Category Archives: comedy
Tenzin Gyatso, the exiled spiritual leader of the Tibetan people found himself at the centre of a political controversy today when it was revealed that he had neglected to enter a number of gifts and good deeds done to him by fellow Buddhists in the Official Register. Since the so-called Cash for Reincarnation Scandal of the late 90s, it has been mandatory that senior Buddhists report all gifts, considerate deeds or just kindly thoughts of which they have been the chief beneficiary.
‘The karma register was devised to ensure that powerful Buddhists were not abusing their position – but it has got the stage that you can’t even hold a door open for the Prime Minster of Sri Lanka without him having to make a note of it…’ claimed a spokesman for the Dalai Lama.
Among the specific charges against the spiritual leader of Tibet is that on 13 February he left his umbrella in a restaurant but was reunited with it when a fellow diner came rushing out after him having noticed his absent mindedness. ‘There is no record of this random act of kindness’ said the Official Karma Watchdog; ‘Nor of the occasion when his holiness mentioned that he liked early Britpop, and one of his office support staff did him a compilation CD of Blur, Pulp and Oasis.’ Under the strict rules laid down in an appendix to the Kangyur or sacred texts, all samsaric good karma must now be declared.
‘People have been praying for him, sending their figurehead best wishes and good luck messages and only a fraction of this good karma appears in the official record,’ said the Karma Czar. ‘We have a copy of a letter from an Glastonbury woman who said she was sending out positive energy to the Tibetan leader, but he has not recorded how much positive energy he received nor the dates on which he sensed it.’
A spokesman for the Dalai Lama claimed that this ‘very minor scandal’ had been whipped up by the Chinese authorities to try and deflect from their own oppression in Tibet, but added ‘Anyway, failing to register the good karma is bad karma, so the karma is cancelled out and he’s back to where he was in the first place.’
This hilarious chain of events is non-supernatural in origin!’
RICHARD Dawkins is the star of a new sitcom where his wife secretly takes in God as a lodger.
‘This hilarious chain of events is non-supernatural in origin!’
Lord Above! revolves around committed rationalist Dawkins’s struggle to explain the miraculous and often infuriating events occurring in his house.
“Richard comes out and she’s forced to invent an unlikely explanation involving a pack of confused Welsh nationalists and a political canvasser with a malfunctioning tannoy.
“The excuses get even more outlandish in later episodes, when Dawkins runs himself a bath of Merlot during God’s secret party, forcing Mrs Dawkins to claim that the taps are hooked up to the local Oddbins.
“The following week she has to pretend that next door’s gay son has had a statue of himself made of salt put in the back garden.”
Dawkins, who still has an Equity card from his stint as Doctor Who in the 70s, hopes the public will take to his exasperated catchphrase, “For God’s sake!”
The first series ends on a cliffhanger as Mrs Dawkins discovers that, despite being long past the menopause, she’s miraculously fallen pregnant. The storyline will be resolved in a Christmas special.
A group of Conservative MPs listening to David Cameron
“What we do in the Coalition government is frankly ludicrous. We’re in chaos and one only has to see the headlines to see this fact. Is it satire or reality? It’s very hard these days to see the difference,” Edward Mulrooney, the head of the government’s PR team cited in the report.
The Prime Minister himself has vowed to change the way people view the Conservatives and said this in a high pitched falsetto voice: “Swivel eyed loons? No, I want people to take us seriously. Did I just say that? Stop sneering at me you little oik, I want you to take me seriously, waah hah hah hah eeeep eep eep!”
Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems provided even more lunacy yesterday when he told everyone he was fully committed to Britain staying in the EU. To loud guffaws from the backbenches, he was stretchered off to the parliament’s welfare office crying like a little girl.
“You must take us seriously. We are serious in our policies. Honestly..” Mr Cameron said with his eyes moving around erratically.
Parliament passed the bill that legalised gay marriage in the UK, albeit with some stumbles along the way. News of the bill’s passing was greeted by high-pitched cheers from the assembled, and well dressed, crowd outside the Houses of Parliament.
A stereotypical image of the congregation at Britain’s first gay (C) The Daily Male.
This was immediately followed by over a hundred proposals of marriage between gay members in the crowd, some of whom had only just met.
“It’s amazing,” said Evan Stephens, a forty-four year old gay man of thirty-seven years.
This was followed by squeals from the crowd.
“Call it an oversight,” said a rather smug Julian Bedfellow, chairman of the Conservative Oversights committee. “I’m sure at some point Gay Divorce will become law, but currently, there is no legislation in place to allow gay people to get divorced.”
This ‘oversight’ has disturbing ramifications. With an estimated seven thousand gay marriages lined up for the remainder of the year. and three times that proposed (‘scuse pun) for next year, and with the divorce rate in the UK currently standing at one third of all marriages, over nine thousand people will suddenly find they are incompatible, have grown apart, cheated or snore, and will be unable to do anything about it.
“I expect,” said Bedfellow, snidely, “that we’ll pass a Gay Divorce bill in fifteen, twenty years? Maybe longer. I mean, let’s face it, the Gay Marriage bill only passed because most MPs don’t realise what ‘gay’ means now, and thought they were voting to force people to have happy marriages.”
Amongst the posts on Chris Nosworthy’s Facebook page were details of an afternoon stroll through the park, a happy birthday message to a man called Nigel and a YouTube video of a dog walking on its back legs.
Mr Nosworthy defended the contents of his Facebook page and strongly refuted claims the he is ‘non-racist’.
“My friends, family and the people who know me will tell you I’m a total racist,” he insisted.
“I’m also pretty sure that dinosaurs were wiped out by Jews,” he added.
