Tens of thousands of Brazilian pilgrims were left disappointed today, by the pontiff’s inability to produce a Royal Baby. Although Pope Francis promised to bring people to the ‘open arms of Christ the Redeemer’, there is a sense that the Duchess of Cambridge has ‘raised the bar’ for global figures.
While the rest of the world is gripped by baby fever, the head of the Catholic Church has stubbornly refused ‘to take one for the team’. A reproducing Bishop of Rome could allow for more youthful Popes, an hereditary College of Cardinals and lucrative reality TV shows. Many priests have been valiantly trying for to get altar boys pregnant for generations, but Pope Francis has so far avoided opening his papal womb to the public. ‘The Vatican has been ‘dining-out’ on this one miracle birth for two thousand years,’ criticised one reporter. ‘Whereas your Windsors, they’ve been popping out sprogs left, right and centre. Some of them even in wedlock!’
Crowds flooded to Rio de Janeiro, with mothers holding up babies as visual clues for Pope Francis or in some cases passing him bouquets of flowers in the hope of pollinating him. Later the Pope ironically visited Our Lady of the Conception, but completely failed to inseminate himself. Protestors began to line the streets as soon as it became known that his vestments were not concealing ‘a baby bump’. Police were forced to fire tear gas and said a homemade explosive device was discovered at the shrine. One Cardinal commented: ‘We are in the wonderment business, so the miracle of childbirth should be something any Pope can do’.
Tenzin Gyatso, the exiled spiritual leader of the Tibetan people found himself at the centre of a political controversy today when it was revealed that he had neglected to enter a number of gifts and good deeds done to him by fellow Buddhists in the Official Register. Since the so-called Cash for Reincarnation Scandal of the late 90s, it has been mandatory that senior Buddhists report all gifts, considerate deeds or just kindly thoughts of which they have been the chief beneficiary.
‘The karma register was devised to ensure that powerful Buddhists were not abusing their position – but it has got the stage that you can’t even hold a door open for the Prime Minster of Sri Lanka without him having to make a note of it…’ claimed a spokesman for the Dalai Lama.
Among the specific charges against the spiritual leader of Tibet is that on 13 February he left his umbrella in a restaurant but was reunited with it when a fellow diner came rushing out after him having noticed his absent mindedness. ‘There is no record of this random act of kindness’ said the Official Karma Watchdog; ‘Nor of the occasion when his holiness mentioned that he liked early Britpop, and one of his office support staff did him a compilation CD of Blur, Pulp and Oasis.’ Under the strict rules laid down in an appendix to the Kangyur or sacred texts, all samsaric good karma must now be declared.
‘People have been praying for him, sending their figurehead best wishes and good luck messages and only a fraction of this good karma appears in the official record,’ said the Karma Czar. ‘We have a copy of a letter from an Glastonbury woman who said she was sending out positive energy to the Tibetan leader, but he has not recorded how much positive energy he received nor the dates on which he sensed it.’
A spokesman for the Dalai Lama claimed that this ‘very minor scandal’ had been whipped up by the Chinese authorities to try and deflect from their own oppression in Tibet, but added ‘Anyway, failing to register the good karma is bad karma, so the karma is cancelled out and he’s back to where he was in the first place.’
The omnipresent supreme being, God, has expressed his disappointment after the European Court refused to overturn a ruling preventing him from casting out the senior radical anticleric Lucifer, commonly known as Satan, from Heaven.
The decision overturns God’s ruling that Satan should be cast down from Heaven and forced to spend the rest of eternity in Hell as punishment for his sins, fiery anti-Western rhetoric, and general naughtiness.
God has been pursuing extradition for two years, but now says He has been ‘thwarted by undemocratic Brussels red tape’ yet again.
The Heavenly court ruling confirms the legal position that Satan might come to harm if he were to be sent to Hell, there have been reports of many burnings, whippings, pokings in the bottom with hot forks by devils, and ironic punishments, all of which could be classified as torture.
