Tens of thousands of Brazilian pilgrims were left disappointed today, by the pontiff’s inability to produce a Royal Baby. Although Pope Francis promised to bring people to the ‘open arms of Christ the Redeemer’, there is a sense that the Duchess of Cambridge has ‘raised the bar’ for global figures.
While the rest of the world is gripped by baby fever, the head of the Catholic Church has stubbornly refused ‘to take one for the team’. A reproducing Bishop of Rome could allow for more youthful Popes, an hereditary College of Cardinals and lucrative reality TV shows. Many priests have been valiantly trying for to get altar boys pregnant for generations, but Pope Francis has so far avoided opening his papal womb to the public. ‘The Vatican has been ‘dining-out’ on this one miracle birth for two thousand years,’ criticised one reporter. ‘Whereas your Windsors, they’ve been popping out sprogs left, right and centre. Some of them even in wedlock!’
Crowds flooded to Rio de Janeiro, with mothers holding up babies as visual clues for Pope Francis or in some cases passing him bouquets of flowers in the hope of pollinating him. Later the Pope ironically visited Our Lady of the Conception, but completely failed to inseminate himself. Protestors began to line the streets as soon as it became known that his vestments were not concealing ‘a baby bump’. Police were forced to fire tear gas and said a homemade explosive device was discovered at the shrine. One Cardinal commented: ‘We are in the wonderment business, so the miracle of childbirth should be something any Pope can do’.
Vatican Scandal: First Money, Now Sex. Only Five Sins left!
The ongoing Vatican Scandal (now Scandals) is probably causing Pope Francis to wonder whether getting the job was such a great idea. Of course, scandal in the Catholic Church is nothing new. His predecessors had more than their fair share, so he is …
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Vatican Bank Managers Resign Amid Broadening Financial Scandal
The director and deputy director of the Vatican bank resigned yesterday as a series of investigations lead to a renewal of the Church’s financial structures. Paolo Cipriani and his deputy Massimo Tulli stepped down “in the best interest of the …
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Vatican sex abuse scandal: Priests paid to leave
Christian Science Monitor
Newly released documents show the cardinal of the Archdiocese of New York, in his former job, repeatedly warned the Vatican office responsible for handling clergy sex abuse of the potential forscandal in Milwaukee and urged it to defrock abusive priests.
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|Two Vatican Bank Officials Resign Amid Latest Wave of Scandals
The Atlantic Wire
Von Freyberg became the IRW’s president in February, as one of the last acts of the now emeritus Pope Benedict XVII before he left his post. He’s a German lawyer and a member of the Knights of Malta, and Benedict tapped him for the job with the hope …
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|Heads of Vatican Bank resign following recent scandals
According to the Vatican’s official statement, the IOR’s director Paolo Cipriani and deputy director Massimo Tulli, both laymen, tendered their resignation ‘in the best interest of the Institute and the Holy See.’ German businessman Ernst von Freyberg …
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The Vatican has just announced that, despite what Pope Francis said in his homily earlier this week, atheists are still going to hell.
What a relief. For a brief moment there it was possible to imagine a brave new world of compassion, generosity and acceptance, not qualities we have come to associate with the Holy See.
Said Pope Francis this week: ‘The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone!’
That seemed like a pretty clear admission that people of other faiths and none have intrinsic worth to God and will be saved alongside the faithful. But this turned out to be wishful thinking.
Although they are otherwise good, moral people they are still doomed to burn in a lake of fire for having the temerity to have been born outside of Catholicism or having chosen to remain so.
The Rev. Thomas Rosica, a Vatican spokesman, spelled it out for the world on Thursday. People who know about the Catholic church ‘cannot be saved’ if they ‘refuse to enter her or remain in her,’ he said.
So that’s one tall order of eternal hellfire for the rest of us, then.
It makes for an interesting spectacle to see the infallible pope being corrected by his handlers, doesn’t it? For a moment it was possible to recall the welcoming and indulgent style of the short lived Pope John Paul I in the unexpectedly all-embracing words of Pope Francis. But you’ll recall how quickly John Paul I was replaced by the much more doctrinaire John Paul II.
