Father Christmas has been threatened with the removal of his monopoly in the UK present distribution market following the publication of this year’s Naughty or Nice lists, which for the fourteenth year in a row strongly suggest that the list a child gets on to is intrinsically linked to parental income and engagement.
We simply cannot go on with a situation in which the lists completely fail to represent society as a whole,’ claimed junior minister Alan Crockdale, ‘Yes, there are hidden issues, but it’s up to Santa to do much more to encourage naughty little children from working class backgrounds to seriously up their game.’
‘Where once a child had to do at least a couple of good deeds a year like make their Gran a cup of tea in order to make it onto the Nice List, nowadays it seems it’s enough if they just refrain from beating up smaller kids or don’t swear at their teacher,’ he suggested. ‘It doesn’t go nearly far enough, but of course it’s always a positive if they don’t end every sentence with ‘Or I’ll f*ckin shank ya’.’
But a spokesman for Father Christmas reacted as angrily as his brightly-coloured, festive costume would allow, saying that his organisation, North Pole Gifts Direct, wasn’t responsible for social engineering and claiming that government standards for achieving a place on the Nice List have in any case gone down significantly in recent years.
Government Ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of removing Santa’s monopoly and raiding his pension fund, which would open up the present delivery market to foreign competition including ‘Befana’, the Italian witch, or the German ‘Christkind’, who has been following developments in the UK market for a long time with a hope to extending operations here.
‘This is yet another example of the EU trying to destroy British traditions,’ claimed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. ‘The next thing we know we’ll all be forced to eat Sauerkraut for Christmas dinner and the Queen’s Speech will be given by Angela Merkel. I mean, come on. Father Christmas? You can’t get more British than that!’ he said, referring to the mythical, red-suited, white-bearded character, based on a Greek saint, modified and embraced throughout Europe, and finally embodied by an Atlanta-based company in the 1930′s to promote Coca-Cola to the American public.
Mr Christmas is the seventh person to be questioned as part of Operation Yewtree.
The news has come as a shock to the public who are still reeling from allegations made against Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and 3-2-1′s Dusty Bin.
“It seems that every day there are new developments,” said 42 year-old Karl Newman from Chepstow.
“These people form part of my childhood memories, so to find out that they have been noncing it up is quite shocking.”
“I remember sitting on Santa’s knee on several occasions when I was a child, and him telling me he would empty out the contents of his sack in my bedroom if I was a good boy now sends a shiver down my spine.”
37 year-old Melanie Carter also recalled some of the things Mr Christmas had said to her when she visited him at the Pentagon Shopping Centre in Chatham in 1980.
“I remember commenting on his outfit and he said that if I wanted I could stroke his furry rim.”
“I’d also been worried that he wouldn’t be able to deliver presents to my house because I don’t have a chimney.”
“He said that it wasn’t a problem because he liked to enter by the back door anyway.”
“He also reassured me that the doll’s house I wanted wasn’t a problem and that the elves would have no problem knocking one out.”