Gardaí late last night received a tip off from a night watchman well on the way to alcoholism, which led to a sizeable seizure of Dope and stray cats from the locker rooms of Dáil Éireann.
Speaking on behalf of the Government, Phil Hogan Minister for the Environment, Community, and Local Government pledged that the Government would investigate this matter and take appropriate action. The Minister stated he knew nothing about how the cats came to be on the premises but went on to claim labour were only a crowd of pussies.
Ann Phelan of the labour party stated the finding of stray cats in the Dáil had nothing to with Kilkenny’s recent all Ireland hurling success. She believed in all probability; the culprits were jealous Galway TDs.
In a further development Luke “Ming” Flanagan claimed he had nothing to do with the stash of dope found but acknowledged that the Ceann Comhairle was a dope if ever there was a dope head. Ming further claimed that the Dáil had a long and proud history of having to deal with mind boggling dopes and that the finding of dope in the Dáil was nothing new.
Gardaí later today expect to charge a hundred and sixty six people for these offences.
Merkel Opposed to Lowering Irish Costs
Mrs. Merkel has spelt out in unambiguous terms; she’s opposed to any agreement that would lower the cost of the €64bn Irish bank bailout. I wonder why but then she must look after those stupid German banks that lent the money to Anglo.
The opposition FF/SF
I understand FF reluctance to be too vocal after all FG is only implementing agreed FF bailout terms. However, one must ask questions of Sinn Fein. Their record of accomplishment in opposition appears to be negligible.
It looks like we are down to three individuals who genuinely represent the people. To Thomas Pringle, Richard Boyd Barrett and Luke “Ming” Flanagan I say Lads keep the flag flying for you are only hope
Following a devastating summer for agriculture, Leitrim County Council is writing to the Minister for Agriculture, Mr. Simon Coveney, TD to bring forward the payments to farmers immediately due to the severe weather conditions. Councillors please note the Minister is at sea and has been since he assumed office, address unknown.
The Minister of Health Dr. Reilly Excited by new findings
The dept of health have noted findings by Case Western University highlighting the fact that scientists have invented a method to induce memories in brains, which means total recall is now here. This development has given the minister cause for optimism for he believes if they can do this it should be no problem to have a forgetfulness memory implant.
The department of health is considering a twenty-year implant for all citizens free of charge. It looks like memory wise this is the end of the bad times.