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‘Please stop killing each other in my name, I don’t exist,’ clarifies God


God has spoken out for the first time in pretty much two thousand years in an effort to distance himself from the continuing acts of barbarity carried out in his name around the world, claiming non-existence in his defence.

‘Honestly, it’s fuck all to do with me,’ God said,

‘I don’t care what you call me – Allah, God, Yahweh, Vishnu, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever – It really doesn’t matter because I don’t exist. Seriously, can you please stop killing each other in my name, which isn’t real by the way, because even if it were it still wouldn’t be any kind of justification whatsoever.’

God continued, ‘And for all those thinking, ‘Hang on a minute, how is God saying all these things despite the fact he says he doesn’t exist?’ Well let me tell you something, it takes about as much effort in terms of cognitive dissonance to say that I don’t exist despite all evidence to the contrary as it does to believe I do exist without a shred of evidence of any kind whatsoever. I mean, come on, think about it for a moment.’

When asked precisely what humanity should believe in in the wake of his declaration of non-existence God replied,

‘How the hell should I know? Maybe you’re all part of some weird experiment conducted by aliens, or perhaps you’re just the product of sheer astronomical dumb luck. Or, how about this – it might not even mean anything to ask the question in the first place. Have you thought about that?’

God added, ‘But in the meantime, in my absence, please, please, please – I can’t stress this enough – just try and be nice to one another.’

via ‘Please stop killing each other in my name, I don’t exist,’ clarifies God | NewsBiscuit.

Offended Muslim Syndrome & Self-Help Support Groups


Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman for blasphemy, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality.

This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam.

“I have always been offended by rubber ducks,” says Mahmud Said of Portland, Oregon. “For a long time I felt stigmatized and inadequate, until one day I decided to write about it on an Internet forum. I received hundreds of heart-felt emails – from Morocco to Indonesia. It turns out that thousands of Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 35 have had traumatic experiences with rubber ducks.

“We started a support group that has grown to 10,000 members. Not only do we share horrifying rubber duck stories, we also try to increase public awareness by sabotaging the world supply of rubber ducks, setting fire to factories, abducting rubber duck distributors, and intimidating retailers. These are building blocks for our healthy future. With Allah as my witness, our public awareness campaign will soon result in a completely rubber-duck-free world.”

Abdullah Sharif had just turned 35 when the Mohammed cartoon controversy suddenly broke out. It left him so emotionally scarred that he developed an aversion to representative art in all its forms. He often found himself shrieking while passing comics in a bookstore window, or seeing the funnies in the local newspaper. But while Abdullah had formerly been considered just another oddball, thanks to social networking, he is now a successful leader of an international charitable organization working for the betterment of humankind through imposing of Sharia law on the infidels.

His group covers a wide range of activities, from occasional riots, bombings, and beating of newspaper editors to writing threatening letters to the Cartoon Network. “One true believer may be a nutcase, but together we are the fastest growing religion on Earth, making the important cultural shift to a more Islam-dominated society that benefits both the true believers and the lowly kufir,” boasts Abdullah. He recently moved to a new home in Malibu and is touring the world on a private Lear Jet.

Studies conducted by mental health professionals have shown that Muslim men and women are often offended by the most unexpected items, including baby rattles, hummingbirds, home appliances, or geographical maps with polar ice caps. On the top ten list of the most offensive things are rectal thermometers and the word “allometric,” which many consider an underhanded insult to Allah.

Every such grievance is being thoroughly documented and acted upon by support groups and mental health providers, such as CAIR, that help victims to overcome their stress and anxiety by filing costly lawsuits against private institutions and government agencies.

The typical case involved a visitor from Egypt to Brooklyn, NY, who was offended by the sight of a cumulus cloud over Atlantic Avenue in the shape of the Arabic letter “A.” By organizing protests and putting pressure on mass media, a network of Muslim groups and charities succeeded in forcing a Brooklyn judge to award the offended man $150,000 in damages, to be paid by the National Meteorological Agency. The Agency is the government body the Muslim groups deemed most responsible for regulating the proper distribution of water molecules over the New York metropolitan area.

Among the most bizarre cases is a lawsuit filed by religious and community leaders who claim that they are being unfairly targeted by gamma rays, neutrinos, and other forms of cosmic radiation. According to plaintiffs, the problem started immediately after they had complained to authorities about the disproportionately tangled shape of the Galactic magnetic field. Government agencies were fast to express dismay and sympathy for the victims, but none were willing to accept responsibility, and it seems they are playing a cynical game of administrative football with neutrino sufferers.

The World Health Organization (WHO) has called on national governments to provide financial backing for the network of Muslim self-help groups, twelve-step healing programs, and training camps, creating an environment that is more supportive and empowering for sufferers of Offended Muslim Syndrome (OMS).

“Being a Muslim today means to be always aware that something, somewhere, is somehow offensive to Islam,” said a report issued by WHO, a specialized agency of the UN that acts as a coordinating authority on international public health. “It is a shame to see the wealthiest nations of the world stingily hold on to their pockets in the face of the largest epidemic of reality-induced psychological disorder in human history.”

The WHO report provides a list of symptoms of the Offended Muslim Syndrome, suggesting that the condition be officially recognized as a disability, with the ensuing costs covered by Western governments. The report also includes advice and recommendations by leading UN-affiliated health professionals:

Symptoms of Offended Muslim Syndrome (OMS)

Irritability, agitation, anxiety at the sight of women who are not fully covered

Prolonged rage or unexplained killing sprees

Significant changes in immigration patterns

Brooding about the past glory of the Caliphate

Decreased effectiveness and minimal work productivity

Difficulty in understanding new information without a trial lawyer

Feelings of despair or hopelessness about the existence of Israel

Recurring thoughts of death to the infidels

In order to guard against OMS, health officials warn individuals who are at risk to make sure that the objective reality they are exposed to does not:

Make them aware of the outside world

Trigger curiosity about the Western notions of “logic” or “rationality”

Make life more enjoyable

Cause them to question the need for martyrdom

Have side effects such as independent thinking and longing to live as a productive individual

Create an illusion that communication with infidels is possible without hostage-taking

Spontaneously developed methods and techniques are already in place to help OMS sufferers: the Paris Youth Group, the Gaza System, the Beirut Procedure, and, of course, the Zawahiri Method – an easy-to-learn, do-it-yourself way to eliminate anxiety whenever you find anything offensive, by removing any negative thought or feeling below the neck of the offending party.

This method has proven to be particularly effective in breaking the patterns of thought and behavior among non-Muslims, whose very existence is suspected to be the leading cause of pain of anxiety afflicting the Muslim world.

~

via Offended Muslim Syndrome & Self-Help Support Groups.

via Offended Muslim Syndrome & Self-Help Support Groups.

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