There’s no question that Pope Francis sees the divinity in all human beings, but that’s a message that comes with caveats. God may make them all, Jew and Gentile, but unless they’re Catholic they’re ultimately kindling. The Vatican waited 24 hours to correct him, but they corrected him.
Yes, yes, the Council of Trent clearly taught that Jesus Christ, humanity’s one and only Redeemer, redeemed both Jew and Gentile. But there is a huge difference between redemption and salvation. See how that works? Judas Iscariot was redeemed by Christ’s death on the cross, but he was not saved – Catholics believe he is damned in hell.
To be justified requires faith – and that faith must be Catholic. You see where this is going?
If I was Pope Francis, I’d be employing a food tester right about now.
Edward Pentin’s Perspective: A 43-year-old Mexican father of two, who claims to be possessed by demons — and whom Pope Francis prayed over earlier this month in what some witnesses likened to a public exorcism — insists that he still has demons inside him.
Identified only as Angel V., the man told Spanish-language newspaper El Mundo that he had undergone some 30 exorcisms by 10 exorcists, including the renowned Roman exorcist Rev. Gabriel Amorth, who all tried unsuccessfully to free him from his affliction. The interview was reported in the Italian daily La Stampa.
“I still have the demons inside me, they have not gone away,” the man said, noting that he felt much better after the Pope prayed over him. El Mundo reported that the man is able to walk. He was in a wheelchair when he met Pope Francis on May 19 at the conclusion of Mass on Pentecost Sunday.
Pope Francis laid his hands on the wheelchair-bound man in St Peter’s Square. The man’s expressions and the fact that he was known to be possessed made it appear to be an exorcism, although the Vatican denied the assertion, saying the Pope “did not intend to perform any exorcism” but simply prayed “for a suffering person who had been brought before him.”
An exorcism is, in the strict sense, a “casting out” of evil spirits using a very precise ritual. The Pope performed what is called a “laying on of hands” — a very ancient practice, going back to the Old Testament. In Christian tradition, it continues to be an act of blessing, and is also offered as an act of primarily spiritual healing by an ordained priest or bishop.
Angel V., who is married and lives in the state of Michoacán, claims to have been possessed by demons since 1999.
The Rev. Juan Rivas, a well-known Mexican priest, who accompanied Angel V. to Rome and was with him when he met the Pope, confirmed in an interview with El Mundo that Angel V. had been subjected to 30 exorcisms but “the demons that live in him do not want to leave him.” Rivas, a popular figure in Mexico and a member of the Legionaries of Christ, recalled how Angel kissed the pontiff’s ring and immediately fell into a trance.
“The Pope then laid his hands on his head and at that moment a terrible sound was heard (from him), like the roar of a lion,” Rivas said. “All those who were there heard it perfectly well. The Pope for sure heard it [but] he continued with his prayer, as if he had faced similar situations before.”
In the interview, Angel V. recalled the first time the demons entered him in 1999 when he was on a bus in Mexico. He felt “an energy” had entered the bus. “I did not see it with my eyes, but I perceived it,” he recalled. “I noted that it came close to me, and then stopped in front of me. Then, suddenly, I noted that something like a stake pierced my chest and, little by little, I had the sensation that it was opening my ribs.”
It felt like a heart attack, he added, and he thought he would die.
From then on, he said, his health started deteriorating: he vomited whatever he ate; he felt pains in his whole body, as if he was full of needles; he began to have difficulty in walking and breathing. “I could not sleep, and when I managed to sleep I had terrible nightmares connected with the evil one,” he asserted. He began to fall into trances in which he blasphemed, and spoke in unknown languages.
Medical doctors gave him thorough examinations but “could not get to the cause of my problems,” he said. Priests gave him Extreme Unction (a sacrament administered to the sick) four times, but this only “relieved” but did not remove his problem. The Catholic said he prays to God which helps him.
Knowing that he is possessed, he said is a source of “much fear,” but he also feels “very dirty at the thought that there was an evildoer within me.” His family reacted with incredulity, while some of his siblings were skeptical and thought he was psychologically unbalanced, he said.
For the past few years, Angel has sought out exorcists, including a leading Spanish priest, the Rev. Jose Antonio Fortea, who carried out exorcisms on him, and Amorth in Rome, but none could cast out his demons.