God has vowed not to give up, however, and is understood to be considering a range of options including suspension of the Ten Commandments to allow Satan’s immediate deportation, and negotiating a treaty confirming that Hell is actually a lovely part of the cosmos completely opposed to the use of torture. ‘Being eternal, I can wait for a thousand million years on this one,’ God said. ‘By which time either the European Court will side with me, or everyone will have forgotten all about Lucifer anyway and will agree that I was probably just moving in mysterious ways (e.g. right about this) all along’.
In a press conference held before the heavenly host and selected journalists, God said that he felt Pope Benedict “had got the right idea about this divine rule gig” and that he was “probably going to wrap the whole thing up quite soon”.
Sources close to His Omnipotence say that the prospect of eternity has really being playing on his mind of late. ‘He’s been feeling his age over the last few millennia,’ said one heavenly observer holding a bunch of keys. ‘In fact, he’s never really got over the death of his son.’
Since the death of Jesus, God has taken a much diminished interest in human affairs with many commentators wondering if he is paying any attention at all.
Newspapers in several European countries have printed scans of the unclothed child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The intimate ultrasounds show the still genderless tot relaxing naked in a sac of amniotic fluid.
French magazine Gawk, which published the scans on its front cover defended their decision by claiming the Royal foetus had already achieved a state of ‘pre-celebrity’.
A spokesperson for St James Palace said, “It is outrageous that these scans should be all over the media, before the Queen has even had the chance to pin one to one of one’s fridges.”
News of the pictures came after Italian gossip magazine Sacco di Merda revealed that the Royal parents-in-waiting have already compiled a shortlist of potential names, including Pippin, Pixie, Pastel, Tiffany Rose, Brad, Kyle or R-Camb.
No UK titles have published the photos and British newspapers quickly condemned foreign titles that have. “I don’t believe there is a place for candid photography like this in a family newspaper,” said Sun editor Ricky O’Flynn, “unless, of course, they’re of a pretty girl in her late teens from Dagenham.”
A further complication for the Royal family is that the scans are now being shared freely on social network sites like Twitter, which is also on the shortlist of potential baby names.
Cyberspace ponce Llewellyn Griffiths believes the Windsor foetus will now go viral: “Already we’re seeing spoof images appearing of the baby wearing a Santa hat; with Boris Johnson’s head Photoshopped onto it and a 2001-style foetus in a bubble hovering over Buckingham Palace.”
The Duchess’ sister-in-law Pippa Middleton has announced she is also planning to have ‘one of those baby things’ as soon as possible, and for it to have a ‘much, much nicer arse’.
‘Jesus had made the running all the way through,’ said judge Gregg Wallace, ‘but in the final his loaves and fishes signature dish was something of an anti-climax. The flavours were poor and it was undercooked. He didn’t even serve any of those nice chunky chips with it. So disappointing. It was also suspiciously reminiscent of a Birds Eye cod fish finger in breadcrumbs.’
Fellow judge John Torode was also disappointed by Jesus’s final effort. ‘It just lacked the creativity of some of his earlier creations,’ he grumbled, ‘like that magnificent white wine sauce from the semi-final, created out of just a few jeroboams of water.’
Jesus defended his efforts, however, saying that he thought the judges had been overly harsh with their comments. ‘Let’s remember that I was cooking for 5,000 covers at the time. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than that. To be honest it would have been a miracle if I had managed to pull it off.’
Series champion Buddha was also surprised at the result. ‘I thought Jesus was nailed on for the title,’ he said. ‘I was frankly pretty surprised that my minimalist dish with no animals or vegetables in it was enough for the win, but that’s nouvelle cuisine for you, isn’t it.’
Other deities had fallen earlier in the competition. ‘Mohammed blew his chance in the opening round when he refused to taste his cock-a-leekie soup because it was Ramadan,’ explained Wallace. ‘As a result he accidentally left out the seasoning, and that was the end of him. And you should have seen the pickle Vishnu got into in the kitchen – arms tangled up everywhere. It was hilarious, but his jam roly-poly was a right mess.’
