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A Look back on Pope Benedict Jokes, Images,Cartoons and Nonsense


pope-ex-benedict

“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'” –Jimmy Fallon

lazy-pope

“The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, ‘I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that.'” –Jay Leno

pope-quit

“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” –Jay Leno “Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” –Conan O’Brien

pope-rules-marriage

“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” –David Letterman

“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” –David Letterman

pope-quit-job

“The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.” –David Letterman

“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” –Craig Ferguson

black-pope

“CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” –Craig Ferguson

“Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.” –Craig Ferguson

Pope-Retires

pope-benedict-spanish-inquisition

“The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money.” –David Letterman

Pope-Joins-Twitter

“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” –Conan O’Brien

pope-benedict-xvi-vow-poverty

“When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: ‘Nice hat.'” –Jay Leno

“In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon’s claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.” –Seth Meyers

pope-bullet-proof-faith

“In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.” –Jay Leno

“The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you’re dating someone from the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” –Jay Leno “It’s exciting to be here now because you know what’s going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic.” –David Letterman

poehler-pope-gay-marriage

“But did you hear about this? He’s getting on the flight in Rome, and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than three ounces of holy water.” –David Letterman

pope-class-seating

“We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he’ll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee?” –Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They’re both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It’s a fine line.” –Stephen Colbert

“The pope 81 years old, and he’s going to be saying a mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington Thursday, and then on Sunday, he’ll be saying a mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. And I’m worried about that Sunday Mass because the pope will be doing that one on two days’ rest. What a schedule. And right after the mass at Yankee Stadium, the pope goes down to Madison Square Garden and administers the last rites for the Knicks” –David Letterman

being-pope-tough-job

“This seemed odd to me. For the pope’s arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they’re going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn’t there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney’s?” –Jay Leno

popemobile-hyper-speed

“Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin.” –Jay Leno

“The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn’t attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, ‘You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal.” –Jay Leno

Pope-Resignation

“Anyway, when the pope arrived at the White House, he was given a 21-gun salute. That’s got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable. Guns and religion, you know, that kind of thing. Get a little bitter. I don’t know about that.” –Jay Leno

“And coincidentally, today is the pope’s 81st birthday. Isn’t that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats.” –David Letterman

“And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!” –David Letterman

pope-star-wars

“President Obama actually met the pope at the airport. He picked him up. That wasn’t easy, you know, they don’t let you stop at the curb anymore. So, Bush had to keep circling. Bush is driving by, and the pope is trying to flag him down.” –Jay Leno

“It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don’t think President Obama is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, ‘So, where’s Mrs. Pope?'” –Jay Leno

“The pope will be visiting New York later in the week. He’ll be doing a mass at Yankee Stadium. That’ll be pretty cool. Then, he’s going to spend over 12 hours hearing the sins of the two New York governors.” –Jay Leno

“The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who’s picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It’s the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that’s when you know your presidency is winding down, when you’re picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope.” –Jay Leno

“Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he’s single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That’ll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he’ll be performing in an exorcism at ‘The View.’ So he will have his work cut out for him there.” –David Letterman

“Radical Muslims are still angry at the Pope. They say the Pope insulted a whole people and their religion. Then they went back to calling for the destruction of Israel and killing everyone.” –Jay Leno

pope-lack-of-faith

“There’ve been huge protests in the Muslim world over anti-Muslim comments made by the new Pope, Pope Benedict. Today the Pope apologized, saying he never should have gone drinking with Mel Gibson.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology.” –David Letterman

pope-resigns-ex-benedict

via Pope Jokes – Pope Benedict Jokes.

Pope headhunted by Satan


Pope Benedict XVI is leaving his post at the Vatican to work for the devil.

The Pope said it would be ‘interesting to work with so many homosexuals’

Joseph Ratzinger handed in his 30 days’ notice to God, telling a surprised deity that he would be taking up a key role with His arch-rival.

The Pope will become marketing director at Satan’s newly-founded Temple of Darkness, a global devil-worship brand.

He said: “Poping has been great fun and over the last eight years I have met a lot very strange people with some fascinating secrets.

“This isn’t about money, it’s about the creative challenge. I’ll be using my understanding of dogma to create a manifesto for a great new sin-based brand.

“Satan runs a fun, hip organisation – he’s like the Google of worship. There’ll be chilled out brainstorming sessions and loads of muffins.

“Also, I hate hymns, so it’ll be great to organise services where we listen to Cradle of Filth.

“And it will be nice to finally work for a company where I can say, ‘yeah, we’re supposed to do stuff like that’.”

He added: “Thanks to all the priests and nuns, I hope we stay in touch. Thanks to God – I couldn’t have done it without You. And of course, thanks to Tony and Cherie – you guys are mental!”

Satan said: “The Hitler Youth and the Vatican. I should be working for him.”

via Pope headhunted by Satan.

via Pope headhunted by Satan.

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