Throughout the new testament, especially after the crucifixion, Jesus appeared to different people in different form. It would be easy to laugh this off as confirmation bias in the face of obviously damning evidence, but Jesus doesn’t believe in damnation as much as salvation.
I’m something of an expert on salvation. It is literally my middle name. I’m not joking. It’s printed on my license. I know what I’m talking about.
But while Jesus may appear in many different forms to many different people, why is it that he always appears as a white hippy to Americans? In recent years he doesn’t even have a long beard, but rather a well-kempt one, as if he might have owned a Flowbee.
Well fret not my fellow doubters in Christ, the answers are as many as they are plentiful and cornicopiaieriaioreosally… As sure as Christ’s death absolved me of sin, that’s a real word.
“Hippies and flower children of the 60′s would always describe one sick beat of any nature as being “Groovy” or “Far out”. We feel the same way. It doesn’t matter if it’s guitar, bass, violin, piano, ukulele, anything! This is the beats that intoxicate our brains, blow our minds, and really send us …well… Far out man.”
People have been consuming weed since the beginning of time, and we do not plan on stopping any time soon. Who is to say that Jesus did not smoke weed? IF anything, it is much more likely that he toked up than not. Besides, advocating for peace and the elation of the pauper is much easier when mellowed out
Jerusalem 1 April 2013
A surprise announcement with wide ranging theological implications has sent shock waves around the world. Jesus Christ (Daddy Jr.) the Jewish founder of Christianity and spiritual leader of two billion Christians today revealed that he had converted to the one true religion of “The Previous Day church of the Mighty Leprechaun”.
Mr. Christ said I know that I have erred and I should not have followed my father’s path. I deeply regret any problems or confusion I may have caused.
He urged Christians worldwide to renounce His former religion to join him in embracing The Church of The Mighty Leprechaun and to follow its divine leader Money Bags O’Gold.
He went on to state that it was an insidious misunderstanding that the Church of the Mighty Leprechaun, both past and present indulged in human and animal sacrifice. Moreover, he said on the contrary no evidence was available to substantiate this theory. He citied one of the main reasons for leaving the Christian church was his Daddies fondness for human and animal sacrifice, his support of slavery and the various war crimes committed by his father.
An unnamed church source on behalf of Junior issued the following press release
To quote my fathers words
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to turn
“A man against his father,
A daughter against her mother,
A daughter-in –law against her mother…
Junior said the genocide of 25 million people in a flood was indefensible.
The following is a partial list of other crimes committed by my father.
Kill every Egyptian first born.
A plague for complaining about the standard of grub.
Another plague for frolicking in the hay with the daughters of Moab.
God orders Moses to slaughter the Midianites but to keep the virgin females for further usage.
God delivers the King of Bashan to the Israelites so that they might butcher them.
God has the Midianites soldiers comically kill one and other.
God gets fed up with David for taking a census and sends another plague resulting in large scale loss of life.
God delivers the Syrians into Ahab’s hands for massacre.
The Lord strikes down the vast army of the Cushites.
God massacres soldiers of Judah because they had forsaken the lord.
He went on to state one of the great traits of the Leprechaun church lied in its tolerance of diversity, which is both healthy and natural. He also maintained that none of us had a monopoly on truth
Neither the Daddy nor the spook was available for comment but religious leaders are indicating a Multi faceted divinity split.
In further news The Vatican’s College of Cardinals have advocated embracing Leprechaun law, while the other half is calling for Christ’s immediate excommunication and recommending the interim worship of Pope Francis until a suitable replacement deity is found.
On Hearing this news, The Pope burst out into his favorite song
Hello young boys
Rama, dama, ding dong
Here I come
The Church of the Mighty Leprechaun stated that they would continue raising pots of gold from a gullible public. They further stated that they did not expect this development to impact on them but they saw this as an opportunity to strengthen their fund raising operations.
Money Bags O’Gold in a rare public utterance thanked Christ for this bountiful windfall.
