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Women definitely lining up to marry Catholic priests


priests-to-marry

Single women everywhere have expressed their desire to marry an elderly virgin man after Cardinal Keith O’Brien said he believed priests should be allowed to marry.

O’Brien, the country’s most senior Catholic, said that although some aspects of the Catholic faith are of ‘divine origin’ and therefore non-negotiable, allowing priests to marry might reduce the likelihood of them bumming kids.

He told reporters, “There’s some things we won’t budge on. Like abortion, euthanasia and the gays.”

“But Jesus didn’t say priests shouldn’t marry, so it should be on the table as an option, right?”

“After all, he didn’t specifically say ‘don’t rape young boys in your care’ either, so there’s clear precedent for basing church policy on things Jesus didn’t say.”

“You know, there comes a time in every man’s life when he becomes intrigued by the whole vagina thing, so maybe we take a cursory look at it?”

Priests could marry

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The news that a whole new segment of eligible men could hit the dating market has alerted many single women on the look out for a husband.

Single woman Sheila Matthews said, “Like most modern women, I’m concerned about diseases, so I’ve been on the look out for a man with zero sexual partners.”

“I suppose if push came to shove I could make do with one who hasn’t had any adult sexual partners.”

via Women definitely lining up to marry Catholic priests.

via Women definitely lining up to marry Catholic priests.

Women Priests to give Catholics the Horn!


Being a Catholic is about having a lot of sex!

If you disagree with this statement consider the fact that so many couples are unable to conceive and many have to try for years to get pregnant, but Catholics have huge families!

The only possible conclusion…they’re at it all the time, catholic parents just can’t wait to get into the sack and make some more catholics, and rightly so as less and less people are going to church these days because it’s really boring and it splits up the day!

More catholics means more money in the collection plate and bingo, that’s the church roof fixed!

However, just because you don’t wear a condom, it doesn’t mean you’re horny all the time and that’s where women priests would be able to help in a way that their male counterparts have never been able to.

The debate about women priests rumbles on but now it seems they have an ace up their sleeve.

Concecrated Lingerie!

Bless my sainted trousers, that’s the answer.

By turning sunday prayer into a protracted burlesque show you would not only get the congregation fired up for an afternoon of wild passion, the net effect would be a doubling of the congregation overnight!

Shit, we’d be there in a flash!

Sex sells, and the good work of The Lord costs money, it’s a no-brainer!

Exponents of this scheme point out that there is no passage in the bible suggesting that scantily clad priestesses are not allowed to spread the word of God.

Those opposed to sexing up the church also point out that ‘Thou shalt not smoke Crack’ is not one of the ten commandments but that doesn’t make it right!

Ask yourself this…if church was sexy, would you go?

Of course you would!

via Women Priests to give Catholics the Horn!.

via Women Priests to give Catholics the Horn!.

Catholic Church begins Ordaining Badgers into the Priesthood


Badgers are already Black and White so no need for a uniform!

Perhaps it’s because they can’t have sex, perhaps it’s because they have to keep going to church all the time and be helpful…whatever it is that is putting men off becoming priests, their numbers are dwindling.

However, there are still many parishioners and churches which require a priest, the word must be spread and the needy administered to.

As a result of this, the Catholic church have begun ordaining badgers into the priesthood.

The first batch of badger priests have already taken up office in their new parishes and the locals are said to be ‘very interested’ to see how they get on.

Of course this action has ignited a huge protest from women who are still not allowed to become catholic priests.

“Its Fucking ludicrous!” Said Mary Taylor, a woman who was told she couldn’t serve the church on account of her foul language. “Badgers? Are they saying badgers are more holy than women? What a crock of shit! Women are much better at abstaining from sex than badgers!” *

*Sadly we don’t have any statistics to prove or refute this statement although badger promiscuity has been blamed for the sharp increase in unexplained cat buggerings in the UK.

It has been suggested that badgers were selected because they are already black and white and therefore don’t require a uniform which is a good way for the church to save money, but this has been dismissed by the church as piffle.

“It’s because they’re so holy!” Said renowned theologian Arthur Stevens from Cambridge University. “More and more badgers are answering the call of our lord!” he continued in between sips of the third or fourth beer we had to buy him.

The Haddock has, however, obtained damning evidence that this whole exercise is just a cover for a much larger operation to save badgers from being culled for spreading bovine TB.

via Catholic Church begins Ordaining Badgers into the Priesthood.

via Catholic Church begins Ordaining Badgers into the Priesthood.

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