Father Christmas has been threatened with the removal of his monopoly in the UK present distribution market following the publication of this year’s Naughty or Nice lists, which for the fourteenth year in a row strongly suggest that the list a child gets on to is intrinsically linked to parental income and engagement.
We simply cannot go on with a situation in which the lists completely fail to represent society as a whole,’ claimed junior minister Alan Crockdale, ‘Yes, there are hidden issues, but it’s up to Santa to do much more to encourage naughty little children from working class backgrounds to seriously up their game.’
‘Where once a child had to do at least a couple of good deeds a year like make their Gran a cup of tea in order to make it onto the Nice List, nowadays it seems it’s enough if they just refrain from beating up smaller kids or don’t swear at their teacher,’ he suggested. ‘It doesn’t go nearly far enough, but of course it’s always a positive if they don’t end every sentence with ‘Or I’ll f*ckin shank ya’.’
But a spokesman for Father Christmas reacted as angrily as his brightly-coloured, festive costume would allow, saying that his organisation, North Pole Gifts Direct, wasn’t responsible for social engineering and claiming that government standards for achieving a place on the Nice List have in any case gone down significantly in recent years.
Government Ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of removing Santa’s monopoly and raiding his pension fund, which would open up the present delivery market to foreign competition including ‘Befana’, the Italian witch, or the German ‘Christkind’, who has been following developments in the UK market for a long time with a hope to extending operations here.
‘This is yet another example of the EU trying to destroy British traditions,’ claimed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. ‘The next thing we know we’ll all be forced to eat Sauerkraut for Christmas dinner and the Queen’s Speech will be given by Angela Merkel. I mean, come on. Father Christmas? You can’t get more British than that!’ he said, referring to the mythical, red-suited, white-bearded character, based on a Greek saint, modified and embraced throughout Europe, and finally embodied by an Atlanta-based company in the 1930′s to promote Coca-Cola to the American public.
The news has just broken that Santa Claus passed away in the early hours of this morning.
Santa was the beloved and well-known operator of North Pole Toys a company that was set up with seed capital from the renowned financial firm Goldi Sucks.
Santa leaves behind a loving family and a host of adoring fans. Also left behind are his legions of unpaid workers.
The funeral will take place in the North Pole Cemetery. Sponsorship for this event has gone out to tender. A date for the funeral has not yet been set.
Because of the death of Santa, Government officials around the world have declared Christmas will no longer take place. Serious rioting by Children has broken out in many cities. Authorities worldwide are trying to control the situation.
Sam Richchild the Vice President of Goldi Sucks and illegitimate son of Santa in a press released issued just two hours ago revealed that the Sucks backed, “Money Hoovers Incorporated” might step into the breach to fill the Christmas void. Governments welcomed this intervention across the globe.
A visiting Shell Oil executive who was present at the death of Santa claimed his last words were, Arctic Oil is my Gift To “Royal Dutch Shell”.
In a separate comment, the Vatican advised that they would pray for the repose of the soul of Santa but urged the faithful to understand that Mr Claus had usurped the true spirit of Christmas. The Vatican now urged the faithful to seize this opportunity to revert to the true meaning of Christmas and donate all their seasonal monies as a Christmas gift to the Vatican
Meanwhile childish riots continue to break out. The Dali Lama says children in Tibet must be armed to save the undeclared Buddhist Christmas holiday from Chinese persecution. Despite contravening international law the USA and its allies will consider giving aid to the Dali Lula and his followers.
For one reason or another, Santa Claus (or a masturbating lunatic dressed as Santa Claus) has decided to scuttle down our chimneys like a sleigh-riding murder goblin and stab us all to death this holiday season, instead of doing the whole “presents and whimsical obesity” thing we’ve gotten used to. Maybe it’s a subtle indictment of the commercialization of Christmas. But probably it’s because drunken fraternity sociopaths and/or irony-worshiping hipsters cannot resist renting DVDs that looks like these:
via Santa Claus Slays.
For some of us, the holidays generate a nostalgia for Jewxploitation, and we’ve despaired that we’d never see The Hebrew Hammer again. Fortunately, there is some holiday cheer in the news: The Hammer may be back. But it is not yet time to fully rejoice. The Jewish superhero will return, provided that filmmaker Jonathan Kesselman manages to raise enough money through crowdsourcing to fund production of a sequel to his 2003 cult hit.
