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Schism Over Jesus’ Arrival Date Pushes US Christianity Toward Civil War
WASHINGTON —The reemergence of a 2010 Pew Research Center Survey on the likelihood of Jesus returning to Earth by the year 2050 has Christian leaders in the U.S. up in arms and preparing for the worst.
“It is an eye-opener, no doubt,” said Joel Olsteen, senior pastor of the influential Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. “Already my flock is taking sides. The poll has pit neighbor against neighbor, brother against brother, father against son. There will be blood.”
According to the results of the poll, 48% of Christians within the U.S. believe that Jesus either “definitely will” or “probably will return to Earth by the year 2050,” while the remaining 52% do not share this belief.
“It’s actually pretty easy to figure out who believes what,” says Christian Author Joyce Meyer. “On the one hand, you have people who are always polite and kind, do a lot of charity work, and are nice to everybody. They’re scared He’s coming back any day and want to be ready. The other half, well, they figure they’ve got time, so they’re in no hurry to live a good life. They gamble, curse, fornicate, dishonor their parents, what have you. They assume they can always repent later.”
It is this close divide between the two sides of the Christian nation that has raised alarms. “It would be one thing if the results were lopsided. If, say, over 70-80% thought he was coming back soon,” explained senior pastor Charles Stanley of the First Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia. “Then we could marginalize the remaining 20% or so. Label them as heathens or socialists or something. We’re good at ganging up on minorities like that.”
The schism threatens the very foundations of Christianity in America, and a number of mega-churches have hired security personnel to frisk incoming worshipers for weapons. “So far we’ve only found a bunch of Swiss Army Knives and a letter opener or two,” admitted Donald P. Lantz, Sr. Executive Vice President of IPC International, a leading private comprehensive security company. “But it’s just a matter of time before one of those 48-percenters try to force their way in armed with a Rock River Arms LAR-47 assault rifle, or a Thompson M1SB in order to take out all the ‘unbelievers.’ You just wait.”
Whether Christianity in the U.S. will be able to avoid outright war is unclear. Christian leaders are turning to prayer in large numbers in the hope that God will calm the flames of rage burning within their flock, or that Jesus will emphatically tell everyone of his plans so that one side or the other can claim a decisive, righteous victory.
“Honestly, this is the worst thing to hit Christianity since The Chalcedonian Schism of 451 AD over the person and nature of Christ,” said The Most Reverend Denis James Madden, auxiliary bishop of Baltimore, Maryland. “And we all know how that ended.”