The virgin birth of God into the world is perhaps the most amazing event ever described in any spiritual document. The notion of a virgin birth from an “immaculate conception” is so unfathomable to the human mind that it has caused many serious thinking men and woman to mock such a thing and embrace atheism or scientific secularism. Perhaps I can help offer a way to understand the Lord’s Advent that is more acceptable to human reasoning.
I will have to approach this topic from several directions. Each direction will be extremely challenging—especially within the limitations of a blog post.
Quantum mechanics suggests that nothing exists alone. This is also referred to as quantum entanglement. All finite things rely on something greater than themselves. If you follow the logical trajectory of such thinking you will have to conclude that finite things have their origin in the infinite—since anything limited must have come from something greater or less limited, and that ultimately, from something even greater and less limited as well (ad infinitum).
If you accept the premise that God is Infinite, then God is everywhere and sustains all things (theism). So the Lord God is equally and fully present in the ovary and eggs of a human female as with a giant galaxy containing billions of stars. However, according to scientist/theologian Emanuel Swedenborg, God’s Infinite activity is manifested in finite things according to their receptivity.
What does receptivity mean?
Swedenborg claimed that God’s creative spiritual action flows into (impregnates) matter with dynamic forms of usefulness. Physical matter simply provides a matrix for utility to emerge into actual form with greater and greater complexity (evolutionary process). Since Mary’s ovum is a matrix for human life, it already possessed the complexity to be more receptive to God’s living influence than other worldly structures. But even more importantly, since God focused on a particular female gamete, it would serve as a recipient form for the greatest of all uses—the glorification of the Lord and salvation of the human race.
This focus was a Divine seed, which fused with Mary’s haploid chromosome set, to allow the Lord to be born into the physical world and grow up to live among humans. Therefore, the Lord’s soul or spirit within this seed was Jehovah Himself, but His body was formed from Mary’s hereditary input.
To grasp what generative powers constituted the Divine seed we have to first ask ourselves “What is a seed?” Answer: A seed is a concept—a complete blueprint for something to take final shape. (For instance, a tree seed contains the complete idea and patterning principles of the mature tree). God’s seed contains the complete idea of His grand cosmic plan and purpose for creation—to create a heaven from the human race! (What else would be the “twinkle” in God’s eye?)
But the human race was on a downward trajectory. Divine intervention was called for.
The Divine seed and patterning principle that impregnated Mary’s ovum was nothing less than the Holy Word Itself. It was God’s Infinite Truth and living blueprint that, through Mary’s ovum, could become infused with a flawed human corporeal ego and its false sense of self. This human hereditary baggage would now be constantly matched against the ultimate Truth as the Lord grew up in the world.
By resisting human proclivities towards evil and the vanities and allurements of the world, the Lord’s life on earth served to bring what genetically belongs to man in harmony with what belongs to God.
What most traditional theologians are unaware of is that the narratives of Scripture (God’s Word) depict this combat between God and human imperfection when the natural meanings of its literal sense are distilled to reveal higher spiritual meanings. This higher-level exposition reveals profound details of the sacred process of how the Lord made the Word flesh by combating His human compulsions (and Hell’s influences) until He successfully united His Human essence with His Divine Essence. This is how the Lord Jesus became one with the Father and Glorified Himself as the Alpha and Omega. This is also why there was an empty tomb.
We all must go through a similar process to obtain salvation and eternal happiness. Our success can only come from imploring the help of the One who succeeded in overcoming all repugnant human traits. If we do this and adopt the spiritual principle of mutual love into our hearts, minds and lives we will indeed help God create a heaven from the human race! (The God Guy)
What would happen if we get down on our knees and pray to God in this way:
Dear God, almighty, all-powerful, all-loving creator of the universe, we pray to you to cure every case of cancer on this planet tonight. We pray in faith, knowing you will bless us as you describe in Matthew 7:7, Matthew 17:20, Matthew 21:21, Mark 11:24, John 14:12-14, Matthew 18:19 and James 5:15-16. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.
So what would happen. The answer is simple absolutely nothing.
Which begs the question where is god? Figure that out for yourself.
