Coffee that can be injected, snorted or put up your arse will soon be available on the high street.
Coffee designer Tom Logan said: “Our society’s caffeine tolerance has reached a point where traditional ‘drinking’ coffee is no longer effective. By the time it’s been absorbed through your stomach wall, you’ve lost a lot of that ‘kick’.”
“Research shows consumers are increasingly open to taking coffee anally. Also via the eyes.
“We’ve developed a special ‘Eye-a-cino’ that you administer under your eyelids with a pipette. The caffeine starts to work instantly and the permanent ocular damage is offset by a competitive edge in meetings.
“We’re also working on ‘Captain’s Blend’ suppositories but our marketing team says its hard to make putting things up your bum seem aspirational.”
Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “I’ve taken to crushing coffee beans and snorting them off a pen lid but the pain is quite intense, you have to stagger around holding your face and thumping the wall.
“It does sort you out though.”
Company director Stephen Malley said: “Even making deliberate paper cuts and rubbing coffee into them can’t keep me alert. Now I have to pay a ‘personal assassin’ to constantly to try to kill me throughout the working day.
“He hides under desks with a straight razor, always ready to pounce.”
‘Unlike Starbucks, Prince Charles doesn’t have to create some complex network of overseas companies and offices. He simply insists that he shouldn’t have to pay and hides behind his very own onshore tax haven.’
THE heir to the British throne has been reported to British tax inspectors by campaign group Republic for what has been dubbed “a well entrenched tax avoidance scheme” by his Duchy of Cornwall property empire that beats Starbucks for its audacity.
Following an investigation by Republic into the Duchy, the group has questioned why the property empire pays no corporation tax on its multi-million pound profits, which are paid directly to Charles every year.
Charles has avoided corporation tax by claiming that there is no legal distinction between him and his Duchy and that he already pays income tax. However, as reported in Saturday’s Guardian newspaper, an information rights tribunal recently ruled that the Duchy is a separate legal entity.
In his letter to the Britain’s tax authorities, HMRC, Republic Chief Executive Graham Smith said:
“In any other corporation, shareholders, owners and employees must pay income tax while their company pays corporation tax. The company is deemed a separate legal entity which has its own tax obligations.
“As with Starbucks and Google, there is a moral obligation to pay a fair rate of tax.
“Unlike Starbucks, Prince Charles doesn’t have to create some complex network of overseas companies and offices. He simply insists that he shouldn’t have to pay and hides behind his very own onshore tax haven.”
“The Duchy clearly operates as a separate legal entity. It is only in his possession for as long as he is heir to the throne or as long as parliament allows it.
“The test is simple: if it quacks like a duck it’s a duck. The Duchy operates as a separate corporate entity yet pays zero corporation tax.
“For Charles the Duchy operates as his own personal tax haven, depriving the public coffers of millions of pounds – money that could be spent on public services. At a time when the country is under unprecedented economic stress it is unacceptable that the heir to the throne is avoiding his tax obligations in this way.
“We are taking this action as part of a renewed campaign to challenge Charles’s lobbying, interference and abuse of public funds. He must be taken to task over his questionable tax arrangements.
“The Government’s acquiescence in this matter raises serious questions in light of the secret access Charles has to ministers.
“Charles doesn’t ‘earn’ the profit from the Duchy, it isn’t money made as the result of his own hard work. And the Duchy cannot claim, as the big corporations do, that it offers a net benefit to the economy. The Duchy is simply a cash cow for the prince and the prince is clearly set on minimising his tax contributions