“It was definitely murder – they clearly offed her with a pillow over her face because she knew too much about the Jimmy Savile scandal,” Rudolf Hambone has claimed on his daily internet radio show. Right On. “I mean, does anyone really believe that nonsense about an eighty seven year old woman with her life ahead of her dying from natural causes, completely out of the blue?” As the world reels from the news of the passing of the sainted former Prime Minister, celebrated conspiracy theorist and right-wing commentator Hambone is asking the question: who killed Maggie Thatcher? Rejecting the official story that she died peacefully in her sleep, Hambone has used his daily political discussion show to speculate, to the consternation of many of his fellow right-wing nut jobs, that Lady Thatcher was actually the victim of a high level conspiracy hell-bent on covering up the true extent of the establishment’s involvement with disgraced former Radio One DJ Jimmy Savile’s sex crimes. “If it wasn’t murder, then why were they so secretive about the removal of her body, putting all those black screens up around the Ritz Hotel and taking her out in an unmarked van?” he demaned in yesterday’s broadcast. “In fact, why was she at the Ritz in the first place? I don’t buy this nonsense about her recuperating there after hospital treatment – why didn’t she just go home like everyone else does?” He has also cast doubt on claims that, toward the end of her life, Mrs Thatcher was suffering dementia. “If she really was gaga, why was she at the Ritz? I didn’t know that room service there extended to geriatric nursing care!” he observed. “She was fooling no one, wandering around her house with a flowerpot on her head doing seagull impressions – it was all an act designed to convince ‘them’ that she remembered nothing about the Savile conspiracy!”
According to Hambone, the then Mrs Thatcher, a close confidant of Jimmy Savile in the 1980s, used her position as Prime Minister to prevent the police from pursuing complaints of sexual assault against the late TV personality. “She also got the Security Service, MI5, to ensure that stories about Savile’s conduct were never published by the press,” Hambone asserted on his programme. “The fact was that Savile was the centre of a paedophile ring involving numerous members of the British establishment, including at least one member of the royal family and several Tory cabinet ministers!” Thatcher, he claimed, engaged in the conspiracy after becoming besotted with Savile. “She was always susceptible to silver tongued bastards with a plausible line in patter – if it wasn’t Savile making her go weak at the knees, it was Reagan, PW Botha or General Pinochet,” Hambone explained. “Savile knew exactly how to butter her up with well-placed flattery – he even persuaded her to lend him the Prime Minister’s official country residence at Chequers for one of his notorious sex parties!” With Savile’s death in 2011 and the subsequent revelations about his activities, other members of the paedophile ring naturally began to worry that they, too, could be exposed. “They began to worry that Lady Thatcher could be the weak link,” claimed the broadcaster. “In fact, her ploy of pretending to be gaga backfired, as they became so worried that she might let something slip in her demented ramblings, that they decided they had to silence her!”
Hambone’s theories have been met with hostility from both left and right on the political spectrum. “It’s ludicrous and, frankly, insulting to suggest that Thatcher could have been the victim of some phantom conspiracy of the rich and privileged,” commented Labour MP Ron Smidghurst in the his column in the Daily Norks. “The list of good honest working class people who could happily have killed her is practically endless. But obviously, the right could never accept that someone from the lower orders might be able to successfully ‘off’ their precious Iron Lady! Oh no, it could only have been some toff!” However, right-wingers are equally appalled by Hambone’s allegations. “These claims, linking Lady Thatcher with something as sordid as a sex scandal, before she’s even cold really are despicable. It is clearly just a crude attempt by some publicity-seeker to boost listening figures for his obscure internet broadcast by capitalising on the demise of this poor woman,” said Norbert Clenchingthorpe, deputy editor of the vDaily Excess, which included a thirty page full colour glossy supplement celebrating the life of Lady Thatcher in its latest issue, along with an editorial calling for her canonisation. “I suppose we should be thankful that he isn’t claiming that her children, Mark and Carole, smothered the old lady for their inheritance, I mean, that Mark Thatcher was always getting into scrapes wasn’t he, and Carole must need the money since she was dropped by the BBC. Not they would have done such a thing, obviously.”
The Excess has its own theories as to the untimely demise of Lady Thatcher. “If she was murdered – and that is a very big if, despite all those stories about her health, we believe she was still fit enough to best any attacker in hand-to-hand combat – we believe that it would have been a politically motivated assassination,” Clenchingthorpe has claimed. “Indded, our money is on it being linked to her support for the apartheid regime in South Africa – we’ve had several reports of a black man having been seen hanging around the back of the Ritz. Obviously, they are far too upmarket an establishment to be employing that sort. Moreover, was it just coincidence that Nelson Mandela was released from hospital just a few days before her death? Is his supposed infirmity just a cover? Does he have an alibi for the night of Lady Thatcher’s death?”
