The latest scandal is less grisly, but equally bizarre. On July 1st the IOR’s director, Paolo Cipriani, and his deputy, Massimo Tulli, resigned three days after the Italian authorities arrested and jailed aVatican cleric, Monsignor Nunzio Scarano. He …
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VATICAN CITY — The Vatican posted a 2.2 million euro ($2.85 million) budget surplus for 2012, an improvement from the previous year and some good news as it struggles to cope with a scandalinvolving its embattled bank. In its annual financial …
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… and deposition testimony from Cardinal and Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan, who during his time of Milwaukee’s archbishop between 2002 and 2009 appealed to the the Vatican on numerous occasions to help address the fallout from the scandal.
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Vatican financial watchdog now part of network
Malta Independent Online
Nonetheless, the Vatican is reeling under a spate of scandals, including one in which a Vaticanaccountant is jailed in Rome while prosecutors probe an alleged plot to smuggle 20 million euros ($26 million) in cash in a private plane from Switzerland …
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The new Pope, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been charming the media and public alike with his easy-going approachable manner and simple lifestyle, but this same absence of bloated pomp and crazed hubris is allegedly ‘wearing bloody thin’ among his colleagues at the Vatican’
‘It was all a bit of a novelty at first,’ admitted Cardinal Sergio Venturi, dripping in signet rings and flanked on either side by the Swiss Guard. ‘The first thing he did when he was elected was to get an OAP pass for the municipal pool. We all thought it was rather sweet in a third world kind of way.’
‘But it gets to you after a while; we had the Dalai Lama over last week and where did His Holiness want to hold a banquet in his honour? Only ‘Il Harvestore’ again! There I was, having to explain to Tibetan Buddhism’s supreme spiritual leader about the concept of an unlimited salad bar.’
‘And if your esteemed guest wishes to visit the Ice Cream Factory for afters, order yourself a bloody crème brulee; don’t just sit there nodding benignly while the fourteenth incarnation of the Bodhisattva picks off his marshmallows.’
Another Vatican insider who wished not to be identified went even further: ‘The Holy Roman Church has a long tradition of sickening excess and sociopathic power-brokering. We have toppled whole kingdoms on a single Pontiff’s whim. Anything that stood in our way we crushed under our heel. Il Papa has got this glorious heritage and basically he’s pissing it up a wall. Ungrateful, or what?’
The Head of the Worldwide Catholic Church – or ‘Acting Chairperson’ as His Holiness has taken to calling himself – was unavailable for comment at time of going to press. He was said to be ‘lending a hand with an ecumenical Meals on Wheels service. Or something equally crap.’
According to Tibetologist Melvyn Goldstein, the Tibetan system under the Dalai Lama met all the requirements of feudalism, under which:
1.) Serfs inherited their social position.
2.) A serf, unlike a slave had rights and possessed but did not own productive resources (land).
3.) The lord had the legal right to command his serfs, including judicial authority over him or her.
There is a mountain of historical data showing that in pre-1950 Tibet, aristocratic lamas and secular landowners controlled the vast majority of the country’s resources, while the rest of the country lived in poverty and were often subjected to torture, otherwise known as judicial mutilation. There’s a good article in the Guardian on this very subject. What we don’t hear about Tibet
As for the Dalai Lama himself, he was more like a monarch of a theocratic system and the only difference between him and other monarchs is that the monarchy was not hereditary but based on religious ritual. So it’s more like if the Pope were to rule an entire country rather than just Vatican City.
So in short, the Dalai Lama isn’t exactly this saintly holy man like many in the West think. At best he’s just an exiled leader who wants his power back and at worst, he’s a tool of the West backed by the National Endowment for Democracy, which itself is funded by the CIA. Whether that has any bearing on the Tibetan people‘s right to self determination is a different matter entirely.
VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Emeritus Benedict’s return to the Vatican began on a sour note today as the current Pope, Francis, reprimanded him for rolling his eyes sarcastically during meetings, observers said.
The trouble started when the former Pope showed up at a meeting Francis scheduled to discuss plans for his Christmas mass, a meeting that “Benedict wasn’t even invited to,” a Vatican source said.
“It was awkward,” the source said. “Francis started talking about making an appeal to the world’s poor, and then Benedict started sighing in this really loud and obnoxious way.”
After about ten minutes of suffering through Benedict’s sighing and eye-rolling, Francis “totally called him out on it,” the source said, adding, “What Benedict was doing was totally disrespectful. Plus, he is supposed to be retired, so he shouldn’t have been wearing his Pope costume.”
Reached at his apartment at the Vatican, Benedict downplayed the incident, saying he “was just trying to be helpful.”
“Look, Francis is insecure—I get that,” he said. “He’s new at being Pope and it’s not surprising that he’s making so many mistakes. Once he checks his ego at the door, I think he’ll thank his lucky stars that old Benedict is around to back him up.”
