In a press conference opposite the White House, NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre told gathered reporters that his organisation cared deeply about the children of his country, and would not rest until every single one of them had easy access to a terrible diet.
Speaking in sombre tones, he said, “We are at crisis point, and the only way to stop our children being negatively affected by junk food, is to make sure they are surrounded by even more junk food.”
“If you really think about it, no-one would be able to call a child ‘fat’ if everyone had a BMI well into the 50s.”
“Childhood obesity is only an issue because so few children have good access to junk food.”
LaPierre went on, “The liberal left will tell you that removing crappy foods from the equation would solve this crisis, but to that I would say ‘nay’.”
“It is a constitutional and God-given right of every american to have access to burgers the size of your head. We just need to even up the playing field – by filling it completely with fat kids.”
“So I call on congress today to ensure that every school in our great nation has easy access to cheap, poorly prepared fatty food with a low nutrient value.”
“Then one day soon we can forget about which of our children is ‘fat’, as they’ll all be exactly the same. Like true, free Americans.”