It’s common knowledge that the Catholic church has a rather poor view of gay marriage. But there is hope! Archbishop Oscar Cruz, judicial vicar of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines-National Appellate Matrimonial Tribunal (try saying that three times fast) just announced that it’s totally acceptable for a gay man to marry a lesbian.
There is, apparently, some logic to this. After all, if the purpose of marriage is to create dozens of horrible little children, then a man and woman who are both capable of procreation should, for the progression of the human species, put their child-creating abilities to good use, within the boundaries of marriage set out by the church, of course.
It might be worth pointing out that the original purpose of marriage was mostly to forge tribal alliances, and to establish that any offspring were legitimate, but that would be nitpicking. Besides, it’s not like Christianity is meant to be about love or anything like that, right?
If you’re thinking that this is all well and good for the Philippines, but that over here we’re seemingly much more socially advanced, you might be disappointed to know that at a recent meeting between the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury, it was agreed that marriage should remain something that exists solely between a man and a woman. It’s nice that the Church of England, an institution started because a King was sick of his wife and wanted a younger, hotter one, is taking such a strong stance on this.
So, in summary, according to the Catholic church, it doesn’t matter whether two people are in love, or genuinely want to spend their lives together, so long as one of them has a penis and the other has a vagina. Thanks Catholic Church! How could we possibly know anything about meaningful relationships without your input?
Irish public to vote on same sex marriage in 2014
The Daily Shift
The topic of gay marriage has become increasingly prevalent worldwide, and with several US states and the UK having passed laws to allow gay marriage, the Irish public will now have a chance to vote on the subject. The Constitutional Convention – a …
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Parliament passed the bill that legalised gay marriage in the UK, albeit with some stumbles along the way. News of the bill’s passing was greeted by high-pitched cheers from the assembled, and well dressed, crowd outside the Houses of Parliament.
A stereotypical image of the congregation at Britain’s first gay (C) The Daily Male.
This was immediately followed by over a hundred proposals of marriage between gay members in the crowd, some of whom had only just met.
“It’s amazing,” said Evan Stephens, a forty-four year old gay man of thirty-seven years.
This was followed by squeals from the crowd.
“Call it an oversight,” said a rather smug Julian Bedfellow, chairman of the Conservative Oversights committee. “I’m sure at some point Gay Divorce will become law, but currently, there is no legislation in place to allow gay people to get divorced.”
This ‘oversight’ has disturbing ramifications. With an estimated seven thousand gay marriages lined up for the remainder of the year. and three times that proposed (‘scuse pun) for next year, and with the divorce rate in the UK currently standing at one third of all marriages, over nine thousand people will suddenly find they are incompatible, have grown apart, cheated or snore, and will be unable to do anything about it.
“I expect,” said Bedfellow, snidely, “that we’ll pass a Gay Divorce bill in fifteen, twenty years? Maybe longer. I mean, let’s face it, the Gay Marriage bill only passed because most MPs don’t realise what ‘gay’ means now, and thought they were voting to force people to have happy marriages.”
O’Brien, the country’s most senior Catholic, said that although some aspects of the Catholic faith are of ‘divine origin’ and therefore non-negotiable, allowing priests to marry might reduce the likelihood of them bumming kids.
He told reporters, “There’s some things we won’t budge on. Like abortion, euthanasia and the gays.”
“But Jesus didn’t say priests shouldn’t marry, so it should be on the table as an option, right?”
“After all, he didn’t specifically say ‘don’t rape young boys in your care’ either, so there’s clear precedent for basing church policy on things Jesus didn’t say.”
“You know, there comes a time in every man’s life when he becomes intrigued by the whole vagina thing, so maybe we take a cursory look at it?”
Priests could marry
The news that a whole new segment of eligible men could hit the dating market has alerted many single women on the look out for a husband.
“I suppose if push came to shove I could make do with one who hasn’t had any adult sexual partners.”
It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
– Letters from the Earth– Mark Twain
The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice changes…The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession- and take the credit of the correction. During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. the Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood.
Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry…..There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but the text remains. More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain.
– “Bible Teaching and Religious Practice,” Europe and Elsewhere- Mark Twain
Men and women — even man and wife are foreigners. Each has reserves that the other cannot enter into, nor understand. These have the effect of frontiers.
– Notebook, 1904- Mark Twain