Sources said that Benedict ignited tensions upon his return to Vatican City earlier this week when he posted a sign outside his residence reading “Home of the Original Pope.”
According to confidential sources within the Vatican Curia, Pope Francis has served an eviction notice on Pope Emeritus Benedict. The former pope has one week from Easter Sunday to vacate Castel Gandolfo or answer to the Italian courts.
The action by Pope Francis has taken the Vatican by complete surprise given his well-known humility and charity for all. However, it has been revealed that since Benedict retired, he has piled up enormous bills at Castel Gandolfo — all at Francis’ expense.
Attempts to interview the erstwhile pontiff have been unsuccessful, since he has been spotted “tooling” around the Alban Hills in a 300,000 Euro Maserati Gran Turismo Sport.
VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) — Here are the leading candidates to replace Pope Benedict XVI, arranged in random order, unless you don’t believe in random, in which case the first guy is the next pope. Obviously.
COUNTRY – Ghana
CURRENT JOB — President of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace
PROS – Would be first black African pope; could finally have first cool pope name (T. Pope X?); racist Italian soccer fans will at least have to end offensive chants with, “…with the exception of His Holiness the Pope.”
CONS – Donald Trump will demand to see his ordination certificate.
CHANCES – World not ready as neither Danny Glover nor Morgan Freeman has paved the way by playing a black Pope in a movie.
CARDINAL Marc Ouellet, 68
COUNTRY – Canada
CURRENT JOB — Prefect of the Congregation for Bishops.
PROS — Although Canadian, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “North American Pope.”; would also be our “politest” pope.
CONS — Born in La Motte, Quebec, Ouellet would come from the coldest climate of any Pope in history; supplicants’ lips may get stuck while kissing papal ring.
CHANCES: Slim. Canadians not strongly religious; most only believe in God because they worry it’s rude not to.
CARDINAL Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, 70
COUNTRY – Honduras
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Tegucigalpa
PROS – Has openly criticized Ricky Martin, doesn’t matter for what; past anti-Semitic remarks will make for smooth transition from current Hitler Youth pope; although from Honduras, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “Central and North American Pope.”
CONS – When he visits U.S., Congressional leaders will give him gardening tools and tell him to “get to work” out of habit.
CHANCES: Probably not. At 70, he is much too young to be pope.
CARDINAL Angelo Scola, 71
COUNTRY – Italy
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Milan.
PROS – Locally grown pope would have smaller carbon footprint; being Italian, would better understand corruption.
CONS – and perfect it.
CHANCES – Scola tics every box: he’s old, Italian, and has strongly denounced contraception, feminism and homosexuality. If cardinals wore panties they’d be throwing them at him.
CARDINAL Timothy Dolan, 63
COUNTRY – U.S.
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of New York
PROS – Face already papal red; after two hurricanes and a blizzard in last 18 months, best chance New York has of convincing God to give it a rest.
CONS – Born in Missouri, the “Show Me” state; “Show Me” not usually something you want to hear from a priest.
CHANCES: None. The Vatican thinks a pope from a “superpower” is too threatening, especially since popes wear a missile silo on their heads.
CARDINAL Odilo Pedro Scherer, 63
COUNTRY – Brazil
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of São Paulo
PROS — With a Brazilian, could be first pope to look decent in a bikini.
CONS – Rumor that he only wants to become pope to lose the name ‘Odilo.’
CHANCES – Scherer’s Facebook fan page only has 10 “Likes.” Cardinal Dolan’s Facebook fan page has 21,374 Likes. You do the math.
Schonborn (L) and Hurt (R). Or the other way around.
CARDINAL Christoph Schonborn, 67, or actor William Hurt, 62
COUNTRY – Austria or Washington, D.C.
CURRENT JOB — Schonborn is Archbishop of Vienna while William Hurt has signed up for the TV Series “Bonnie and Clyde” on Lifetime.
PROS – Would help heal the schism between the Church and Hollywood.
CONS – Schonborn was once accused of covering up abuse; Hurt starred in the movie “Lost in Space,” which is almost as bad.
CHANCES – Depends on how many in the College of Cardinals saw “Lost in Space.”
CARDINAL Luis Antonio Tagle, 55
COUNTRY – Philippines
CURRENT JOB – The “diminutive” Archbishop of Manila.
PROS – Little fella would be the youngest pope in more than 200 years.
CONS – Having Dwarf pope may damage tenuous Catholic-Elf relations.
CHANCES – His Facebook fan page has 116,000 Likes. We may have a winner!
via PAPAL FRONTRUNNERS EXPOSED (not like that) | SatireWire | dot.com.edy.
The Pope said it would be ‘interesting to work with so many homosexuals’
Joseph Ratzinger handed in his 30 days’ notice to God, telling a surprised deity that he would be taking up a key role with His arch-rival.
He said: “Poping has been great fun and over the last eight years I have met a lot very strange people with some fascinating secrets.