Despite his disappointment, Jesus has vowed that this won’t be the last we see of him on the culinary front. ‘You can’t keep a good man down. I’m planning on launching my own range of milk-chocolate eggs. I’ve got a feeling they’ll sell well around Easter time. If only I could think of a good PR stunt to promote them…’
Security cameras are being installed in the bedrooms of Britain’s openly gay bishops to ensure that they adhere to the strict new celibacy rules imposed by the Church of England.The precaution is being taken after it was realised that simply trusting bishops not to have sex just because it was forbidden, has not had a particularly good track record down the centuries.
Cameras will also be installed in the shower, on the big rug by the fireplace and in the local public toilets just in case the couple are feeling like playing up to gay sexual stereotypes.The cameras will also be capable of close-ups and wide shots, to check that any females having sex with bishops are not actually gay men in drag.
‘I am planning to monitor every bedroom myself’ explained the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.‘I have a bank of high definition TV screens in my bedroom, and I am looking forward to sitting up all night with some pizzas, a six pack of lager, and a packet of man-size tissues. Obviously I prefer not to think about what they would do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, but my verger has also volunteered to watch next door and will rush in to wake me up if there’s any action.’
Meanwhile new divisions are emerging within the Church of England over what constitutes ‘gay sex’.Anglican traditionalists say that any physical contact between homosexual bishops is forbidden, while progressives say that only full anal sex is taboo. At a recent meeting of the General Synod, members prayed for guidance from the Lord on his feelings about ‘rimming’, ‘tea-bagging’ and ‘fisting’. ‘I mean personally, I have no problem with seeing the odd hand job’ said the Archbishop. ‘And maybe a bit of oral and the odd chocolate finger. As long as they don’t follow it through as far as spraying cocksnot. Banning gay orgasms is the sensible compromise that the C of E has agreed will prevent us from looking completely ridiculous.’
Father Christmas has been threatened with the removal of his monopoly in the UK present distribution market following the publication of this year’s Naughty or Nice lists, which for the fourteenth year in a row strongly suggest that the list a child gets on to is intrinsically linked to parental income and engagement.
We simply cannot go on with a situation in which the lists completely fail to represent society as a whole,’ claimed junior minister Alan Crockdale, ‘Yes, there are hidden issues, but it’s up to Santa to do much more to encourage naughty little children from working class backgrounds to seriously up their game.’
‘Where once a child had to do at least a couple of good deeds a year like make their Gran a cup of tea in order to make it onto the Nice List, nowadays it seems it’s enough if they just refrain from beating up smaller kids or don’t swear at their teacher,’ he suggested. ‘It doesn’t go nearly far enough, but of course it’s always a positive if they don’t end every sentence with ‘Or I’ll f*ckin shank ya’.’
But a spokesman for Father Christmas reacted as angrily as his brightly-coloured, festive costume would allow, saying that his organisation, North Pole Gifts Direct, wasn’t responsible for social engineering and claiming that government standards for achieving a place on the Nice List have in any case gone down significantly in recent years.
Government Ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of removing Santa’s monopoly and raiding his pension fund, which would open up the present delivery market to foreign competition including ‘Befana’, the Italian witch, or the German ‘Christkind’, who has been following developments in the UK market for a long time with a hope to extending operations here.
‘This is yet another example of the EU trying to destroy British traditions,’ claimed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. ‘The next thing we know we’ll all be forced to eat Sauerkraut for Christmas dinner and the Queen’s Speech will be given by Angela Merkel. I mean, come on. Father Christmas? You can’t get more British than that!’ he said, referring to the mythical, red-suited, white-bearded character, based on a Greek saint, modified and embraced throughout Europe, and finally embodied by an Atlanta-based company in the 1930′s to promote Coca-Cola to the American public.