Hambone is adamant that his version of events is true. “If she wasn’t murdered, then why will there be no lying in state for Lady Thatcher? Why can’t we see the body?” he asked on his latest show. “Is it because it shows the marks of violence? Ligature marks around her throat, perhaps? Or maybe a gaping bullet wound?” He has also queried the levels of security which will surround Lady Thatcher’s funeral, with troops guarding the route. “Just what are they worried about?” he asked. “Are they afraid that someone might try to break open the coffin and expose the fact she was murdered?” Ron Smidgehurst has another explanation for the security precautions. “They’re more worried that some of the poor bastards who suffered under her diabolical policies will try and drive a stake through her heart, just to make sure she’s dead, if they have her lying in state,” he claimed in his newspaper column. “It’s the same with the security on the funeral route – they’re afraid the coffin will be hijacked and her body disinterred and beheaded by an angry mob. I just hope that nobody chants ‘Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Out, out, out!’ while the hearse is passing by, otherwise the evil old bat will come crawling out of her coffin to blight our lives all over again!”
The Republic of Decay, a place now so dire that even the monkeys decline offers of bananas.
The three pillars of the Establishment, the financial institutions, the political organizations and the Church stagger on unwittingly oblivious to the realities of life. Their epicurean menu is corruption, lies, arrogance, greed, sleaze, sodomy, deceit, nepotism, distortion of the truth, gross incompetence. The list can go on and on forever.
When can they learn to tell their Citizens something that resembles the truth?
The Financial Institutions: The Dracula’s of nowhere sucking the nation’s blood dry- The crutch of capitalism-that an inherently unstable system which periodically falls off the rails and when it does who pays? Well, the 2% who control the wealth do not. The payees are as always the inevitable underclass.
Their level of incompetence defies belief.
Take, for example, simple basic maths, Division, addition, multiplication, subtraction, for short DAMS. Well, the boys from Dams appear to have come up with a “constant” that allows their cash shortfall figures to spiral upwards on a never-ending charge of woe. Right now, it is not in their interest to stick a finger in the dam to restrain the flow. Do we take it; they do not understand simple maths or are they pulling the wool over our eyes? D.A.M.S is an acronym for a shadowy group known as the as the drawee artistic math’s society? This group of people is found in the highest echelons of business and normally operate at a level above that of the Golden circle. Figuratively speaking these people can paint any picture they wish but primarily their drawings are to their own advantage. These avaricious bastards would skim cash off the bones of a dead rat, but they will never get their fingers dirty.
The Church: This Frankenstein Monster lends solace to the fiends of banking, shares its virgin but sexually satisfied bed with both government and Bourgeoisie and in the meantime buggers the children of the poor and expects the state to pay for their criminal enjoyment and the state duly obliges.
The Political Organizations have become a collective of brain-dead zombies. Their place of residence is a mausoleum called Sinisterhouse house, which serves as the Rotten Island Parliament building.
The primary function of these humourless dead beats is looking after their own self-interest, which takes up seventy-five percent of their time.
Taking care of the interests of the financial institutions takes another twenty percent of their time.
Performing minor functions- like proposing bills to erect streetlights in the two-horse village of Ballysilly and to fill potholes in marginal electoral areas, this takes up a tiresome 5% of their time.
To be a member of this collective, no qualifications are required, but it does help if you understand the term the gravy train. Those currently in Government amply illustrate this where few ministers have any credentials whatsoever for doing there jobs.
Le Grand Dame, The sex symbol of the parliament is the leader of this group.
This entity makes bullish attempts to explain that the country’s economy is on the road to recovery, this notion relates to nothing more than his careful consideration. His only notable achievement is impoverished thinking based on the mantra; all will be well?
The entity prays fervently every day for economic miracles.
He has visions of the Sherkels and Dragi flapping their wings over the skies of Rotten Island where they shower the country with a deluge of monetary bills that astonishingly transform the country into a fictionally, financially viable sensation. He will proclaim these events to be a miracle of his own making, he will ask us to admire the quality and wonderment of his efforts. This entity has disturbed fantasies of success, which are always just around the corner.
This leader of our illustrious small nation bestows on himself the honour of being the highest paid Prime Ministers in the world with a take home check greater than any other leader. To augment his Government, he has a drone army of civil servants, who are the most highly paid in the world and ironically turn out to be the least productive. A talent that his compatible to that of their leader
He has huffed and he has puffed, but he still does not comprehend that the house is already a busted flush.
That dear citizen is Rotten Island today a golden triangle of cognasty, a three-headed dog of darkness. No figurehead to rally behind, no Orpheus to lead us out of this triangulated underworld, no Che Guevara to kick-start a revolution, no rising star to guide us into the future.
Johnny Citizen: Where does he fit in, well he is the lamb who is there to be fleeced?
He pays the bankers bills.
He pays the church bills.
He pays the Government bills.
Moreover, he will pay for anything else the ghouls will screw up now and in the future.
Why is Johnny citizen so sheepish? Short and simple, he abandoned his protectors the trade unions. His living standards improved. He suffered the illusion of getting fat and rich on an enduring monetary upward rocket. He played golf, and he had his overseas holidays to exotic places. He inflated himself with notions of self-importance.
