― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over.
The omnipresent supreme being, God, has expressed his disappointment after the European Court refused to overturn a ruling preventing him from casting out the senior radical anticleric Lucifer, commonly known as Satan, from Heaven.
The decision overturns God’s ruling that Satan should be cast down from Heaven and forced to spend the rest of eternity in Hell as punishment for his sins, fiery anti-Western rhetoric, and general naughtiness.
God has been pursuing extradition for two years, but now says He has been ‘thwarted by undemocratic Brussels red tape’ yet again.
The Heavenly court ruling confirms the legal position that Satan might come to harm if he were to be sent to Hell, there have been reports of many burnings, whippings, pokings in the bottom with hot forks by devils, and ironic punishments, all of which could be classified as torture.
God has vowed not to give up, however, and is understood to be considering a range of options including suspension of the Ten Commandments to allow Satan’s immediate deportation, and negotiating a treaty confirming that Hell is actually a lovely part of the cosmos completely opposed to the use of torture. ‘Being eternal, I can wait for a thousand million years on this one,’ God said. ‘By which time either the European Court will side with me, or everyone will have forgotten all about Lucifer anyway and will agree that I was probably just moving in mysterious ways (e.g. right about this) all along’.
“Hippies and flower children of the 60′s would always describe one sick beat of any nature as being “Groovy” or “Far out”. We feel the same way. It doesn’t matter if it’s guitar, bass, violin, piano, ukulele, anything! This is the beats that intoxicate our brains, blow our minds, and really send us …well… Far out man.”
People have been consuming weed since the beginning of time, and we do not plan on stopping any time soon. Who is to say that Jesus did not smoke weed? IF anything, it is much more likely that he toked up than not. Besides, advocating for peace and the elation of the pauper is much easier when mellowed out
Can Satan be held legally responsible for his actions?
Devil Breaks Contract, Man Sues.” Sounds like one of those fictional frivolous lawsuits that tort reform advocates feed journalists, right? Except in 1971 an individual really did bring a lawsuit against Satan—on behalf of himself and all others similarly situated—alleging that, “Satan and his servants [had] placed deliberate obstacles in plaintiff’s path . . . and on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery.” The case was United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan And His Staff (54 F.R.D. 282), heard in the United States District Court for the western district of Pennsylvania.
Mr. Mayo, in his complaint, alleged that “Satan caused [his] downfall,” and “…deprived him of his constitutional rights.” Considering his personal circumstances (he was broke and in prison), Mayo may have been sincere. This also explains why he was seeking to proceed in forma pauperis (asking for a waiver of court fees and appointment of counsel).
Nevertheless, the judge denied Mayo’s request to waive the fees and go forward with the case, stating: “The court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted….” In other words, even if Mayo could prove that his civil rights had been infringed, what exactly could the court do about it?
The judge also had a more immediate concern, noting that Mayo “failed to include with his complaint the required . . . instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.” Translation: Since the plaintiff was unable to provide Satan’s home or business address there was no way to serve the Prince of Darkness with the lawsuit.
Finally, the court considered whether the suit could be maintained as a class action. Here the judge couldn’t resist disparaging Mayo, concluding, “We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class . . . ” so “. . . we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed.”
Regardless, the Devil would never have allowed this case to proceed to trial, owing to his inability to get a fair and impartial hearing. Upon entering the courtroom and seeing the words “In God We Trust” emblazoned above the judge’s head, Satan might have considered a motion for change of venue. But knowing the Devil’s disposition it’s clear he would have preferred to negotiate a settlement. One imagines him turning to his attorney and whispering the following instruction: “Let’s make a deal.”
Read more: http://failuremag.com/feature/article/devils_advocate/#ixzz2L8sDaNTj
The Pope said it would be ‘interesting to work with so many homosexuals’
Joseph Ratzinger handed in his 30 days’ notice to God, telling a surprised deity that he would be taking up a key role with His arch-rival.
He said: “Poping has been great fun and over the last eight years I have met a lot very strange people with some fascinating secrets.
“This isn’t about money, it’s about the creative challenge. I’ll be using my understanding of dogma to create a manifesto for a great new sin-based brand.
“Satan runs a fun, hip organisation – he’s like the Google of worship. There’ll be chilled out brainstorming sessions and loads of muffins.
“Also, I hate hymns, so it’ll be great to organise services where we listen to Cradle of Filth.
“And it will be nice to finally work for a company where I can say, ‘yeah, we’re supposed to do stuff like that’.”
He added: “Thanks to all the priests and nuns, I hope we stay in touch. Thanks to God – I couldn’t have done it without You. And of course, thanks to Tony and Cherie – you guys are mental!”
Satan said: “The Hitler Youth and the Vatican. I should be working for him.”
Dear American Taxpayers:
In 2008, you paid for a bailout of A.I.G. totalling $182 billion. Today, we are writing to tell you that we’re thinking of suing you.
When we made this decision, we knew we were in for some rough treatment from the media. We’ve been called everything from soulless bloodsuckers to Satan’s scabrous handmaidens, and worse. At A.I.G., though, we have a different name for ourselves: true American heroes.
You see, by suing the same people who bailed out our asses just five years ago, we are standing up for one of the most precious American rights of all: the right to sue someone who has just saved your life.
Let’s say that you’re trapped in a burning building and a fireman pulls you out to safety. Once you’re out of the fire, though, you notice that the fireman carelessly ripped the lapel of your Armani jacket. Shouldn’t you be able to sue the fireman for the full cost of its replacement?
Or let’s say you’re drowning in the ocean. A lifeguard dives in, pulls you back onto the shore, and administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Aren’t you entitled to take appropriate action—i.e., sue him for sexual harassment?
By suing you, we are standing up for the right of every other American who might, through no fault of his own, have his life saved and want to sue the person who saved him for millions of dollars. And that’s why we’re asking for your help today.
Lawsuits aren’t cheap. They require highly paid lawyers, who rack up millions in legal fees, not to mention first-class airfare, hotels, and sumptuous gourmet meals—hardly the kind of expense that we at A.I.G. can afford.
That’s why we’d like you to pay for it.
You may think we’re expecting a lot, asking you for the money necessary for us to sue you. But, remember, there’s a bigger principle at stake, and someday, if you’re pulled from a burning building or an ocean, you’ll be glad you stood with us today.
Oh, and as for our ad campaign, “Thank you, America”? We’re sticking with that, just changing the first word.
See you in court,
Your friends at A.I.G.
Tomorrow: Can you Trust big Business? Practicing the most stark acts of corporate inhumanity -Pharmaceutical Giants
Sometimes, mere yikes don’t do a thing justice.