“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” –Jay Leno “Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” –Conan O’Brien
“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” –David Letterman
“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” –David Letterman
“The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.” –David Letterman
“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” –Craig Ferguson
“CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” –Craig Ferguson
“Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.” –Craig Ferguson
“The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money.” –David Letterman
“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” –Conan O’Brien
“When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: ‘Nice hat.'” –Jay Leno
“In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon’s claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.” –Seth Meyers
“In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.” –Jay Leno
“The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you’re dating someone from the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” –Jay Leno “It’s exciting to be here now because you know what’s going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic.” –David Letterman
“But did you hear about this? He’s getting on the flight in Rome, and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than three ounces of holy water.” –David Letterman
“We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he’ll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee?” –Jay Leno
“Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They’re both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It’s a fine line.” –Stephen Colbert
“The pope 81 years old, and he’s going to be saying a mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington Thursday, and then on Sunday, he’ll be saying a mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. And I’m worried about that Sunday Mass because the pope will be doing that one on two days’ rest. What a schedule. And right after the mass at Yankee Stadium, the pope goes down to Madison Square Garden and administers the last rites for the Knicks” –David Letterman
“This seemed odd to me. For the pope’s arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they’re going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn’t there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney’s?” –Jay Leno
“Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin.” –Jay Leno
“The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn’t attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, ‘You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal.” –Jay Leno
“Anyway, when the pope arrived at the White House, he was given a 21-gun salute. That’s got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable. Guns and religion, you know, that kind of thing. Get a little bitter. I don’t know about that.” –Jay Leno
“And coincidentally, today is the pope’s 81st birthday. Isn’t that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats.” –David Letterman
“And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!” –David Letterman
“President Obama actually met the pope at the airport. He picked him up. That wasn’t easy, you know, they don’t let you stop at the curb anymore. So, Bush had to keep circling. Bush is driving by, and the pope is trying to flag him down.” –Jay Leno
“It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don’t think President Obama is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, ‘So, where’s Mrs. Pope?'” –Jay Leno
“The pope will be visiting New York later in the week. He’ll be doing a mass at Yankee Stadium. That’ll be pretty cool. Then, he’s going to spend over 12 hours hearing the sins of the two New York governors.” –Jay Leno
“The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who’s picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It’s the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that’s when you know your presidency is winding down, when you’re picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope.” –Jay Leno
“Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he’s single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That’ll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he’ll be performing in an exorcism at ‘The View.’ So he will have his work cut out for him there.” –David Letterman
“Radical Muslims are still angry at the Pope. They say the Pope insulted a whole people and their religion. Then they went back to calling for the destruction of Israel and killing everyone.” –Jay Leno
“There’ve been huge protests in the Muslim world over anti-Muslim comments made by the new Pope, Pope Benedict. Today the Pope apologized, saying he never should have gone drinking with Mel Gibson.” –Jay Leno
“There’s a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology.” –David Letterman
From humble origins he rose
Q: Why was Pope Benedict XVI not allowed to fly into the United States?
A: He wanted to bring more than 3 oz of holy water with him!
Q: What did the Pope say to the woman who jumped over barricades, tackled the pope, and fell on top of him?
A: “Wait, your not an altar boy!”
Q: What does the Pope say to young boys at communion?
A: You can’t squeal on me with your mouth full, can you!
Q: What can you infer after hearing that Pope Benedict XVI had surgery on his wrist after falling at a Alpine vacation chalet?
A: Altar boys are fighting back!
“The Pope is retiring due to ‘lack of strength’. This must be in reference to how he handled the pedophilia scandal.”…Jim Norton
“Call me crazy, but I think the next Pope should be someone who didn’t help cover up child rape. Tho,that may disqualify every single cardinal.” …Chris Hayes
Q: What new Hollywood film is Pope Benedict XVI promoting while he is in the United States?
A: The 80 Year Old Virgin!