He drinks XO brandy in his local bar and guffaws with his friends, sure wasn’t it far away from this we were raised, whilst a glow of self-satisfaction crosses his face. When foreign workers came to fill low paid jobs, he developed a xenophobic state of mind, something he understands well. Why as an immigrant youth did he not suffer xenophobia from the hands of the foreigner? Even so, he will maintain he was a worker. The assortment coming to our beloved shores nowadays is nothing but a bunch of scroungers and malingers. He will assert that the Government must put a halt to this inward flow of migrant spongers. As things fell apart in his esteemed homeland, he failed to notice that the hard-working idlers were first to leave to seek work elsewhere, which contributes to a reduced tax, take which in turn Johnny will have to make up.
What are the prospects for his children? They are in the stew pot; they are the future fodder for the controllers of capital to devour and spit out at will.
What hope can he have, not much?
However, what happens if Johnny citizen wakes up from his slumbers? If he is sharp, he will link chains of events together, he will have questions, he will want answers, and of course, he will request down to earth solutions to uncomplicated problems.
He will question why he is paying the outlandish bankers debt.
He will swiftly conclude, that the notion he should do so is preposterous.
Moreover, he will state in a loud voice.
The bankers lent money, which they did not have in the first place, to people who did not have the resources to pay it back.
This is reckless trading, which is an offence-Off to jail with them.
Better, still off with their heads
He will question how the Government of his dearly beloved fatherland could make a deal with the church of pederasts who cruelly and callously buggered the children of his native land.
He will conclude, that the concept that he should pay, is unbelievable.
In addition, he will state in a loud voice. The full rigor of the law must apply to these fiends.
The crimes of the Frankenstein church are hideous. Off to Jail with them, better still off with their heads. He will question how our Politicians and civil servants contrived to make such a mess of our cherished Republic that became the envy of many. A nation held up as a shinning example to emerging states now derided and cruelly laughed at by the nations of the world.
He has observed former double-dealing Prime ministers questioned in the dock over misdeeds, which they strenuously denied, but were even the mongrel dogs in the street knew they were lying through their teeth. He will have seen friends and cohorts of these people questioned by the law.
He will conclude, self-interest coupled with corruption was the name of their game.
He will holler –
These people failed in their duty to represent us, corruption and self-interest were rife.
Off to jail with them all, better still off with their heads.
Johnny citizen will have noticed that those who controlled the money represented less than two percent of the population. He will comprehend that the gap between those with capital and those with limited money had not narrowed at all. For the money the statues quo remains, control of capital is God.
Our citizen friend now realizes his lot is to be nothing more than to be the bonded serf of capitalism.
He comprehends with a heaviness of mind that the free market reduces everything to matters of money and thus exploitation, Direct, brutal, blatant. Our citizen is now a commodified extinction to the machines of capitalism. He is the disposable part of the equation. He will deduce, construe that once we learn how to control the monarchy of capital and production, we are then on our way to a better life. He will postulate there must be a greater division of wealth; it can no longer be the preserve of a tiny minority. Governments must control this; it must be for the benefit of the citizens? Pervasive social corruption must cease. As he reads and researchers, he begins to understand the injustices of the system as applied to the working person.
He will learn that of the world’s top 100 economies based on GDP That fifty-one of them are corporations and are not countries. He will see and understand quite quickly the dangers these people pose to the illusion of his freedom.
He will learn that corruption is rife in these companies.
He will learn that business is not ethical and decent.
He will learn that industry does not care for its workers.
He will learn that the well-being of the people is secondary to monetary gain.
He will learn that much of industry out source’s production to the cheapest labour point. He will realize his job is no more than a movable commodity.
He will learn that the result of all of this is wealth consolidation, communal stratification, labour abuse and exploitation, Tactical corruption. He will realize that he is witnessing a form of covert dictatorship by the rich.
He will learn not to trust people in the system.
He will learn that the number of poor people in the world increases daily.
He will learn that the worker’s lot is a miserable lot.
He will learn that as each day passes the national depth of our sovereign country increases, and he knows and expects further tax demands on his income. He speculates on the percentage of the nation’s resources spent on servicing the nation’s debt. He foresees disaster.
He will learn that if we get out of the current predicament that the cycle of bust and boom is likely to intensify due to the mechanisms of the banking system.
Our good friend Johnny citizen compiles endless lists, which he uses as conversation pieces when he discusses the affairs of the nation. He converses with his friends in the pubs, hotel lobbies, eateries and the fun palaces of the land. Each conversation inevitably ends with the expression, well fuck the lot of them, what can we do about it?
Our friend has at least verbally expressed himself. He is most likely fated never to play a part in altering the system but perhaps; just maybe he did plant a few acorns in heads that someday, might grow.
What happens to Johnny Citizen? Does he disappear into foggy shadows will he survive? Does anyone care?
Copyright John Foley