Redundancy for soldiers who didn’t kill anyone

SOLDIERS who failed to meet Afghan death targets are to be sacked.

Apaches are for closers

The Ministry of Defence said the armed forces will offer taxpayers better value for money if resources are focused solely on those troops who are consistently good at killing people. A spokesman said: “There is no point in buying someone a brand new gun if they keep missing. “And you would not believe the cost of an Apache helicopter. You can’t just hand them out to anyone who’s not related to the Queen.” The MoD is to introduce a commission-based pay structure with new recruits receiving no basic salary but 40% of the value of each dead Afghan. The spokesman added: “The platoon commander will also receive commission for each brown person killed by one of his troops, with the formula being continued all the way up the chain of command. In a good year a brigadier general could take home the best part of £1.5m.” “These days it’s all about ‘ABC’, Always Be Closing…. Afghans. “My watch cost more than your car.” Corporal Roy Hobbs said: “I had a good month in April. Booked six grand worth of Afghans and came top of my section. They gave me two free tickets to the snooker.” But former soldier Nathan Muir added: “I could have closed about 20 Afghans last month but the leads were shit. You get told to close someone but then it turns out they’re fucking miles away. “It’s all politics.” via Redundancy for soldiers who didn’t kill anyone.

Killing people more important than looking after them, confirms Hammond

What does this man care about his fellow man it would seem not a lot

Killing foreign people is much important than looking after our own people, claimed Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond today, insisting further benefit cuts should be used to prevent defence cuts.

Hammond told reporters that allowing poor people to have a standard of living above the poverty line risked our military’s ability to fire the latest missiles into Afghan villages.

“Budgets are obviously very tight at the moment, but if the choice is between a $1.4m cruise missile or putting food on the table for the unemployed then that’s really no choice at all is it.”

“For a start unemployed people don’t make big explosions or, or use state of the art guidance systems.”

“I’ve suggest to the prime minister that we stop giving money to fat people, and in return the MoD gets to keep buying nice shiny bullets to replace all the ones we fire at foreigners.”

“He’s thinking about it.”

Hammond on MoD cuts

Unemployed Simon Williams feels some sympathy for the defence secretary, admitting he probably has a point.

“I look at the house and my two young kids and I think if they cut income support a little more we could maybe paint a few tanks.”

“I mean really, how warm does a family home really have to be?  Surely anything above freezing will be OK, right?”

via Killing people more important than looking after them, confirms Hammond.

via Killing people more important than looking after them, confirms Hammond.