Kesselman has launched a Jewcer campaign in hopes of bringing the “certified circumcised dick” back to battle an enemy far more evil than Andy Dick’s depraved son of Santa Claus. This time it will be “The Hebrew Hammer vs. Hitler,” a movie that the filmmaker likens to “History of the World Part 1” crossed with “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”
The narrative is a Jewish history lesson… of sorts. The Hebrew Hammer, now 10 years older, consulting to the Jewish Justice League and selling trees in Israel, has been sidelined. Another Jewish superhero, a hipster named The Jewish Semiticman, has stolen the spotlight, but when he is sent back in a time sukkah to kill Hitler and things go awry, the Hebrew Hammer comes to the rescue. Hitler has hijacked the time sukkah, travelling though time rewriting Jewish history, and the Hebrew Hammer and his buddy Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim have to chase him down, stop him, and save the Jewish people.
It is not clear from the material on Kesselman’s Jewcer page whether he has any commitments from the original cast members that they will return for the sequel. It’s hard to imagine a Hebrew Hammer movie without Adam Goldberg, Judy Greer, and Mario Van Peebles.
Kesselman tells his potential financial backers that, despite the success of the first film, he needs to go outside of Hollywood to make this new project happen. The Tinseltown studios weren’t into Jewxpoloitation the first time, and they don’t seem to be this time around, either. “If like me, you love smart yet silly satire that is an equal opportunity offender, please help me make this a reality,” he requests.
Perhaps all the Hebrew Hammer fans out there will make Kesselman’s holiday wishes come true.
Mr Christmas is the seventh person to be questioned as part of Operation Yewtree.
The news has come as a shock to the public who are still reeling from allegations made against Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and 3-2-1′s Dusty Bin.
“It seems that every day there are new developments,” said 42 year-old Karl Newman from Chepstow.
“These people form part of my childhood memories, so to find out that they have been noncing it up is quite shocking.”
“I remember sitting on Santa’s knee on several occasions when I was a child, and him telling me he would empty out the contents of his sack in my bedroom if I was a good boy now sends a shiver down my spine.”
37 year-old Melanie Carter also recalled some of the things Mr Christmas had said to her when she visited him at the Pentagon Shopping Centre in Chatham in 1980.
“I remember commenting on his outfit and he said that if I wanted I could stroke his furry rim.”
“I’d also been worried that he wouldn’t be able to deliver presents to my house because I don’t have a chimney.”
“He said that it wasn’t a problem because he liked to enter by the back door anyway.”
“He also reassured me that the doll’s house I wanted wasn’t a problem and that the elves would have no problem knocking one out.”
Years ago I watched the DVD of ” The God Who Wasn’t There. “. It’s a short documentary on one persons quest for the truth and origins of Christianity. In it, Brian Flemming talks about his own experience with being raised a fundamentalist christian, and how he thought it effected him. More then that, he talks about the origin of the bible and where Christianity originated. In the movie, Flemming asks several Christians some simple questions. Who is Jesus ? How did the early church form ? Had they ever heard of Mithra, or Osiris ?
Guess which two they couldn’t answer ?
In my experience with Christians, most don’t understand or even know of the history of their faith. In fact, as Brian points out in his movie, knowledge isn’t something that’s encouraged in Christianity. To the point, it’s discouraged. He points out that the only unforgivable sin in the New Testament, is the denial on the Holy Ghost. So that means, if you ask yourself, if there is a god, and you come to the conclusion that there isn’t, then you have denied the Holy Ghost, and have committed the only unforgivable sin there is. If you don’t believe, you’re going to hell, or you wont be able to be with your family forever, or whatever the punishment is for your particular brand of Christianity. You will be punished if you think the wrong thoughts. In other words, it’s discouraged.
When my daughter was little, about 7 years old we celebrated Christmas eve, with my wife’s side of the family at a get together at her grandmothers house, to exchange gifts, sit, talk and eat together. Just like millions of other families out there. I, for the past 6 years, have not attended these gatherings. ( I’ll explain why in another post, suffice it to say, it’s not an important point to this article. ) This year, my wife had to work late, so her mother wanted our 6 year old daughter, to spend the day with her, and go to grandmothers early that afternoon. I dropped the wife off around 6pm, and went to finnish up last minute grocery shopping. At the end of the evening, after my wife and our child had been dropped off at home, her mother called and wanted to share an ” incident ” involving our daughter. It seems that when all of the kids were together, and my daughter was asked ” Are you excited about Santa Clause coming ? ” she replied, ” No. There is no Santa Clause. “. The kids became angry, which, I can understand. However the adults became angry as well. This lead my daughter to be ostracized for the rest of the evening, not only by her peers, but by the adults as well. They couldn’t believe that we’ve never lied to our daughter, they couldn’t believe that we didn’t teach her that Santa was real.
In other words, they were mad because we taught her to deny Santa Clause. The knowledge that Santa doesn’t exist, was discouraged. It was an unforgivable sin.
Did I mention everyone on my wife’s side of the family are Christian ?