The possession turned into “a nightmare,” he said, causing him to lose a publicity company he owned and forcing him to sell some real estate. His family though has stood by him. “Fortunately, my children have never seen me in a trance, though they know I am ill,” he explained, adding that the past eight months have been particularly difficult.
One night he had a dream about Pope Francis, and when he woke up from the dream he turned on the TV and saw the Pope celebrating Mass exactly as he had seen in his dream “and then the idea came into my head that I should go to Rome.”
At that time he was reading a book by Amorth, “The Last Exorcist,” which included details of how both Benedict XVI and John Paul II carried out exorcisms on people brought to them. Angel V. asked Rivas, whom he has known for two years, to accompany him to the Vatican.
Amorth believes Angel is without doubt possessed, and that it is a possession “with a message.” “Not only is he possessed, but the devil who lives in him finds himself obliged by God to transmit a message,” he said.
Urgent: Should the Pope change the Catholic Church?
“Angel is a good man. He has been chosen by the Lord to give a message to the Mexican clergy and to tell the bishops that they have to do an act of reparation for the law on abortion that was approved in Mexico City in 2007, which was an insult to the Virgin,” according to Amorth. “Until they . . . do this, Angel will not be liberated.”
Edward Pentin began reporting on the Vatican as a correspondent with Vatican Radio in 2002. He has covered the Pope and the Holy See for a number of publications, including Newsweek, and The Sunday Times
“The first thing he said when shown the papal apartments at the Vatican was ‘There is room for three hundred people here’ – next thing we knew the place was packed with raving clergymen!” says Cardinal Hugo Strangler, describing the changes being wrought in the Vatican by the recently-elected Pope Francis. “The rave went on all night, with His Holiness himself on the decks, spinning us some wicked mixes of Pat Boone and Cliff Richard! The younger priests were putting away the communion wine and wafers like the world was about to end!” According to Cardinal Strangler, who participated in the conclave which elected Pope Francis, the impromptu rave is typical of the new Pontiff’s interest in using popular culture as a vehicle for disseminating the word of God. “He’s really down with the kids,” explains Strangler. “He’s got his finger firmly on the pulse of popular culture – even his Papal name reflects this.” Contrary to popular belief, the Cardinal claims, the new Pope isn’t named for St Francis of Assisi, but rather for Francis Rossi of Status Quo. “By honouring this titan of modern pop music, His Holiness is hoping to demonstrate to the youth of the world that the church still has relevance,” he says. “He’s planning to get down with the kids soon – bringing his Stratocaster out onto the balcony at St Peter’s Square and thrashing out a few classic Quo covers.”
The Pope’s guitar has allegedly already had at least one outing in aid of interdenominational harmony, with Rome rife with rumours of an impromptu jam session involving Pope Francis on lead guitar, his Coptic equivalent on bass and the Dalai Lama on drums. “It is said to have happened in a basement bar near the Vatican, the day after the Holy Father was appointed,” says the Cardinal. “He’d apparently gone to settle his hotel bill, then bumped into the other two spiritual leaders outside the bar and one thing led to another. It is said that they thrashed out a number of old Jimi Hendrix numbers, including Voodoo Child and Purple Haze.” Indeed, stories about the unconventional new Pope’s populist antics are rife throughout the Italian capital, including the claim that the evening after his official inauguration, Pope Francis attended a karaoke night at a local bar, belting out a number of popular hymns and Gregorian chants, to the delight of the rest of the audience. “He is clearly a Pope of the people – in touch with the common man,” comments Strangler. “He understands that we must start preaching the gospel in terms that modern ordinary people can understand, if the church is to survive.”