Former undisputed heavyweight boxing champion of the world Mike Tyson is said to be ‘feeling fine’ after undergoing successful gender reassignment surgery at a clinic near Beverley Hills. Once known as ‘The Baddest Man on the Planet’, the Brooklyn-born boxer told reporters that having his first menstrual cycle ‘would be a dream come true’, and that from now on he would be known as Michelle.
‘Some people might think it strange that I’m now a woman,’ said former rapist Tyson, who underwent complete facial feminization, orbital bone contouring and nasal surgery in an operation lasting over 16 hours. ‘But even at the height of my career, when pound for pound I was regarded as the best fighter in the world, I never lost touch with my feminine side and knew that one day I would grow breasts and have a vagina.’
Iron Mike – or Iron Maiden as he now likes to be called – was given the all-clear for gender reassignment surgery following a successful course in hormone replacement therapy which, in his autobiography, the boxer blamed for his 1996 defeat at the hands of Evander Holyfield. Although at the time Tyson insisted he was fit enough to carry on with the fight, referee Mitch Halpern stopped the bout in the 11th round saying Tyson looked flushed, was sweating profusely and appeared to be lactating heavily from his left breast.
Tyson, wearing a blonde wig and looking relaxed in blue jeans and a Vanessa Bruno T-shirt, today said he hoped having a clitoris would finally convince the American people that his ‘bad-boy’ days were over and he had turned over a new leaf. ‘I’m even keeping my surgically removed penis in a jar by my bedside to remind me what those sick perverts did to us pretty boys in prison.’
Although boxing commentators were initially stunned by Tyson’s revelation, many have admitted the signs were there. ‘In hindsight, he had shown a fondness for dressing up in gloves, long leather boots and silk gowns, and he always had a really close interest in earrings.’
Former papal butler Paolo Gabriele has broken down in an Italian court and begged to be locked up, after receiving threats from the Vatican to ‘make that scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Harvest fucking Festival.’
Pope Benedict XVI, former head of Germany’s notorious Ratzinger mob, is said to be furious over the leak of his private papers by Gabriele to the Italian media. It’s long been known that he believes forgiveness to be over-rated and ‘for pussies.’
Italian judges are taking the threats seriously after two hefty nuns, Sisters Bernard and Trevor, managed to infiltrate Gabriele’s cell and, in their words, ‘perform extreme unction on that bitch’s skinny ass.’ Gabriele was left with severe cuts and bruises before a dozen guards managed to subdue the nuns.
At first, Gabriele’s protests when it was thought he might be handed over to the Vatican were considered overly dramatic, given that he’d been told the likely sentence would be six Hail Marys. However, an unnamed Vatican Archbishop confirmed precisely what that really means. ‘A Hail Mary? No, you don’t want even one of those,’ said the Archbishop. ‘Repeated roundhouses by the Pope interspersed with waterboarding in the font. At the end you get thrown to the nuns. The only thing worse is the Bloody Mary, and I don’t even want to talk about that. Let’s just say the red papal shoes used to be white.’
‘The Our Father, The Lord is My Shepherd, Father Forgive Me, The Irish Blessing, The Act of Contrition, Footprints… none of those are fucking prayers, man. Then there are the Pope’s own ‘penances’ that he’s thought up all by himself. Pound of Flesh, Death from Above, Redemption, The Holy Now You See, Now You Don’t… the list goes on. Vatican criminal code use to follow Italian law, but not since Papa Benny arrived.’
Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana, Princess of Wales, has sent a message of support to Gabriele. ‘I know what it’s like when you get caught stealing from those who place their trust in you, so my thoughts are with Gabriele at this difficult time. On the upside, he can now look forward to a low-rent celebrity career that will all but confirm his lust for money and attention, lived out on the higher TV channel numbers at about 2.30 on weekday afternoons. I’ve sent him a bottle of my new own-brand wine, Royal Butler. I don’t know, he can sprinkle it on his chips or something.’