In a press conference held before the heavenly host and selected journalists, God said that he felt Pope Benedict “had got the right idea about this divine rule gig” and that he was “probably going to wrap the whole thing up quite soon”.
Sources close to His Omnipotence say that the prospect of eternity has really being playing on his mind of late. ‘He’s been feeling his age over the last few millennia,’ said one heavenly observer holding a bunch of keys. ‘In fact, he’s never really got over the death of his son.’
Since the death of Jesus, God has taken a much diminished interest in human affairs with many commentators wondering if he is paying any attention at all.
‘Jesus had made the running all the way through,’ said judge Gregg Wallace, ‘but in the final his loaves and fishes signature dish was something of an anti-climax. The flavours were poor and it was undercooked. He didn’t even serve any of those nice chunky chips with it. So disappointing. It was also suspiciously reminiscent of a Birds Eye cod fish finger in breadcrumbs.’
Fellow judge John Torode was also disappointed by Jesus’s final effort. ‘It just lacked the creativity of some of his earlier creations,’ he grumbled, ‘like that magnificent white wine sauce from the semi-final, created out of just a few jeroboams of water.’
Jesus defended his efforts, however, saying that he thought the judges had been overly harsh with their comments. ‘Let’s remember that I was cooking for 5,000 covers at the time. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than that. To be honest it would have been a miracle if I had managed to pull it off.’
Series champion Buddha was also surprised at the result. ‘I thought Jesus was nailed on for the title,’ he said. ‘I was frankly pretty surprised that my minimalist dish with no animals or vegetables in it was enough for the win, but that’s nouvelle cuisine for you, isn’t it.’
Other deities had fallen earlier in the competition. ‘Mohammed blew his chance in the opening round when he refused to taste his cock-a-leekie soup because it was Ramadan,’ explained Wallace. ‘As a result he accidentally left out the seasoning, and that was the end of him. And you should have seen the pickle Vishnu got into in the kitchen – arms tangled up everywhere. It was hilarious, but his jam roly-poly was a right mess.’
Despite his disappointment, Jesus has vowed that this won’t be the last we see of him on the culinary front. ‘You can’t keep a good man down. I’m planning on launching my own range of milk-chocolate eggs. I’ve got a feeling they’ll sell well around Easter time. If only I could think of a good PR stunt to promote them…’
Message from Pontius Pilate in Judea to Tiberius Caesar in Rome: We have this guy running around Judea stirring up people and telling them everyone should treat everyone else as neighbors and love your enemies. This religious fanatic could pose a security risk to the Empire.
Tiberius to Pilate: Impose a state of emergency in Jerusalem. Require all gatherings to have to apply for a permit. Don’t grant any permits. Do not let large groups of people gather to hear this radical leader.
Pilate to Tiberius: We tried that but the movement keeps growing. This guy is dangerous. People are claiming he takes stones and turns them into loaves of bread, walks on water and raises dead people back to life. Our confidential informant says many people think the guy is the Messiah. Our CI also says the guy talks to God. The CI says the guy told his followers “render unto Caesar what is Caeser’s and render unto God what is God‘s.”
Tiberius to Pilate: I am God. everything renders to me. This is a direct threat to my authority. Arrest him and his leadership group.
Pilate to Tiberius: Are you sure? This is only gong to stir things up even more. We could make martyrs out of them. If we ignore them maybe they’ll just fade away.
Tiberius to Pilate: Do I have to send someone from Rome to do the job. Cut off the head of the snake.
Pilate to Tiberius: OK. So we arrest the leader. Then what do we do? IÂ’d like to put him on a slave galley.
Tiberius to Pilate: Make an example of him. Kill him in some locally cruel and unusual way. Crucifixion.
Pilate to Tiberius: WeÂ’ve got this Jewish holiday coming up, Passover I think they call it. The guy is getting a bunch of his disciples together for a Seder on Friday. Our CI says he’s going to make some important announcement. Should we grab him before the dinner or after?
Tiberius to Pilate: Pick him up after the dinner, hold a show trial, parade him through the city, and nail him to a cross.
