WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what may be the most serious allegation ever made against the former Secretary of State, Fox News Channel reported today that Hillary Clinton was involved in the conspiracy to murder President Abraham Lincoln.
According to Mr. Hannity, “If it’s true that Hillary Clinton killed Lincoln, this could have a major impact on her chances in 2016.”
The accusation against Mrs. Clinton drew a strong response from Sen. Lindsey Graham (R.—S. Carolina): “There’s been a concerted effort by Hillary Clinton to cover up her role in President Lincoln’s murder. She has said nothing about it. This is bigger than Watergate, the Cuban missile crisis, and the Second World War put together.”
Responding to the allegation, Mrs. Clinton issued a terse statement indicating that she could not have participated in Lincoln’s assassination because she was born in 1947.
“That’s what she wants us to believe,” Sen. Graham said.
Yes, America, Al Jazeera is actually related to Osama Bin Laden, and is actually a person. He’s coming over to activate sleeper cells all over Americaland including Detroit where there are known terrorist cells, we know because a woman cunningly called Lisa Daftari told us that she had googled it so it must be true.
We think it’s great that Fox News managed to get someone whose own surname acts as a description of what she is saying. She basically doesn’t like this Al Jazeera thing entering America because, well, it’s anti-American isn’t it. It has a funny name. And it’s run by them Muslamics with BEARDS AND SHIT who blow things up and want to turn Americanland into some kind of Taliban theme-park where you basically cut peoples’ willies off and stone women all the time. Oh, and there’s no drink anywhere.
Here’s what DAFTari said:
The point is they want to differentiate themselves from their sister network, but at the same time, it’s the same thing. They’re having the same type of coverage. They’re apparently expanding to eight cities, including Detroit, Michigan. Detroit, Michigan is a large ex-pat community of Muslim-Americans and sleeper cells have been detected. You can Google this, you can find out all this information. So if you’re trying to set yourself apart the Qatari petro-dollars are backing this, you’re still developing in this area where the sleeper cells have been detected. They’re going to have do do much more to prove to me that they’re different from their sister network.
Mmm, do you see it? Do you see the link? A news network is moving to cities where there are SLEEPER CELLS of Muslamic bombers just waiting to blow America to bits (we know because we Googled it, using our own fingers and a keyboard, and it all came up on the screen), and the Qatari petro-dollars are backing this.
News network in Detroit = Muslims trying to kill America. That’s what they do.
And who is this Daftari woman anyway? Well, judging from her Wikipedia picture, she’s an Iranian woman who likes to show a bit of boob cleavage. No wonder she’s gone to America because if you think about it, you’re free to show tit in America, but not in Iran.
But she’s an opera singer and a pianist, too. She even has a Masters degree in journalism. So what the hey fuckity-fuck is she doing on Fox News spreading Islamophobia and stuff that someone with her brain ought to know are just, basically, lies? Is it Roop’s dollars?
Because this woman appears to have expertise. And some knowledge. An educated woman doesn’t appear on Fox News, and an educated woman doesn’t appear on Fox News saying that a rival news network is basically a front for beardy Muslims bombing America. It must be Roop’s dollars.
As Uncle Roop will remind us all, Qatar is bad, but Saudi Arabia is good.
Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee (R) weighed in on the massacre at an elementary school in Newtown, Conn. on Friday, saying the crime was no surprise because we have “systematically removed God” from public schools.
“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”
This line of reasoning isn’t new for Huckabee.
Speaking about a mass shooting in Aurora, Colo. over the summer, the former GOP presidential candidate claimed that such violent episodes were a function of a nation suffering from the removal of religion from the public sphere.
“We don’t have a crime problem, a gun problem or even a violence problem. What we have is a sin problem,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “And since we’ve ordered God out of our schools, and communities, the military and public conversations, you know we really shouldn’t act so surprised … when all hell breaks loose.”
Adam Lanza, 20, is the suspect in a school shooting that left 27 dead Friday, including 20 children. Lanza is reportedly the son of a teacher at the school where the shootings occurred.