘a baby bump’. Police were forced to fire tear gas and said a homemade explosive device was discovered at the shrine. One Cardinal commented: ‘We are in the wonderment business, so the miracle of childbirth should be something any Pope can do’.
The Prime Minister is expected to outline plans today for online pornography to be made available only in homes that ‘opt-in’ to such content, seemingly unaware that everyone has already done so.
Internet user Simon Williams told us, “The moment I hear there was a plan for opt-in, I put my hand in the air. Not that one, that one was busy.”
“If the government is somehow under the impression that this nation’s secret perverts will too ashamed to opt-in to get access to their porn fix, then they are sorely mistaken.”
“If I could double opt-in to get access to the really good stuff, I would.”
Porn filter opt-in
The government has spoken of its disappointment at the 100% opt-in rate, explaining they thought there might be one or two homes that chose not to.
A spokesperson explained, “The mistake we have made is underestimating how thoroughly depraved the general public is, and how tedious masturbation can actually be without access to a myriad of online filth.”
Online decency campaigner Sheila Matthews said, “This new government plan is important because it will keep the minds of our young people pure, and we need to protect the most vulnerable in society from materials that could corrupt their young minds.”
“Yes, my husband has already opted in, but that’s not the point.”
An email circulating reads:
“At first I thought this was funny…then I realized the awful truth of it.
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
” Taxes drove me
to my doom…”
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
In a desperate bid to evade the international reach of US authorities Snowden has applies for asylum to Wall Street. “Where else can I go?”, says Snowden. Pointing out that Wall Street ripped off 10 trillion dollars in 2008 and no one went to jail Snowden thinks this is the only place on Earth that is beyond the reach of the Justice Department. “If they can get away with that,” says Snowden, this must be the best place in the world to hide!”
via Dvorak News Blog.
“It’s been about five or six years since we last crippled every major market on the planet, so it seems like the time is right for us to get back out there and start ruining the lives of billions of people again,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein.
The nation’s major banks and investment firms say they are ready to give utterly decimating the world’s economies “another go.”
NEW YORK—Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector told reporters Monday that they are just about ready to completely destroy the world again.
Representatives from all major banking and investment institutions cited recent increases in consumer spending, rebounding home prices, and a stabilizing unemployment rate as confirmation that the time had once again come to inflict another round of catastrophic financial losses on individuals and businesses worldwide.
“It’s been about five or six years since we last crippled every major market on the planet, so it seems like the time is right for us to get back out there and start ruining the lives of billions of people again,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “We gave it some time and let everyone get a little comfortable, and now we’re looking to get back on the old horse, shatter some consumer confidence, and flat-out kill any optimism for a stable global economy for years to come.”
“People are beginning to feel at ease spending money and investing in their futures again,” Blankfein continued. “That’s the perfect time to step in and do what we do best: rip the heart right out of the world’s economy.”
According to sources, the overwhelming majority of investment bankers are “ready to get the ball rolling” by approving a host of complex and poorly understood debt-backed securities that are doomed to quickly default, as well as issuing startlingly high-risk loans certain to drive thousands of companies into insolvency.
Top-level executives also told reporters that when it comes to depleting the life savings of millions of people and sending every major national economy into a tailspin, they feel “refreshed and raring to go.”
“The other day I actually overheard someone on the sidewalk utter the words ‘I’m saving up for retirement,’ and right away I thought to myself, ‘Well, time to get down to work,’” said Morgan Stanley chairman James P. Gorman, adding that the increasing number of individuals entertaining ideas of starting their own businesses or buying houses was the financial sector’s cue to set off another devastating global recession. “We’re definitely thinking on a huge scale again, because we all really enjoy toying with the livelihoods of millions of people overseas and forcing them to wonder why reckless, split-second decisions made thousands of miles away dictate their whole country’s socioeconomic future.”
“Plus, it’ll be nice to finally wipe out the Euro once and for all this time,” Gorman added.
While most private equity firms, investment banks, and hedge funds are reportedly still undecided on the precise route to take in order to torpedo the job market and crash all international stock exchanges, sources confirmed they are nearly in position to resume gambling away trillions of dollars belonging to the American populace.
“We’ve got a lot of options on the table; it’s just a matter of picking which one we want to use to paralyze every single sector of the world economy,” said Capital One executive vice president Peter Schnall. “We already burst the dot-com and housing bubbles, so this time we can maybe mix it up by popping the education bubble and shattering the lives of everyone with outstanding student loans. Or maybe we’ll artificially inflate prices of stocks in social media companies and then pull the rug out, bankrupting every investor tied to companies like Facebook and Twitter. Or do both.”
