Father Christmas has been threatened with the removal of his monopoly in the UK present distribution market following the publication of this year’s Naughty or Nice lists, which for the fourteenth year in a row strongly suggest that the list a child gets on to is intrinsically linked to parental income and engagement.
We simply cannot go on with a situation in which the lists completely fail to represent society as a whole,’ claimed junior minister Alan Crockdale, ‘Yes, there are hidden issues, but it’s up to Santa to do much more to encourage naughty little children from working class backgrounds to seriously up their game.’
‘Where once a child had to do at least a couple of good deeds a year like make their Gran a cup of tea in order to make it onto the Nice List, nowadays it seems it’s enough if they just refrain from beating up smaller kids or don’t swear at their teacher,’ he suggested. ‘It doesn’t go nearly far enough, but of course it’s always a positive if they don’t end every sentence with ‘Or I’ll f*ckin shank ya’.’
But a spokesman for Father Christmas reacted as angrily as his brightly-coloured, festive costume would allow, saying that his organisation, North Pole Gifts Direct, wasn’t responsible for social engineering and claiming that government standards for achieving a place on the Nice List have in any case gone down significantly in recent years.
Government Ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of removing Santa’s monopoly and raiding his pension fund, which would open up the present delivery market to foreign competition including ‘Befana’, the Italian witch, or the German ‘Christkind’, who has been following developments in the UK market for a long time with a hope to extending operations here.
‘This is yet another example of the EU trying to destroy British traditions,’ claimed Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. ‘The next thing we know we’ll all be forced to eat Sauerkraut for Christmas dinner and the Queen’s Speech will be given by Angela Merkel. I mean, come on. Father Christmas? You can’t get more British than that!’ he said, referring to the mythical, red-suited, white-bearded character, based on a Greek saint, modified and embraced throughout Europe, and finally embodied by an Atlanta-based company in the 1930′s to promote Coca-Cola to the American public.
The news has just broken that Santa Claus passed away in the early hours of this morning.
Santa was the beloved and well-known operator of North Pole Toys a company that was set up with seed capital from the renowned financial firm Goldi Sucks.
Santa leaves behind a loving family and a host of adoring fans. Also left behind are his legions of unpaid workers.
The funeral will take place in the North Pole Cemetery. Sponsorship for this event has gone out to tender. A date for the funeral has not yet been set.
Because of the death of Santa, Government officials around the world have declared Christmas will no longer take place. Serious rioting by Children has broken out in many cities. Authorities worldwide are trying to control the situation.
Sam Richchild the Vice President of Goldi Sucks and illegitimate son of Santa in a press released issued just two hours ago revealed that the Sucks backed, “Money Hoovers Incorporated” might step into the breach to fill the Christmas void. Governments welcomed this intervention across the globe.
A visiting Shell Oil executive who was present at the death of Santa claimed his last words were, Arctic Oil is my Gift To “Royal Dutch Shell”.
In a separate comment, the Vatican advised that they would pray for the repose of the soul of Santa but urged the faithful to understand that Mr Claus had usurped the true spirit of Christmas. The Vatican now urged the faithful to seize this opportunity to revert to the true meaning of Christmas and donate all their seasonal monies as a Christmas gift to the Vatican
Meanwhile childish riots continue to break out. The Dali Lama says children in Tibet must be armed to save the undeclared Buddhist Christmas holiday from Chinese persecution. Despite contravening international law the USA and its allies will consider giving aid to the Dali Lula and his followers.