“This isn’t about money, it’s about the creative challenge. I’ll be using my understanding of dogma to create a manifesto for a great new sin-based brand.
“Satan runs a fun, hip organisation – he’s like the Google of worship. There’ll be chilled out brainstorming sessions and loads of muffins.
“Also, I hate hymns, so it’ll be great to organise services where we listen to Cradle of Filth.
“And it will be nice to finally work for a company where I can say, ‘yeah, we’re supposed to do stuff like that’.”
He added: “Thanks to all the priests and nuns, I hope we stay in touch. Thanks to God – I couldn’t have done it without You. And of course, thanks to Tony and Cherie – you guys are mental!”
Satan said: “The Hitler Youth and the Vatican. I should be working for him.”
The church had hoped that previous cover-ups had done enough to see it’s reputation remain intact, but is admitting defeat and will close it’s doors for the final time on Sunday.
The closure will see an end to a two-thousand year old institution, which insiders hope will be remembered for it’s few good years rather than the couple of thousand pretty awful ones.
One former Catholic told us, “It’s the worshippers I feel sorry for, many of them had no idea the strange man in a dress was fiddling with kids.”
“You know, maybe the clean break will do the worshippers some good? I hear that the Anglicans are recruiting.”
After controversial figure Father Coulson left the church in 2007, many inside the church felt that the worst was behind them, but the latest revelations have once again left Catholicism facing the mercy of the legal system.
Catholicism to close
In the face of mounting criticism, the decision to close has come from the very top, with Vatican officials expected to arrive in the country shortly to oversee the closure.
Speculation is already rife that Carholicism will merely relaunch under a new name in time for next Sunday, with the domain entirelynewcatholicism.net �suspiciously purchased in Rome on Tuesday.
One religious industry watcher told us, “I can’t imagine the Vatican will simply walk away completely, you have to remember that this is a multi billion dollar business empire.”
“You don’t acquire that level of financial success by making poor business decisions.”
“I’m quite sure they’ll rebrand, come back fresh, and this time next year well be asking ‘Catholicism who?’”
Former papal butler Paolo Gabriele has broken down in an Italian court and begged to be locked up, after receiving threats from the Vatican to ‘make that scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Harvest fucking Festival.’
Pope Benedict XVI, former head of Germany’s notorious Ratzinger mob, is said to be furious over the leak of his private papers by Gabriele to the Italian media. It’s long been known that he believes forgiveness to be over-rated and ‘for pussies.’
Italian judges are taking the threats seriously after two hefty nuns, Sisters Bernard and Trevor, managed to infiltrate Gabriele’s cell and, in their words, ‘perform extreme unction on that bitch’s skinny ass.’ Gabriele was left with severe cuts and bruises before a dozen guards managed to subdue the nuns.
At first, Gabriele’s protests when it was thought he might be handed over to the Vatican were considered overly dramatic, given that he’d been told the likely sentence would be six Hail Marys. However, an unnamed Vatican Archbishop confirmed precisely what that really means. ‘A Hail Mary? No, you don’t want even one of those,’ said the Archbishop. ‘Repeated roundhouses by the Pope interspersed with waterboarding in the font. At the end you get thrown to the nuns. The only thing worse is the Bloody Mary, and I don’t even want to talk about that. Let’s just say the red papal shoes used to be white.’
‘The Our Father, The Lord is My Shepherd, Father Forgive Me, The Irish Blessing, The Act of Contrition, Footprints… none of those are fucking prayers, man. Then there are the Pope’s own ‘penances’ that he’s thought up all by himself. Pound of Flesh, Death from Above, Redemption, The Holy Now You See, Now You Don’t… the list goes on. Vatican criminal code use to follow Italian law, but not since Papa Benny arrived.’
Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana, Princess of Wales, has sent a message of support to Gabriele. ‘I know what it’s like when you get caught stealing from those who place their trust in you, so my thoughts are with Gabriele at this difficult time. On the upside, he can now look forward to a low-rent celebrity career that will all but confirm his lust for money and attention, lived out on the higher TV channel numbers at about 2.30 on weekday afternoons. I’ve sent him a bottle of my new own-brand wine, Royal Butler. I don’t know, he can sprinkle it on his chips or something.’
The Vatican City is purported to be the richest city in the world.
Many Catholics in Rotten Island now wonder why the Vatican does not dip into its coffers to help the country financially. Bear in mind even during the poorest of times we as a nation gave generously to the church.
So far, the Vatican has failed to respond to this state of affairs.
To bend the ear of the Vatican Minister of Lined Pockets and Thievery Wolf Howlin will shortly inaugurate a campaign of prayer. He also hoped that the blessed Merkel might intervene on our behalf. Sure, what is the harm in a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers – it will cost you nothing?
A committee with an open-ended budget has been set up to examine tenders for rosary beads.