The highest mileage, travel and subsistence costs revealed once again go to Minister of State at the Department of Enterprise, Jobs and Innovation John “The Promise” Perry. He is from Sligo and claimed mileage expenses for 179,218km.
Mr Perry’s total travel and subsistence costs between March 2011 and last July 14th came to €71,887.
Hopefully he will use these expenses to pay some of the debts he owes .
It was all too much for Simon Parker of Cambridge when he found himself face to face with Kate Middleton yesterday morning.
A volcano of sperm burst out of his testicles and shot up his penis with such force that he was thrown to the floor and rendered unconscious.
Thankfully Kate had moved on by this point and the colossal power the emerging blood-flecked sperm-nami was taken full in the face by one of her security team who is being treated for the effects extreme-piss-taking by his colleagues.
“I guess I took one for the team!” Said the anonymous ex-SAS soldier who has already been offered a book deal!
It’s not all bad, he went on to tell us that as a child he was able to extinguish a chip-pan fire at his gran’s house using the same technique although he didn’t want to go into any details about how he became aroused at that time.
Flattered not Splattered
The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be flattered by the event and sent a bunch of flowers to Mr Parker.
“She’s too fit to be a royal really!” Said one observer. “This kind of thing never happened to Princess Anne!”
A number of pornography film-makers are also believed to have been in touch with him!