However, Pope Francis’ pop culture approach to the Catholic faith and, in particular, his calls for it to become the church of the poor, have not met with universal approval in the Roman Catholic hierarchy. “All this ‘Pope a Go Go’ business is all very well, but he’s riskin’ making us a laughin’ stock,” declares Brendan O’Fugh, Bishop of Skibbereen. “At a time when we need to be reassertin’ our moral authority, in the wake of all these kiddie fiddlin’ allegations and the like, the last thing we need is the Pope jitterbuggin’ round the Basilica and singin’ duets with Justin Beiber!” O’Fugh is also suspicious of Pope Francis’ commitment to use the wealth of the church to help the world’s poor. “Look, the poor are poor because it is all part of God’s feckin’ plan, alright? Who are we to question His scheme of things?” says the exasperated cleric. “He creates us all equal, doesn’t He? If some lazy bastards can’t be bothered to get off their arses and make somethin’ of themselves, that’s their problem. The Almighty gave us free will, for feck’s sake, didn’t he? It’s their choice! If we bale ‘em out we’re just goin’ against God’s will!” O’Fugh is worried at the form that Pope Francis’ attempts to help the poor might take. “If we’re not careful, he’ll be holdin’ a feckin’ car boot sale in St Peter’s Square, floggin’ off all of our art treasures at bargain basement prices and givin’ the proceeds to some feckin’ beggars or gyppos!” he declares. “Next thing, he’ll be turning our bloody cathedrals and churches into doss houses! Look, if he really wanted to help the poor, he’d start advocatin’ contraception, wouldn’t he? But that’s not goin’ to happen, is it?”
O’Fugh had favoured a more conservative candidate for the Papacy, following Pope Benedict’s resignation, most specifically Cardinal Franco Hatchet. “He’s the sort of fellah we need to bring some dignity and respect back to the church,” enthuses the bishop. “I know people are always sayin’ he’s some kind of knee-jerk reactionary, but he has some pretty progressive ideas.” O’Fugh has been particularly impressed by Hatchet’s recent theological papers in which he has attempted to show that suicide might not be a mortal sin under certain circumstances – if committed in the name of God, for instance. “There’s no doubt that it opens up some fascinatin’ possibilities,” he muses. “Like the idea of Catholic suicide bombers who could instil real fear into the infidels and sinners. I mean, it’s worked wonders for the Muslims – nobody messes with them, do they? Not that I’m actually advocatin’ sendin’ out our parishioners to blow up abortion clinics – though that would make the bitches think twice about murderin’ their babies – I’m just sayin’ that you don’t see anyone takin’ the piss out of the Muslims now, do you? You don’t get any feckin’ comedians or gobshites on the web crackin’ jokes about Imams buggerin’ kiddies, do you?”
Most leading theologians agree that Hatchet’s already slim chances of becoming Pope were dashed completely by his recent intervention in the child abuse scandals which had threatened to engulf Benedict XVI’s papacy. “All he said was that we were lookin’ at it from the wrong perspective,” says Bishop O’Fugh. “Those kiddies weren’t victims – they were blessed! The so-called abuse they suffered at the hands of priests were actually a test from God – the Bible’s full of that sort of thing: just look at the Book of Job! It was a brilliant bit of scholarship on Hatchet’s part – an attempt to reconcile this alleged abuse with the fact that its alleged perpetrators were supposedly agents of the Almighty!” Controversially, O’Fugh is convinced that the election of Pope Francis was a mistake and is calling for a re-run of the ballot. “I have it on good authority that the white smoke billowin’ out of the chimney was a mistake – they hadn’t actually elected a new Pope at that point,” he confides. “As I understand it, the Cardinals had found a stash of kiddie porn in the room – probably planted by bloody protestants or atheists – and, in order to avoid another scandal, burned the filth in the stove, inadvertently causin’ the white smoke. When they realised what had happened, they panicked and picked a new Pope by drawin’ lots! I mean, they felt that had no choice, the media were clamourin’ for a name and those bloody marchin’ bands were already stampin’ around the square!”
In a move that is is sure to anger somebody, the new Pope, Pope Francis the something or other, has been approached by the Argentinian government who have requested that the Falkland islands are given to Argentina.
Sadly, Frank’s knowledge of geography is quite poor, and he has given Argentina the Isle of Wight instead.
“I would have thought,” said Newport councillor Franco Di Santo, “that all Argentinians would have known where the Falkland Islands were. Apparently not. This suggests that the vast majority of Argies have no idea that Argentina actually wants the Falklands, or even that the they tried to invade in the eighties.”
