“It flushes away bum and belly fat right there in your bowel movements,” said Colin Snead, Monsanto’s Vice President of Bananas, Coconuts and Mangoes from the corporation’s new product-testing farm and theme park in Maui, Hawaii. “This model is our best banana yet! Just in time for bathing suit season!”
“LOSE UP TO 20 UUUUGLY POUNDS A WEEK!!” read Monsanto ads and bar code stickers on the peel of the new Banana Plus.
“But there’s more! It whitens your teeth better than any toothpaste on the market and…we’re not advertising this…but smear some Banana Plus on your skin and say goodbye to acne and other unsightly blemishes,” said a smiling Snead, his extremely white teeth dazzling and a bit distracting as he hands a banana to an assistant to eat.
The bold introduction of the new fruit is part of Monsanto’s aggressive new marketing plan to stop being defensive about special-interest consumer health complaints, mostly from scientists and people who have children, but rather to loudly sell the benefits of each food product that has had its genes cut and pasted.
“All anyone hears is how our corn causes colon cancer and our apples lead to oozy ear lumps and deafness…they never hear that our plums grow hair for balding men and women,” said Vice President of Marketing and Profit, Gunter Gall, speaking to reporters by Skype from Monsanto’s headquarters in the company-owned city of Creve Coeur, Missouri.
Monsanto plans to unfold the new, aggressive marketing tactics for its other products including seeds, DEET, transfats, herbicides, pesticides, STP Motor Oil Treatment, and its new Edible Food Products line.
“We’re about to launch our new Bee Free Honey,” boasted Gall. “With all these silly bees dying, Monsanto has done the ethically right thing and researched a solution. Honey that doesn’t need bees!! And it improves your night vision!!! How cool is that?”
Reporterering for The Lapine
Researchers from the fiscal chimp center at Emory University have failed to find capitalism coursing through the brains of our ancestors. Goldman Sachs says this is good news and are in the process of creating a credit default swap to cover all monkey business
“The results were disappointing”, said Dr Hillary Temple. “Not one of our subjects showed any ambition to own all of the bananas.”
“It’s almost as if they didn’t hate their fellow chimp.”
“Some of them went so far as to share their curved food portfolio with other hungry little apes, without so much as a punitive contract in place.”
“I’m beginning to think we descended from a bunch of pinko liberals.”
Temple also wanted to find out what chimps made of patent law and restrictive trade agreements, but was disappointed to find the best they could manage was a makeshift hat.
“Not a single chimp filed a lawsuit for infringing copyright on peeling bananas with your feet”, sighed Temple. “In fact some of them threw their own faeces at the lawyer.”
The team has concluded that chimps are a bunch of dangerous communists at best, and are looking elsewhere for economic theory in nature.
“The ebola virus looks promising, it eats the host in the face and then keeps going until there’s nothing left”, said Temple.
“It’s incredible to think that low forms of life have a better grasp of consumer capitalism.”