UKIP Facebook page
A UKIP spokesperson revealed that a full investigation would be carried out and action would be taken “if necessary”.
“It might just be that Chris has been a bit naïve and made an error of judgement.
“We also shouldn’t rule out the possibility that his account was hacked by leftist flag-burning gays from the BBC.
“He’s already been for a precautionary AIDS test.”
It is common knowledge that the Atlantic Ocean is the saltiest in the world. This Friday, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced that, to make the ocean “safer for both wildlife and humans,” the Atlantic must reduce its sodium content from 3.3% to 2.4% over the next five years.
“As the Atlantic is the biggest offender in the war against salt, it was only natural that it would be the first target on our list,” claims a senior EPA ecologist. “We realize that the Atlantic faces many issues: oil pollution, trash build-up, pelicans…however it is our sincere belief that salinity is the first problem the Atlantic must address. We’ve come to this conclusion mainly because it was our committee’s decision.”
Salt Water Fish to wear Saltine patches!
Though the reduction was applauded by public safety advocates, residents of the Atlantic ocean are not pleased. This includes coral reefs, fish, and a dude on a houseboat. The Middle Oceanic Fraternal Order of Seahorses and Related Species (or MOFOS, as it is more commonly known) is an opposition group which has been vocal about what they see as an encroachment of their basic rights as oceanic inhabitants. “This aggression will not stand!” shouts their spokesperson, the dude on the houseboat.
In a letter published by The Atlantic (no relation), the Atlantic Ocean defended itself in its own words:
“I feel that I’m being very unfairly targeted by the EPA’s mandate. The Pacific Ocean is nearly double my size, and the Dead Sea is nearly twice as salty, and yet I’m taking all the guff. Is it merely a convenient coincidence that both The Dead Sea and the Pacific Ocean are major contributors to the campaigns of several top-level appointees in the EPA? You be the judge!”
The restaurants are called ‘Giraffe’ because the food is mainly ‘giraffe’
The company announced that it was now close to perfecting the experience of shopping for mystery animal parts in a windowless hangar staffed by polyester-clad accidents.
Tescologist Wayne Hayes said: “Now you can sit in a Giraffe watching somebody’s drooling ratbag smear ketchup into your coat while your ice cream melts in the boot of your car.
“Notify Dante, because we just laid the concrete for hell’s basement.”
He added: “Foreigners stroll around local markets before enjoying a tasty meal in a family-run restaurant and now we can have the same experience on a grey industrial estate where you can exchange your vouchers for some pretend happiness.”
Until yesterday Sainsburys was the champion of retail misery by making people think of Jamie Oliver dribbling over their food every time they shopped as well as describing a mass-produced cottage pie like it was a new indie band.
But they were challenged strongly when Morrison’s paid Ant and Dec to prance around Britain pretending to talk to ruddy-faced suppliers while skilfully avoiding abattoirs and Eastern Europeans bent double over a beetroot field.
Hayes said: “You did it Tesco, you magnificent son of a bitch.”
Following the success of the UK Independence Party in many local elections where they gained huge numbers of seats, often without candidates setting out what they intend to do about the wide spectrum of issues confronting the electorate, or even turning up, the party insists it has listened to the public and intends to find some really good policies, and pretty damned soon.
U-KIP insists that in the finest traditions of British commerce ever since the glorious 1950′s, that of course will mean ignoring the best that the British policy industry can offer and catching the first plane to China to source them at a fraction of the cost.
‘Keeping policy making in the UK has been verging on impossible for some time now – we had become lazy and simply couldn’t come up with anything new,’ said newly appointed U-KIP party spokesman Xin Jian. ‘But our friends in Guangdong have shown superb policy work ethic and now hold greater academic credibility than our onshore source of crude populism. Working conditions there, fairly good by Chinese standards, rest assure. Success!’ added Nigel Farage.
British voters have mixed feelings on the subject. Floating voter Reginald Evergreen, 54, from Lincolnshire said that it made perfect sense as everything else in his house was made in China, so why shouldn’t his electoral future be bought from a country which is ‘streets ahead’ when it comes to immigration? His wife Raquel, 23, said that she votes UKIP and so is not in a position to make an informed judgement on the matter at this particular point in time.
So far, the Chinese policy-making unit has come up with a number of suggestions that have found favour with UKIP chiefs, including ingrained suspicion of anything foreign, strict and arbitary residence rules, knocking down town centres and replacing them with concrete, capital punishment for petty theft and having the country ruled entirely by bitter old men who think the world has gone to pot ever since Gracie Fields retired.
‘We have found it harder to sell them the idea of a one-child policy,’ admitted Xin Jian. ‘Though in the case of the average U-KIP member, that would seem to be an academic point.
The College of Emergency Medicine claimed that unless something changes, A&E departments will soon be overrun by morons suffering with entirely preventable injuries.
A spokesperson explained, “We can handle broken limbs, falls, heart attacks and even the odd elderly tumble.”
“What we can’t handle is your pissed mate thinking he can jump over a moving car, or wondering whether the shampoo bottle would fit up his arse.”
“Some sort of IQ test before we let them in would be ideal, but possibly a bit impractical.”
“Maybe it would just be easier to hide the A&E department where stupid people would never go, like the library?”
A&E departments under pressure
Medical experts have said moving the A&E department where stupid people can’t find it would have a number of other benefits, beyond relieving pressure on overworked doctors and nurses.
Consultant Simon Williams told us, “This has the added benefit of weeding out the mentally weak, who might not survive whatever ridiculous self-inflicted injury they’ve suffered – and therefore help the rest of society indirectly.”
“Imagine a world where people who would put a light bulb up their arse don’t exist – this move could make that world a reality.”