With US gun sales at a record high following Barack Obama’s re-election, American businessman Donald Trump has confirmed that he’s bought most of them, formed his own constitutional militia, and is planning to overthrow the US government.
The follicly-distressed tycoon, whose extravagant, outspoken style has earned him the nickname of ‘the twat’, now has a small private army of around 300 unemployed gas station attendants from all over the province of Dirtgully, New Hampshire, who are currently holed up in a heavily fortified penthouse near Mount Mansfield, protected by an efficiently snooty concierge.
When the time is right, Trump intends to lead them to the very gates of the White House and then, from a reasonable distance, ‘watch our fight to reclaim liberty’.
“The forces of evil, which recently voted in free and fair elections to appoint somebody I don’t personally care for, must be overthrown,” Mr Trump said over the ‘Citizens’-Band Radio’ of Twitter. “Our revolutionary movement, which I have named The Trump Martyrs (copyright pending, legal action to follow for use without permission), intends to stand up for the god-fearing downtrodden inexplicably irritated rich white folks of America.”
A perennially controversial figure, Donald Trump worked his way up from being little more than the son of a wealthy property developer, to become one of America’s wealthiest property developers. It is to this unorthodox upbringing he attributes his sense of fair play, compassion and keen interest in having pots and pots of money with which to buy wives, influence and bits of Scotland.
In 2010, Mr Trump announced his interest in becoming President of the United States and was astonished to discover there was more to getting the job than just asking for it. “You would not believe the obstacles to becoming Commander-in-Chief,” he told ABC’s Power Brunch in May 2011. “Campaigning, coming up with policies and all that horse-hockey. If I’m at home with Melania and the kids and we’re playing Monopoly I just declare myself the winner and we’re done; and if there’s any complaints I remind them whose board it is.”
Politically, he describes himself as tacking to the liberal wing of the anti-gay marriage, pro-life, anti-gun control, anti-medicare, China-hating segment of the Republican Party: “I believe in the inalienable right to hate all this stuff,” he said.
Mr Trump equipped his band of patriotic simpletons by tasking contestants on his NBC reality show The Apprentice to secure a large cache of illegal firearms and explosives. Team A successfully negotiated the deal with a Lebanese gentleman. Team B hasn’t been heard from since.
After years of indecision and holy fights with his conscience, God has finally decided to save the Queen.
In news released today by God’s chief messenger, the Archangel Gabriel, it was revealed that the Almighty has grown tired of dispatching monarchs over the centuries and now wants to maintain the status quo. ‘Arrows through eyes, decapitations, disembowelment, death by syphilis and burying under car parks hath been the fate of Kings and Queens for nigh on a thousand years,’ said Gabriel. ‘Thus God hath decreed that it would be less fraught to hang on to His faithful servant Elizabeth II for probably about another millennium.’
Saving the Queen will allow God to concentrate on other major issues ranging from starvation in Africa to attempting to introduce tiny amounts of goodness into the hearts of bankers, directors of utility companies and politicians.
In an exclusive interview with ‘Hello’, Gabriel revealed that God quite liked the current Queen, not only because of her tasteful wardrobe but because she loves horses. ‘He hath four trusted steeds Himself, which He hopes one day to take on a gallop around the place. In fact He’s just sent one of them down for a quick canter around the Middle East, so watch out for that.’
The news will come as a welcome relief to millions of people around the world who have been subjected to singing Britain’s dreary national anthem.
‘At last we can kick off major international football tournaments without having to mouth those brain numbing lyrics,’ said Roy Hodgson, England’s national football team manager. ‘There’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a dense team line up trying to remember the words.’
God’s latest decree has met with some criticism, however, most notably by Prince Charles. In an off guarded moment on an excursion to the Great Barrier Reef he was heard to declare, ‘Fuck, fuck and triple fuck. Mind you, ‘Jerusalem’ has always been a personal favourite of one’s.’