Newspapers in several European countries have printed scans of the unclothed child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The intimate ultrasounds show the still genderless tot relaxing naked in a sac of amniotic fluid.
French magazine Gawk, which published the scans on its front cover defended their decision by claiming the Royal foetus had already achieved a state of ‘pre-celebrity’.
A spokesperson for St James Palace said, “It is outrageous that these scans should be all over the media, before the Queen has even had the chance to pin one to one of one’s fridges.”
News of the pictures came after Italian gossip magazine Sacco di Merda revealed that the Royal parents-in-waiting have already compiled a shortlist of potential names, including Pippin, Pixie, Pastel, Tiffany Rose, Brad, Kyle or R-Camb.
No UK titles have published the photos and British newspapers quickly condemned foreign titles that have. “I don’t believe there is a place for candid photography like this in a family newspaper,” said Sun editor Ricky O’Flynn, “unless, of course, they’re of a pretty girl in her late teens from Dagenham.”
A further complication for the Royal family is that the scans are now being shared freely on social network sites like Twitter, which is also on the shortlist of potential baby names.
Cyberspace ponce Llewellyn Griffiths believes the Windsor foetus will now go viral: “Already we’re seeing spoof images appearing of the baby wearing a Santa hat; with Boris Johnson’s head Photoshopped onto it and a 2001-style foetus in a bubble hovering over Buckingham Palace.”
The Duchess’ sister-in-law Pippa Middleton has announced she is also planning to have ‘one of those baby things’ as soon as possible, and for it to have a ‘much, much nicer arse’.
It was all too much for Simon Parker of Cambridge when he found himself face to face with Kate Middleton yesterday morning.
A volcano of sperm burst out of his testicles and shot up his penis with such force that he was thrown to the floor and rendered unconscious.
Thankfully Kate had moved on by this point and the colossal power the emerging blood-flecked sperm-nami was taken full in the face by one of her security team who is being treated for the effects extreme-piss-taking by his colleagues.
“I guess I took one for the team!” Said the anonymous ex-SAS soldier who has already been offered a book deal!
It’s not all bad, he went on to tell us that as a child he was able to extinguish a chip-pan fire at his gran’s house using the same technique although he didn’t want to go into any details about how he became aroused at that time.
Flattered not Splattered
The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be flattered by the event and sent a bunch of flowers to Mr Parker.
“She’s too fit to be a royal really!” Said one observer. “This kind of thing never happened to Princess Anne!”
A number of pornography film-makers are also believed to have been in touch with him!