Still wonderfully relaxing, plus you don’t die horribly
Quantum Fags were developed by scientists who believe passionately that cigarettes were killing the wrong people, as non-smokers are generally more annoying.
They developed nicotine particles that can exist simultaneously in two places at once.
The pleasure-giving chemicals remaining within the smokers’ lungs while the deadly stuff teleports into the nearest non-smoker, making them cough terribly.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Someone who hasn’t smoked their whole life, and more to the point wouldn’t hesitate to tell you about it, will find themselves wheezing like a dinner lady.
“Thus society can remove its priggish killjoys by furiously smoking them to death whilst having a bloody good time in the process.”
Smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I have always felt it was unfair that smoking kills you. Much better that a total stranger should die.
“Will their fingers turn yellow? That would be really clever.”