“On second thought, maybe we’ll wipe out the housing market again too, just for the hell of it,” Schnall quickly added. “Might as well, right?”
According to a recent survey of Wall Street officials, 82 percent said they were “excited to shake off the rust” and send the Dow and NASDAQ into another freefall. Additionally, 75 percent of respondents admitted they have been “champing at the bit” for months to wholly undermine the nation’s local banks and money market accounts, leaving Americans too terrified to leave their savings anywhere.
Moreover, the chief financial officers from Bank of America, Citigroup, JPMorgan Chase, and Wells Fargo unanimously told reporters that it has been “way too long” since they last saw the utterly dejected faces of American families whose homes had just been foreclosed on due to circumstances totally beyond their control.
“Now that the public’s efforts to curtail questionable Wall Street trading practices have all but ceased, it’s time for us to bring the world to its knees again,” said AIG CEO Robert Benmosche. “There are still plenty of opaque financial derivatives, high-frequency trading operations, and off-balance sheet transactions out there, all with virtually no federal regulation. Trust me, we can definitely work with that. And if anything, we can always just lobby for further concessions and deregulation in Washington—which, by the way, is so, so easy to do—and then we can cause as much damage as we want.”
Added Benmosche, “And while we’re at it, we’ll make sure we once again come away from this whole thing scot-free and far wealthier.”
LOUGH ERNE, NORTHERN IRELAND (The Borowitz Report)—The G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia’s Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again.
“It’s better this way,” said Mr. Obama, frostily standing in the general vicinity of Mr. Putin for the last time ever. “We truly despise each other.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” said Mr. Putin, looking as though he had just smelled something bad. “My hatred of this man knows no bounds.”
According to the agreement, economic coöperation, cyber security, human rights, the war in Syria, and the New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s missing Super Bowl ring are among thirty-seven different topics that the two men will never again discuss.
Additionally, at all future summits, if either Mr. Obama or Mr. Putin enters a room the other man will be obligated to leave immediately.
The two men reached agreement on an unprecedented number of points, including never contacting each other via telephone or e-mail and keeping a minimum of five hundred feet away from each other’s residences.
After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.
The new Pope, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been charming the media and public alike with his easy-going approachable manner and simple lifestyle, but this same absence of bloated pomp and crazed hubris is allegedly ‘wearing bloody thin’ among his colleagues at the Vatican’
‘It was all a bit of a novelty at first,’ admitted Cardinal Sergio Venturi, dripping in signet rings and flanked on either side by the Swiss Guard. ‘The first thing he did when he was elected was to get an OAP pass for the municipal pool. We all thought it was rather sweet in a third world kind of way.’
‘But it gets to you after a while; we had the Dalai Lama over last week and where did His Holiness want to hold a banquet in his honour? Only ‘Il Harvestore’ again! There I was, having to explain to Tibetan Buddhism’s supreme spiritual leader about the concept of an unlimited salad bar.’
‘And if your esteemed guest wishes to visit the Ice Cream Factory for afters, order yourself a bloody crème brulee; don’t just sit there nodding benignly while the fourteenth incarnation of the Bodhisattva picks off his marshmallows.’
Another Vatican insider who wished not to be identified went even further: ‘The Holy Roman Church has a long tradition of sickening excess and sociopathic power-brokering. We have toppled whole kingdoms on a single Pontiff’s whim. Anything that stood in our way we crushed under our heel. Il Papa has got this glorious heritage and basically he’s pissing it up a wall. Ungrateful, or what?’
The Head of the Worldwide Catholic Church – or ‘Acting Chairperson’ as His Holiness has taken to calling himself – was unavailable for comment at time of going to press. He was said to be ‘lending a hand with an ecumenical Meals on Wheels service. Or something equally crap.’
WASHINGTON DC – NSA director Keith Alexander defended the NSA practice of recording all Americans’ phone calls, tracking their locations by cellphone GPS, copying emails, and downloading web browser site visits and IP statistics with backdoor access built into software. In his appearance before the US Senate Appropriations Committee, he testified that lawlessness and utter contempt for the fourth amendment was necessary in the fight against terrorism.