Pilate to Tiberius: OK. We did that. Threw in a couple of thieves as well. But three days later the guy’s body disappeared and now everyone is saying the guy was “resurrected” and went to live with God up in Heaven and all of us are being saved.
Tiberius to Pilate: DonÂ’t worryÂ…this will blow over and no one will remember the guy in a few years and things will go back to normal.
Pilate to Tiberius: Just for the record, the guyÂ’s name was Jesus Christ
“We’re calling this thing the Jesus atom. I know that’s not very imaginative, but by heck it looks like the Lord Jesus is looking right out at you. When we saw this with the electron microscope we just got down on our knees and started praying right there. This is proof that God is real and even science cannot escape that fact,” Rod Elridge, one of the scientists on the project told local Kentucky news.
“This is proof right there that Jesus is our Lord and saviour. By the gospel of Jesus, by the word of God, by the holy light of Christ, I want to say to you all that we have found the true God particle. Send your donations in right now we need to do more Jesus scientific research in the name of the Lord. Five dollars is good, ten dollars is better, but fifty and above and you will see the light of heaven in your soul and buy me a new Ferrari in the name of Jesus. God bless Jesus, we have found you in science. They can no longer tell us that you never existed or that science disproves religion,” Pastor Gerald Pedopumper, from the Johnsons Jesus Baptist church in Pepper Lake City, Nashville told WKNJS radio Wednesday.
The scientists at Fry University of Kentucky used a microscope that incorporates new aberration-correction technology that focuses a beam of electrons on a spot smaller than a single atom — more sharply and with greater intensity than previously possible. This allows information previously hidden in the background, or “noise,” to be seen. It also provides up to a hundredfold increase in imaging speed.
The new Jesus atom is however quite an unstable atom and scientists were weary about maybe splitting one.
“If we split a Jesus atom, we could open up the window to heaven or hell. I don’t think we want to take that chance. Especially not so close to Christmas time,” Mr Elridge said.
Years ago I watched the DVD of ” The God Who Wasn’t There. “. It’s a short documentary on one persons quest for the truth and origins of Christianity. In it, Brian Flemming talks about his own experience with being raised a fundamentalist christian, and how he thought it effected him. More then that, he talks about the origin of the bible and where Christianity originated. In the movie, Flemming asks several Christians some simple questions. Who is Jesus ? How did the early church form ? Had they ever heard of Mithra, or Osiris ?
Guess which two they couldn’t answer ?
In my experience with Christians, most don’t understand or even know of the history of their faith. In fact, as Brian points out in his movie, knowledge isn’t something that’s encouraged in Christianity. To the point, it’s discouraged. He points out that the only unforgivable sin in the New Testament, is the denial on the Holy Ghost. So that means, if you ask yourself, if there is a god, and you come to the conclusion that there isn’t, then you have denied the Holy Ghost, and have committed the only unforgivable sin there is. If you don’t believe, you’re going to hell, or you wont be able to be with your family forever, or whatever the punishment is for your particular brand of Christianity. You will be punished if you think the wrong thoughts. In other words, it’s discouraged.
When my daughter was little, about 7 years old we celebrated Christmas eve, with my wife’s side of the family at a get together at her grandmothers house, to exchange gifts, sit, talk and eat together. Just like millions of other families out there. I, for the past 6 years, have not attended these gatherings. ( I’ll explain why in another post, suffice it to say, it’s not an important point to this article. ) This year, my wife had to work late, so her mother wanted our 6 year old daughter, to spend the day with her, and go to grandmothers early that afternoon. I dropped the wife off around 6pm, and went to finnish up last minute grocery shopping. At the end of the evening, after my wife and our child had been dropped off at home, her mother called and wanted to share an ” incident ” involving our daughter. It seems that when all of the kids were together, and my daughter was asked ” Are you excited about Santa Clause coming ? ” she replied, ” No. There is no Santa Clause. “. The kids became angry, which, I can understand. However the adults became angry as well. This lead my daughter to be ostracized for the rest of the evening, not only by her peers, but by the adults as well. They couldn’t believe that we’ve never lied to our daughter, they couldn’t believe that we didn’t teach her that Santa was real.
