London – “Bloody EU scroungers are sh+++ing all over my ericaceous cultivars,” Bryanston Square baronet Major Sir Reginald Pratts-Bottom complained bitterly this morning as news of the outrage went viral; “God knows that sort of dung heap London will become when millions of these squalid johnny foreigners invade next year.”
Tramps like this are crapping all over prized London shrubs
Most of Sir Reggie’s well heeled neighbors at the beautiful, private garden square are also up in arms after some non-indigenous vagrants – believed to be Romanians – left dozens of human waste lumps all over the square’s precious azalea beds.
According to reports on UK lunchtime TV News a lack of plumbing and sanitation is no barrier to rough sleeping out in the open as long as evergreen shrubbery continues to provide a smidgen of privacy when nature calls at 4 o’clock in the morning.
Viewers were treated to scenes of ‘utter depravity’ as cameras panned in on Sir Reggie’s stunning showstoppers, glistening with telltale urine streaks on the lush, verdant foliage.
Elsewhere discarded kebab wrappers, empty White Lightning cider bottles and black plastic bin liners were strewn willy-nilly near the garden’s famous tulip bed.
And half-used toilet paper roll – overstamped ‘Property Of Westminster Council‘- was seen dangling from a hibiscus bush in a corner of the garden strewn with roll-up dog ends.
“It’s fair broken Lady P-B’s heart, this bloody outrage,” Sir Reggie confided to reporters, “not to mention the effect the stench is having on our cosy bridge evenings.
“Time to resurrect the old blunderbuss and let ’em have it where the sun don’t shine.”