Mr Cameron made the claim yesterday during a speech in West Yorkshire in which he criticised people who suggested that more spending is required to kick-start economic growth.
“It’s as if they think there’s some magic money tree. Well let me tell you a plain truth: there isn’t,” he claimed.
“Magic money trees thrive in areas of no tax,” one arborist told us.
“They are in bloom all-year round and are a heavily protected species.”
Money tree identified
“Mr Cameron appears to have adopted an interesting tactic for reducing the UK’s debt which involves saying it’s going down in the hope no-one notices it’s going up,” explained 4 year-old Freddie Lewis.
“His declaration that he is sticking to the same plan is an attempt to create an impression of steely resolve, but instead creates an impression of being an enormous twat.
“This combined with his denial of magic money trees just shows how out of touch he is.”
Former pub landlord Mark Cahill from West Yorkshire accused the deceased owner of a slapdash approach to palm love and of grabbing hold of his manhood ‘like it’s a box of spanners’.
Doctors took the decision to operate on Cahill, who was unable to abuse himself with his old hand after it was affected by gout.
“However, the hand went at it far too fast. I’d creamed the bed sheets before I’d even got to the faux-lesbian Santas on Page 7.”
“I’ve tried putting nail varnish on it and I’ve added a nice frilly cuff to hide the join but it’s just not right somehow,” he added.
Cahill’s problems multiplied on his return home after the hand insisted on playing a grand piano at 3am after dragging him downstairs and despite his lack of any formal piano tuition.
“I knew I should have gone down the bionic route,” he continued.
“All I will say is this: In three films, each lasting two hours, you never once saw The Terminator stick his finger up anyone’s arse.”