The residents of the Isle of Wight are not particularly bothered by the Pope’s gift to his country of birth.
Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, the president of Argentina, is less than thrilled with the gift.
“There’s no oil in the English Sleeve,” she said. “What is the use of the gift? Not that we wanted the Malvinas because of oil, I must add rather too quickly. Nevertheless, I fail to see what we could do with the Wight Isle. What is a Garlic Festival? Why does Newport have more garden gnomes than any other place on earth? And why is nobody allowed on Ryde Pier? These are important questions we would need answering.”
David Cameron has announced that he will not be objecting to the gift of the island to the Argentinians.
“I had a really bad holiday in Cowes when I was seven,” said Cameron. “It remains to this day a bad memory for me. On a cost basis, it’s a bit of a money hole. We subsidise the chain link ferry, we subsidise the farmers there, despite there being no arable land at all on the island from what I can tell. It’s not so much the money, more the bad memory.”
Pope Frankie was reluctant to talk about it, but when pressed, he admitted that he didn’t realise that the British had islands so far from their mainland, and had been taking a week’s holiday in Greece during the Falklands war and missed it.
According to confidential sources within the Vatican Curia, Pope Francis has served an eviction notice on Pope Emeritus Benedict. The former pope has one week from Easter Sunday to vacate Castel Gandolfo or answer to the Italian courts.
The action by Pope Francis has taken the Vatican by complete surprise given his well-known humility and charity for all. However, it has been revealed that since Benedict retired, he has piled up enormous bills at Castel Gandolfo — all at Francis’ expense.
Attempts to interview the erstwhile pontiff have been unsuccessful, since he has been spotted “tooling” around the Alban Hills in a 300,000 Euro Maserati Gran Turismo Sport.
Jerusalem 1 April 2013
A surprise announcement with wide ranging theological implications has sent shock waves around the world. Jesus Christ (Daddy Jr.) the Jewish founder of Christianity and spiritual leader of two billion Christians today revealed that he had converted to the one true religion of “The Previous Day church of the Mighty Leprechaun”.
Mr. Christ said I know that I have erred and I should not have followed my father’s path. I deeply regret any problems or confusion I may have caused.
He urged Christians worldwide to renounce His former religion to join him in embracing The Church of The Mighty Leprechaun and to follow its divine leader Money Bags O’Gold.
He went on to state that it was an insidious misunderstanding that the Church of the Mighty Leprechaun, both past and present indulged in human and animal sacrifice. Moreover, he said on the contrary no evidence was available to substantiate this theory. He citied one of the main reasons for leaving the Christian church was his Daddies fondness for human and animal sacrifice, his support of slavery and the various war crimes committed by his father.
An unnamed church source on behalf of Junior issued the following press release
To quote my fathers words
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to turn
“A man against his father,
A daughter against her mother,
A daughter-in –law against her mother…
Junior said the genocide of 25 million people in a flood was indefensible.
The following is a partial list of other crimes committed by my father.
Kill every Egyptian first born.
A plague for complaining about the standard of grub.
Another plague for frolicking in the hay with the daughters of Moab.
God orders Moses to slaughter the Midianites but to keep the virgin females for further usage.
God delivers the King of Bashan to the Israelites so that they might butcher them.
God has the Midianites soldiers comically kill one and other.
God gets fed up with David for taking a census and sends another plague resulting in large scale loss of life.
God delivers the Syrians into Ahab’s hands for massacre.
The Lord strikes down the vast army of the Cushites.
God massacres soldiers of Judah because they had forsaken the lord.
He went on to state one of the great traits of the Leprechaun church lied in its tolerance of diversity, which is both healthy and natural. He also maintained that none of us had a monopoly on truth
Neither the Daddy nor the spook was available for comment but religious leaders are indicating a Multi faceted divinity split.
In further news The Vatican’s College of Cardinals have advocated embracing Leprechaun law, while the other half is calling for Christ’s immediate excommunication and recommending the interim worship of Pope Francis until a suitable replacement deity is found.
On Hearing this news, The Pope burst out into his favorite song
Hello young boys
Rama, dama, ding dong
Here I come
The Church of the Mighty Leprechaun stated that they would continue raising pots of gold from a gullible public. They further stated that they did not expect this development to impact on them but they saw this as an opportunity to strengthen their fund raising operations.
