The Prime Minister is expected to outline plans today for online pornography to be made available only in homes that ‘opt-in’ to such content, seemingly unaware that everyone has already done so.
Internet user Simon Williams told us, “The moment I hear there was a plan for opt-in, I put my hand in the air. Not that one, that one was busy.”
“If the government is somehow under the impression that this nation’s secret perverts will too ashamed to opt-in to get access to their porn fix, then they are sorely mistaken.”
“If I could double opt-in to get access to the really good stuff, I would.”
Porn filter opt-in
The government has spoken of its disappointment at the 100% opt-in rate, explaining they thought there might be one or two homes that chose not to.
A spokesperson explained, “The mistake we have made is underestimating how thoroughly depraved the general public is, and how tedious masturbation can actually be without access to a myriad of online filth.”
Online decency campaigner Sheila Matthews said, “This new government plan is important because it will keep the minds of our young people pure, and we need to protect the most vulnerable in society from materials that could corrupt their young minds.”
“Yes, my husband has already opted in, but that’s not the point.”
The College of Emergency Medicine claimed that unless something changes, A&E departments will soon be overrun by morons suffering with entirely preventable injuries.
A spokesperson explained, “We can handle broken limbs, falls, heart attacks and even the odd elderly tumble.”
“What we can’t handle is your pissed mate thinking he can jump over a moving car, or wondering whether the shampoo bottle would fit up his arse.”
“Some sort of IQ test before we let them in would be ideal, but possibly a bit impractical.”
“Maybe it would just be easier to hide the A&E department where stupid people would never go, like the library?”
A&E departments under pressure
Medical experts have said moving the A&E department where stupid people can’t find it would have a number of other benefits, beyond relieving pressure on overworked doctors and nurses.
Consultant Simon Williams told us, “This has the added benefit of weeding out the mentally weak, who might not survive whatever ridiculous self-inflicted injury they’ve suffered – and therefore help the rest of society indirectly.”
“Imagine a world where people who would put a light bulb up their arse don’t exist – this move could make that world a reality.”
Asda have urged anyone who has purchased any Smart Price corned beef to return it to the point of purchase, but with tins being sold for as little £1.54, partygoers are reportedly getting ‘completely sandwiched’.
Police have already carried out a number of raids and seized tinned meats with a street value of £12.47.
Asda spokesman Simon Williams said: “Asda customers who have been taking corned beef laced with phenylbutazone can experience serious side effects, such as an irresistible urge to dance and a feeling of oneness with everything.
“We strongly advise customers who have bought the 340g tins not to put on an old school mix tape and give it up to the DJ.”
Asda’s Class A corned beef
The Midlands store, meanwhile, has come under pressure to install a special chill-out lounge next to the tinned foods aisle.
Last night fears were growing that the product has reached the wider population after a pensioner in West Dulwich had a transcendental experience when querying a bill.
Williams meanwhile denied that he himself had been affected.
“I only ingested a very small amount, certainly not enough to affect my ability to do my job.”
He added, “I wanna see everyone in the house say yeah!”
Other supermarkets are also set to issue product recalls after reports surfaced of youths attempting to smoke corned beef hash through a bong.
What does this man care about his fellow man it would seem not a lot
“Budgets are obviously very tight at the moment, but if the choice is between a $1.4m cruise missile or putting food on the table for the unemployed then that’s really no choice at all is it.”
“For a start unemployed people don’t make big explosions or, or use state of the art guidance systems.”
“I’ve suggest to the prime minister that we stop giving money to fat people, and in return the MoD gets to keep buying nice shiny bullets to replace all the ones we fire at foreigners.”
“He’s thinking about it.”
Hammond on MoD cuts
Unemployed Simon Williams feels some sympathy for the defence secretary, admitting he probably has a point.
“I look at the house and my two young kids and I think if they cut income support a little more we could maybe paint a few tanks.”
“I mean really, how warm does a family home really have to be? Surely anything above freezing will be OK, right?”
The successful throw took place just outside Pyongyang, and marks a significant turn around in the fortunes of a country that struggles to put food on the table.
The Korean Central News Agency issued a statement, saying, “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un today ascended a device to the heavens in honour of the Great Comrade Kim Il Sung – the Eternal Leader of our party and people.”
“Using only his bare hands His Supremefulness struck fear into the decadent West with a display of raw physicality unknown to those outside the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea.”
“Now check out the ‘gun show’.”
North Korean Satellite
Western analysts have case doubt upon the claims, insisting it currently looks like North Korea put a bath tub in orbit.
Norad spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “The boy looks like he enjoys a doughnut or three, so he’d have a bit of weight to put behind any throw, but it’s essentially impossible.”
The KCNA had the final word, telling rapt viewers of the national television station, “Barack Obama throws basketballs, but the Supreme Leader throws class C communication satellites. Who is better now, hmm?”