“If UK citizens are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights can’t have a say. And if they put together a Court of Snail Rights we’ll just make everyone a sparrow.”
Iain Duncan Smith supports the policy: “There will be immense savings in the welfare system. As everyone knows, snails carry little houses around on their backs, so are ineligible for Housing Benefit.”
He continued: “It’s also very difficult to tell if a snail is disabled, so almost no one will qualify for disability related benefits, much as with the current system.”
Wayne Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft, said: “I worry this means I will no longer be able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts, without shrivelling up and dying.
“However I understand that most snails are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea of being able to copulate with myself.”