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Supreme Court to rule on eating shellfish


THE US Supreme Court is debating whether America should follow Biblical laws on eating shellfish.

Right or wrong?

The ban on ‘whatever is in the seas and waters that does not have fins or scales’ is passionately supported by conservatives.

However it faces opposition from Americans who experimented with shellfish in their youth, or have relatives or friends who have eaten shrimp.

Meanwhile, Republicans are accused of making political capital by fomenting hatred against so-called ‘Godless big-city mollusc-munchers’.

Norman Steele, from Dallas, said: “The Lord had it right, these are detestable things. Like it says on my t-shirt, flag and car – GOD HATES CRABS.”

But Tom Booker, from Pasadena, said: “We’re not forcing anyone to do anything they don’t want to. Why can’t you enjoy your chicken just because I’m lustily devouring a big shiny red lobster?”

Nikki Hollis, from Chicago, added: “If my friends and I want to munch on a juicy oyster, that’s what we’re going to do.

“These small-minded people are just losing their shit because secretly they want to feast on bivalves.”

The pro-shellfish lobby has accused their opponents of ignoring other verses of Leviticus which prohibit tattoos, wearing garments of mixed fabric, and homosexuality.

Norman Steele said: “Shit, I don’t care if a couple o’ dudes want to ride each other’s assholes all night – ain’t none of my beeswax. Long as they ain’t eatin’ no scallops at the same time.”

via Supreme Court to rule on eating shellfish.

via Supreme Court to rule on eating shellfish.

Scientists discover crabs can swear


It’s fucking freezing in here

CRABS are capable of verbalising obscenities, it has emerged.

Researchers into whether crustaceans can feel pain discovered that if you listen carefully when dropping them into very hot water you can hear a stream of filth.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We attached a waterproof microphone to a brown crab then chucked it into a pot.

“It was clearly saying ‘fucking hell’, ‘shit the fucking sea bed’ and ‘my frigging exoskeleton’s on fucking fire’.

“As you can imagine, it was a great moment for science as we sat listening to the tiny, chittery voice saying ‘I’ll fucking get you for this, you monkey bastards’ over the lab speakers.”

Further research revealed that crabs swear all the time, not just when they are being boiled alive.

Professor Brubaker said: “Although they do use the word ‘fuck’ crabs don’t have penises, so instead crab swearing refers to reproductive organs called gonopods.

“A crab that is arguing with a rival will typically say, ‘Suck my gonopods, gono-face’ or ‘Go claw yourself’.

“They are fascinating creatures.”

via Scientists discover crabs can swear.

via Scientists discover crabs can swear.

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