WASHINGTON, D.C. – The CIA has reported that its Electronic Logistical System (ELS) has just intercepted a personal email message that was sent from the Taliban headquarters to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.
An unnamed source stated that the message was written by high-ranking Taliban Deputy General Shakur Doodah Hashimabad, 47, and was reportedly sent from a camel lot office located in downtown Karachi, Pakistan.
Taliban Deputy General Shakur Doodah Hashimabad’s favorite camel, whom he named “Cigarette.”
The email message which was very explicit was mailed at 2:05 a.m. Eastern Standard Time:
Hey Fat Boy – Either fire the damn, friggin missile or else shut the hell up!
Deputy General Shakur Doodah Hashimabad – The Taliban
2939 Camel Toe Road
Reports are that when Kim Jong Un read the email message he was so mad that his horrendously looking hairdo reportedly stood up on end scaring the daylights out of his gorgeously svelte personal secretary identified as Chin Ho Bong, 22.
An inside source who is very close to the North Korean leader informed Political Salad Bar Magazine that Kim Jong Un has ordered his top general to point one of his missiles directly at 2939 Camel Toe Road in Karachi.
The announcement from the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) did not indicate a new scheduled time for a missile test, saying only that it was “working with Windows 8 support to resolve the issue.”
In the words of one intelligence analyst, “That means the test has been delayed indefinitely.”
A source close to the North Korean regime reported that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is furious about the Windows 8 problems and is considering a number of options, including declaring war on Microsoft.
If you’re having a hard time keeping track of the multitude of threats issued by North Korea in the last few weeks, you’re not alone: Kim Jong Un‘s young regime is on a seemingly endless tear of warnings and provocations. From threats of a nuclear holocaust to artillery strikes near disputed borders, here are the latest shots across the bow from the Hermit Kingdom, beginning with those that followed international sanctions over Pyongyang‘s third nuclear test in February:
1. We now have “lighter and smaller” nukes, and we’re not afraid to use them against the United States.
2. Are you ready for the silent treatment? We just cut our military hotline with South Korea.
3. We also just tore up all previous non-aggression pacts with South Korea.
4. In response to these UN sanctions, we’re going to “exercise the right to a pre-emptive nuclear attack.”
5. We’re ready for “all-out war.”
6. We just invalidated the 1953 amristice, so anything’s fair game.
7. Seriously, that armistice agreement has been invalidated.
8. Now we’re sharply increasing the number of training flights for our fighter-jets.
9. Not impressed? How about we turn South Korea’s Baengyeong Island into a “sea of fire”?
10. Now we’re conducting live-fire drills near a disputed maritime border.
11. Just FYI, our military personnel are standing by to “annihilate the U.S. imperialist aggressors.”
12. At this very moment, all of our citizens are singing a song about wiping out the “U.S. imperialists.”
13. We’re so serious about going to war that we conducted a practice drone strike.
14. That’s it: We’re conducting air-raid drills.
15. We will order “strong military counter-action” if the U.S. conducts more B-52 bomber sorties.
America, China, Russia, France and the UK have insisted that the nuclear weapons being developed by North Korea are the bad ones that bring fear and uncertainty not the good ones that bring peace and stability.
Good nuclear weapons are packed with a combination of rainbows, doves and rose petals that cause widespread hope throughout the world.
Bad nuclear weapons are packed with Marmite, flimsy corner shop carrier bags and Tesco Value Bolognese and cause widespread despair.
The North Korean news agency said the underground test used a smaller, lighter nuclear device with greater explosive force than before, prompting fears that North Korean scientists may have also developed the capability to produce dubstep.
The use of Dubstep, which has been described by music lovers as sounding like a Tyrannosaurus rex being raped by a Transformer, has heightened concerns amongst the international community.
“Having the nuclear capability to annihilate the entire planet should only be allowed if your intentions are peaceful.”
North Korea Nuclear test
“What could be more peaceful than having the capability to kill millions of people,” he explained.
“The problem is that the millions of people you have the capability of killing will want to develop their own nuclear weapons so they can kill you back.”
“I can’t imagine what the answer could be.”
The successful throw took place just outside Pyongyang, and marks a significant turn around in the fortunes of a country that struggles to put food on the table.
The Korean Central News Agency issued a statement, saying, “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un today ascended a device to the heavens in honour of the Great Comrade Kim Il Sung – the Eternal Leader of our party and people.”
“Using only his bare hands His Supremefulness struck fear into the decadent West with a display of raw physicality unknown to those outside the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea.”
“Now check out the ‘gun show’.”
North Korean Satellite
Western analysts have case doubt upon the claims, insisting it currently looks like North Korea put a bath tub in orbit.
Norad spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “The boy looks like he enjoys a doughnut or three, so he’d have a bit of weight to put behind any throw, but it’s essentially impossible.”
The KCNA had the final word, telling rapt viewers of the national television station, “Barack Obama throws basketballs, but the Supreme Leader throws class C communication satellites. Who is better now, hmm?”
The vote tears apart traditional alliances at the United Nations. The United States, Japan, China, Iran, India, North Korea, Syria and Zimbabwe were among 39 countries to oppose the non-binding resolution in the assembly’s rights committee. Thirty-six countries abstained.
Israel voted against its strong US-ally to join European Union nations, Australia, Brazil and South Africa among major countries backing the motion.
Norway, which played a leading role campaigning for the resolution, said on its Twitter account that the increased support was a “great result”.
At the last vote in 2010, 107 countries backed the resolution.
France’s new Socialist government has launched a campaign with other abolitionist states to get the full General Assembly to pass a resolution in December calling for a death penalty moratorium. Though such a resolution would be non-binding, diplomats say it would increase moral pressure.
A world congress against the death penalty is to be held in Madrid in June.
According to the United Nations, about 150 countries have either abolished capital punishment or have instituted a moratorium.
Amnesty International says that China executed “thousands” of prisoners in 2011 though exact figures are hard to determine. It says that other countries put to death at least 680 people with Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia major users of capital punishment.
Amnesty says that progress is slowly being made however. Even in the United States, Illinois last year became the 16th US state to abolish the death penalty.