Money Bags O’Gold in a rare public utterance thanked Christ for this bountiful windfall.
The 76-year-old emerged from the balcony of St Peter’s Basilica to the cry of “Habemus Papam!” (“We Have a Pope!”), as tens of thousands of pilgrims clambered over barriers and broke down in tears, overcome with emotion after suspenseful prayer vigils worldwide.
Bergoglio is the first Jesuit to become pope but he brings to the Vatican a legacy of controversy.
If you are Catholic and wished for a beacon of light and hope I am afraid you will be disappointed
The following is an abbreviated version pf the Pope views from Wikipedia
Relations with the Argentine government
Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio meets Argentine president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.
On 15 April 2005, a human rights lawyer filed a criminal complaint against Bergoglio, as superior in the Society of Jesus of Argentina, accusing him of involvement in the kidnapping by the Navy in May 1976 (during the Dirty War) of two Jesuit priests. The priests, Orlando Yorio and Franz Jalics, were found alive five months later, drugged and semi-naked. Yorio accused Bergoglio of effectively handing them over to the death squads by declining to tell the regime that he endorsed their work. Jalics refused to discuss it after moving into seclusion in a German monastery. Horacio Verbitsky, an Argentine investigative journalist and former montonero, wrote a book about this and other related events titled El Silencio: de Paulo VI a Bergoglio: las relaciones secretas de la Iglesia con la ESMA. Verbitsky also writes that the Argentine Navy with the help of Cardinal Bergoglio hid the dictatorship’s political prisoners in Bergoglio’s holiday home from a visiting delegation of the Inter-American Human Rights Commission.
According to the book, after their release, Yorio accused the then-Provincial of his Jesuit order San Miguel, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, to have denounced him. Father General Pedro Arrupe in Rome was informed by letter or during the abduction, both he and Orlando Yorio were excluded from the Jesuit Order.
Bergoglio told his authorized biographer, Sergio Rubin, that after the priests’ imprisonment, he worked behind the scenes for their release; Bergoglio’s intercession with dictator Jorge Rafael Videla on their behalf may have saved their lives. “The cardinal could not justify why these two priests were in a state of helplessness and exposed,” according to Luis Zamora, who said that Bergoglio’s testimony “demonstrates the role of the Church during the last military dictatorship.”
Abortion and Euthanasia
Bergoglio has encouraged his clergy and laity to oppose both abortion and euthanasia, describing the pro-choice movement as a “culture of death”. Francis opposed the free distribution of contraceptives in Argentina. The document links worthiness to receive the Eucharist, to compliance and acceptance of Church teaching against “abominable crimes” such as abortion and euthanasia
“We hope that legislators, heads of government, and health professionals, conscious of the dignity of human life and of the rootedness of the family in our peoples, will defend and protect it from the abominable crimes of abortion and euthanasia; that is their responsibility … We should commit ourselves to ‘eucharistic coherence’, that is, we should be conscious that people cannot receive Holy Communion and at the same time act or speak against the commandments, in particular when abortion, euthanasia, and other serious crimes against life and family are facilitated. This responsibility applies particularly to legislators, governors, and health professionals.”
Statements made during his presentation which referred to a topical Argentine abortion case were opposed by that country’s government, who stated[who?] that “the diagnosis of the Church in relation to social problems in Argentina is correct, but to mix that with abortion and euthanasia, is at least a clear example of ideological malfeasance.”
Bergoglio has affirmed church teaching on homosexuality, including that “men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies must be accepted with respect and compassion.He opposes same-sex marriage, and strongly, but ultimately unsuccessfully, opposed legislation introduced in 2010 to allow same-sex marriage in Argentina, calling it a “real and dire anthropological throwback.” In a letter to the monasteries of Buenos Aires, he wrote: “Let’s not be naïve, we’re not talking about a simple political battle; it is a destructive pretension against the plan of God. We are not talking about a mere bill, but rather a machination of the Father of Lies[ that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God.”] Bergoglio has also stated that adoption by same-sex couples is a “form of discrimination against children.