St Patrick’s Day celebrations around the world are facing an uncertain future following today’s announcement by the Irish Government that it has sold the popular saint, and his associated festival day, to Germany in a desperate bid to reduce Ireland’s crippling national debt.
Saint Patrick, who has been Ireland’s national saint for over 1500 years and who is believed to be the only Irish cleric in history not to have been implicated in a child sex abuse scandal, was sold at an EU auction last night for the sum of €7.3 million, according to Taoiseach, Enda Kenny.
‘I understand that people might be upset about this, but Saint Patrick has not exactly done a lot of good for us over the years,’ said the Taoiseach. ‘Okay, so he got rid of the snakes for us, but quite frankly if it was a choice between no snakes or saving the country from being repeatedly invaded and ravaged, having half the population die in a famine and then the nation being left virtually bankrupt from a global financial crisis, then I, for one, would happily be arse-deep in anacondas right now.’
Early reports suggest that Saint Patrick will be relaunched as a new German folk character, ‘Der Leprakaun Fuhrer’, a vagabond who once ruled a faraway land which based its entire economy around transactions of magic beans which subsequently disappeared and left the country in economic ruin.
German minister, Franz Hagen, has told those who have planned St Patrick’s Day events not to worry. ‘St Patrick’s Day, or Heinzellmannchanfest as it will be called from now on, will be going ahead almost as normal this year, except that it will now be used to teach the world about the importance of efficiency and economic responsibility. As such, there will be no alcohol allowed,’ he added.
Following the success of the sale, the Irish Government is considering selling more of its national assets to further reduce its debt woes. The Netherlands have already expressed an interest in purchasing some of the Donegal mountains in an effort to make their country less flat and prone to flooding, while North Korea is said to be interested in buying County Leitrim to prove to its citizens that there are actually worse places on Earth to live. However, the Irish Government is still struggling to find a potential buyer for Bono after the U2 singer failed to reach his reserve price of nearly €5 at last night’s auction.
I suspect it is the biggest parade in the far East. All monies raised go to local charities.
See video below.
Some photos from the event.
A lady from Brazil
Young George from the Tara Court
What better way to celebrate this fine St. Patrick’s Day than to roll up a nice fatty and smoke the true green weed that represents the chronicles of Ireland. In fact, the main ingredient used to give beer its flavor is not very different from our favorite, Cannabis. Hops or Humulus lupulus are female flower clusters (dioceses flowers in fact) that when put into the right concoction of wheat, barley, etc… creates what we know today to be beer. Yes beer, the same chemical that was put through prohibition in the 1920′s and that is legal today (especially today), is almost the same exact herb as that of cannabis. If we were to look at plant divisions then hops and cannabis are a short toss apart. Both are in the Class: Magnoliopsida, the Order: Rosales, Family: Cannabaceae… so in short, we are looking at two sisters who have tremendous potentials. If only… For your pleasure though, I have placed some of the finest pictures of green in order to keep the Leprechaun’s out of your stash.
Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
Because pot holder was taken.
How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
What do you get when you eat marijuana?
A pot belly.
What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
How do you know when you have smoked enough pot?
When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
How do you know your a pothead?
You studied five days for a urine test?
In an astonishing announcement, Simon Slovenly the Minister of Muck and Water confirmed Ireland to be the lost Island of Atlantis and the Hill of Tara to be its legendary missing city. In a preamble on a special newscast to the Nation last night, he explained to his audience that his name “Simon” was of Hebrew origin. He elucidated his Christian name literally means “To Be Heard.” He, therefore, felt it was appropriate that he be the bearer of such sensational news. The work leading up to these revelations was carried out in the greatest of secrecy by members his department in conjunction with various lesser government departments, which were of little concern to him. However, the moment of revelation according to the Minister occurred at sea whilst awaiting a delivery of a consignment of giggle weed to his yacht. He believes the great God Enki came to him in a dream and told him to excavate Tara and that once finished Ireland would see prosperity return. Enki made one stipulation, and that was for the hill to be ring fenced by a network of vast roads.
He said we now have conclusive proof that Ireland is the lost Island of Atlantis. He also believes Tara to be the home of the supernatural blue stones of the Spirit Enki the opener of Star gates and bringer of enlightenment. He felt the department of Mythical lands would very shortly be able to verify the whereabouts of the stones. Archaeologists have also unearthed strong evidence to suggest that Tara is the final resting place of the Arc of the Covenant. All that stands in the way of the recovery of these treasures are the guardians of the tombs the feared Tuatha De Danaan. A team of elite Israeli negotiators specially trained in dealing with mythical beans led by Ari Flatus will shortly arrive in Ireland to help resolve the matter.
We as nation sincerely hope these stones before long will see the light of day. As of now, the government is leading its people through a Dark Age and the need for enlightenment is a perquisite to the future development of the nation.
The Minister went on to blame English shock troops acting on behalf of Rome for the demise of Tara. Following the invasion, English priests subsequently proceeded to obliterate Tara out of the History books. In addition, they then sent their agent the Welsh wizard Saint Patrick to Ireland to burn all historical records, writings, and teachings of the ancient Irish. Although the flame of the old culture waned at times, the Holy Writ of the past remained embedded in the hearts of the people. The role of St. Patrick in Irish history will need revision after these revelations. Just imagine a book burner a destroyer of culture and heritage up to the present day looked upon as the national emblem of Irishness.
The developments at the Hill of Tara will have far-ranging implications on the religious and political front not just in Ireland but right across the universe.