The Prime Minister is expected to outline plans today for online pornography to be made available only in homes that ‘opt-in’ to such content, seemingly unaware that everyone has already done so.
Internet user Simon Williams told us, “The moment I hear there was a plan for opt-in, I put my hand in the air. Not that one, that one was busy.”
“If the government is somehow under the impression that this nation’s secret perverts will too ashamed to opt-in to get access to their porn fix, then they are sorely mistaken.”
“If I could double opt-in to get access to the really good stuff, I would.”
Porn filter opt-in
The government has spoken of its disappointment at the 100% opt-in rate, explaining they thought there might be one or two homes that chose not to.
A spokesperson explained, “The mistake we have made is underestimating how thoroughly depraved the general public is, and how tedious masturbation can actually be without access to a myriad of online filth.”
Online decency campaigner Sheila Matthews said, “This new government plan is important because it will keep the minds of our young people pure, and we need to protect the most vulnerable in society from materials that could corrupt their young minds.”
“Yes, my husband has already opted in, but that’s not the point.”
Recently, zookeepers at Spain’s Seville Zoo took a tip from the parents of young children everywhere and parked Gina the chimp in front of a television so she could entertain herself for a little while. Gina, left alone in her cage with the remote control, did exactly what you would do—she watched as much porn as possible. Jane Goodall, of course, first documented that chimps love porn in her groundbreaking 1972 book Chimps Are Basically Creeps. In a surprising twist with deep implications for evolutionary science, the zookeepers apparently couldn’t get enough of watching a monkey jerk off to human porn. We’re just kidding of course. Chimps aren’t monkeys.