Senators asked about al-Qaida being “decimated” according to White House press releases, and then requested an explanation for why the NSA keeps spying on every citizen. According to White House statistics, there have been zero confirmed Terrorist Attacks since President Obama took office. In fact, many senators believed it was time to repeal and eliminate numerous executive powers which had been enacted for the “War on Terror.” However, it was made clear by the NSA that only unaccountable bureaucrats led by an executive branch with absolute power could protect America.
Keith Alexander (NSA Director): Since Obama has been in the White House, there have been eight to twelve terrorist attacks on American soil each month. We never call them Terrorist Attacks … that’s all. Nidal Hasan’s murder of 13 Americans at Fort Hood in 2009 has been declared “workplace violence,” but everyone knows he took orders from al-Qaida. The FBI had him on the same tracking list that the Boston Marathon Bombers were on. He showed a PowerPoint presentation on “It’s OK to Murder Americans” at a US Army base. We were reading all of his emails to terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen, but we still classified him as having no connection to terrorism. If we can’t use Gestapo-like tactics on law-abiding citizens — the terrorists win.
The senators asked for list of the “thousands of terrorist attacks”; however, Director Alexander declined, saying “I can’t show you … it’s all TOP SECRET.” Throughout the testimony, self-contradictions and denials were fairly common. When asked if the NSA had the ability to read Americans’ email, he replied “No, we cannot read people’s email … not even if we were sitting beside them, looking at their computer screen.” There was also a ten minute period where Alexander denied having any knowledge of “the Patriot Act” or “anyone named Barack Hussein Obama.”
Questions were raised about NSA policy on hiring High School Drop-Outs, and although answers seemed evasive, a few “non-discrimination rules” were revealed:
- In accordance equal-opportunity regulations, the National
- Administration (NSA) may hire idiots, a__holes, paranoid-delusional-drug-addicts, shellfish, and mafia muscle.
Further investigation into human relations at NSA led to the discovery of descriptions for employment positions. Under the job of NSA Director was a list of skill requirements:
- Applicants for NSA Director must be able to lie, and lie for extended time
- . Really big lies are important, with balls-in-your-face-sky-is-green lies as a minimum lying capacity.
Wicked uses of illegal black magic operation in direct illegal against directive 231a and directive 197a, cause crops to fail and pigs to exhibit remorseful expression. Many hear about stealing away the children of China is ongoing. Children (and girls) from strong villages, honourable towns and powerful good cities of schooling age disappear again for many months now and Dalai Lama growing more direct, eat them up after cooking in large clay baked pot over fire during incorrect belief system against people’s party.
Children and pigs who would become make China great nation at risk threat to ongoing future generations and excellent economic future for all!
For ways of trouble stirring enemy increase need for swift reply to help continue lasting peace and make Olympic fun great whole of world watches and love now and years to come. Indeed president Hu Jintao angry for all people and wise and knowledgeable decision to make now: ‘Proud China standing together and world standing with and claws of Dalai Lama grow weaker. Honourable victory for everyone.’
Recite with us that together following leadership towards blessed victory for all. Good news!
Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader says that he obviously realises that Langdon gets through the ordeal, because the character also appears in ‘The Da Vinci Code’ which comes after ‘Angels and Demons’, although the Dalai Lama, like many, first came to Dan Brown through the more successful second book.
His Holiness said that he ‘hasn’t got a frigging clue’ why anyone would want to rip the pages out of his copy, and that this kind of thing was ‘just fucking typical’.
He says if he doesn’t get any response, he’ll just have to ‘buy another bastard copy’ when he next goes through an airport, or maybe hope that the film gets shown on the flight, although he’s only really interested in finding out what happens at the end, and doesn’t see why he should have to sit through the whole thing.
Observers have commented that with the number of people worldwide seeking to take a leaf out of his book, this kind of thing was inevitable.
Scientists have finally pinpointed the exact location of Hell thanks to help from the Dalai Lama.
Despite years of searching for its location by theologians and scientists alike, Hell had never been found until the Dalai Lama today described his Tibetan homeland as, “Hell on earth.”
Though scientists are excited by the find, many theologians have expressed concern over the lack of fiery brimstone and tortured sinners which had previously acted as a deterrent for would-be wrong-doers.
“I am a bit disappointed to be honest, yes.” said the Bishop of Caldecott.
The discovery has shocked many of Tibet’s recent visitors.
“I was in Tibet a couple of months ago and didn’t see any dead evil people,” said Shane McDonagh, a backpacker from Australia.
With Hell now safely marked on the world’s maps, the hunt is now on to find Heaven, with persistent rumours of it being on the Girls Aloud tour bus still unfounded.