In other words, they were mad because we taught her to deny Santa Clause. The knowledge that Santa doesn’t exist, was discouraged. It was an unforgivable sin.
Did I mention everyone on my wife’s side of the family are Christian ?
The belief in “god” seems to be ubiquitous through the ages.
We know, for example, that the ancient Egyptians believed in their gods so fervently that they built massive structures like the Great Pyramid — still today one of the largest and most enduring human constructions ever created. Despite that fervor, however, we know with complete certainty today that the Egyptian gods were imaginary. There is no evidence of their existence. Thus we do not build pyramids anymore and we do not mummify our leaders.
More recently we know that tens of millions of Romans worshiped Jupiter and his friends, and to them they built magnificent temples. The ruins of these temples are popular tourist attractions even today. Yet we know with complete certainty that these gods were imaginary. There is no evidence for their existence and thus no one worships Zeus any more.
Much more recently, we know that the Aztec civilization believed in their gods so intensely that they constructed huge temples and pyramids. In addition, Aztecs were so zealous that they were sacrificing hundreds of human beings to their gods as recently as the 16th century. Despite the intensity, however, we know today that these gods were completely imaginary. The Aztecs were insane to be murdering people for their gods. Killing a person has no effect on rainfall or anything else. We all know that. And there is no evidence whatsoever demonstrating that the Aztec gods exist. If the Aztec gods were real, we would still be offering sacrifices to them and these sacrifices would be effective.
Today’s “God” is just as imaginary as were these historical gods. The fact that millions of people worship a god is meaningless.
The “God” and the “Jesus” that Christians worship today are actually amalgams formed out of ancient pagan gods. The idea of a “virgin birth”, “burial in a rock tomb”, “resurrection after 3 days” and “eating of body and drinking of blood” had nothing to do with Jesus. All of the rituals in Christianity are completely man-made. Christianity is a snow ball that rolled over a dozen pagan religions. As the snowball grew, it freely attached pagan rituals and beliefs in order to be more palatable to converts. You can find accounts like these in popular literature:
“The vestiges of pagan religion in Christian symbology are undeniable. Egyptian sun disks became the halos of Catholic saints. Pictograms of Isis nursing her miraculously conceived son Horus became the blueprint for our modern images of the Virgin Mary nursing Baby Jesus. And virtually all the elements of the Catholic ritual – the miter, the altar, the doxology, and communion, the act of “God-eating” – were taken directly from earlier pagan mystery religions.”
“Nothing in Christianity is original. The pre-Christian God Mithras – called the Son of God and the Light of the World – was born on December 25, died, was buried in a rock tomb, and then resurrected in three days. By the way, December 25 is also the birthday or Osiris, Adonis, and Dionysus. The newborn Krishna was presented with gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Even Christianity’s weekly holy day was stolen from the pagans.”
This article points out that, “It has been noted since antiquity, and in modern scholarship since the 19th century, that Jesus Christ has striking parallels to other deities worshipped in Hellenistic religion, specifically to the cult of Dionysus in the Greek mystery religions and with the Buddha.” The article goes on to demonstrate striking similarities between Christianity and the religions that came before it.
It is extremely hard for a Christian believer to process this data, but nonetheless it is true. All of the “sacred rituals” of Christianity, and all of Christianity’s core beliefs (virgin birth, resurrection, etc.) come straight from other religions that were popular around the time of Jesus. Articles like this and this can help you learn more. Once you understand the fundamental truth of Christianity’s origins, the silliness of the whole thing becomes apparent.
Obviously the pagan believers, from whom Christianity derived its myths, worshiped gods that were imaginary. If Gods such as Horus, Ra, Mithras, etc. were real, we would have proof of their existence and everyone would be following those gods. Our “God” and “Jesus” today are simply extensions of these imaginary forerunners. Therefore God is imaginary.
via God is Imaginary.